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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I was dating few women and without exception I paid the check

Resolved Question:

I was dating few women and without exception I paid the check for both of us. The check on the average was $ 50.00 which quite frankly I cannot afford. One expert advised me in the pat that he one who initiated the dinner should have paid the tab.


Please note this is a first date dinner and the impression by the woman most likely would be negative. She most likely would be judgmental and think that I am cheap.

Even worse, this is a bad education for future dining.

Please advise
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

The one who invites the person to dinner should pay the bill or even split the bill. But women automatically think that the man should pay for dinner.

Customer:

Who is the one who invites the other person to dinner especially on the first date?

Deardebra :

The guy usually invited the women

Deardebra :

But a women that is interested and is not shy would ask the guy because she wants him to know she is interested in him.

Customer:

In other words I believe that in the first dating culture people do not walk . They sit. It is more romantic They go usually to a dinner but never to a movie. It is unusual. So here it how it happened in my case:

Deardebra :

Some times women go on dates and don't even bring money because they just assume if you invited them you are taking them out and paying for everything.

Deardebra :

Going to dinner is the most common things people do on a first date and then maybe a second date might be a movie.

Customer:

Me: Barbara wold you like to meet me? Zevi: What do you want to do? Barbara: Restaurant

Customer:

o who invited whom?

Customer:

Next: If we have a second date should the man pay too?

Customer:

And neither of us have plenty money

Deardebra :

You invited her to pick what she wanted to do.

Customer:

Should we eat pizza?

Deardebra :

The second date is different.

Customer:

explain

Deardebra :

Pizza would be a great idea and you also could be honest and say that you are not able to go to dinner all the time because it can get expensive. This usually sparks a women to offer to cook a meal.

Deardebra :

The second date I feel that women do not expect you to pay.

Deardebra :

They know that it cost a lot to keep eating out so they usually offer to pay or split the check.

Customer:

Not my Barbara. She insisted Chinese food and checked Zagat guide and we negotiated on the phone for one hour.

Deardebra :

So she is a type of person that knows what she wants, but what about getting her to have a nice quiet evening at home and she brings the Chinese food.

Customer:

So what is the btXXXXX XXXXXne for a first date based on my question?

Customer:

Culture?


Or Etiquette?


 

Deardebra :

Etiquette

Customer:

Or custom?

Customer:

Please hold on

Deardebra :

You could on your next date say too her that could we split the bill this time. I would say both because it has been like this for so long that people feel the guy should pay it has been around for so long that people think this way. So I also feel it is custom as well.

Customer:

I will make further research and get back to you tomorrow

Customer:

Let me say one more thing: I am retired 65 years old with social security as the only income. I don't want dating to be part of my estate planning even though I know something about it. I would like to chat with ou at about the same time and rate you

Customer:

Good night

Deardebra :

That is what you need to explain too her.

Deardebra :

You want to be able to fall in love and care about someone without being worried.

Deardebra :

She needs to know that you care about her and you see a future.

Deardebra :

I feel that she will totally understand that you can not pay for everything.

Deardebra :

A relationship is about sharing.

Deardebra :

There is a point in a relationship where money becomes shared.

Deardebra :

She will understand that you can not go out all the time. How about just having over to watch a movie on tv or take a walk in the park or on the ocean, you can set up dates that will not cost anything or very little.

Customer:

Would you like to chat further tomorrow?

Deardebra :

yes, you can request me to chat tomorrow.

Customer:

Please read this article:


Paying Etiquette: Who Picks Up The Check?


 


 


One of the touchiest dating issues today has to do with money: Who pays, the man or the woman, and when? Once you're knee-deep into a relationship, you'll have worked out what is best for you as a couple, but in the meantime, it's tough to know what's expected of you.


 


Typically, men today are put into a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.


 


Some women are insulted if men always insist on paying. It may make them feel as if they are being bought or patronized, as if they can't afford to pay their own way.


 


On the other hand, if men don't offer to pay instantly, some women will think that they're just being cheap or ungentlemanly.


 


It simplifies things once you realize that, when it comes to money issues, there are only three possibilities:


You are expected to pay


She is expected to pay


Both parties should split the bill down the middle


There are a couple of general indicators determining which of these three options is taking place. Once you've learned them, you'll be more than prepared to handle any tricky dating scenario.


you should always pay...


 


On first dates


First impressions are important -- on most first dates, your best bet is to make the first move when the bill comes, and if she shows no sign of resistance, go for it. This goes not just for the very first date, but throughout the early stages of the relationship. Paying for things is not just the gentlemanly thing to do, it also indicates that you are responsible, steady and well-established. Women like that; it helps them decide whether or not you are relationship-ready.


If you asked her out front that except


A good general rule when it comes to these situations is to ask yourself, "Who asked who?" If you instigated the date, then you will be expected to pay. In fact, it's good to be prepared to pay, regardless. Nothing looks more pathetic than a guy's sheepish expression when he doesn't have enough money with him to cover the charges; and in today's world of credit and debit cards, this shouldn't be an issue.


On special occasions


http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_100/128_dating_girl.html


This is my response:


 


On the telephone or thru the E-mail ask:


 



  1. What she like to do in her free time? Is she involved in money consumption events?

  2. How often does she want to meet?

  3. Make a point that relationship is not improved by attending expensive events. Intimacy matters

  4. Tell her up front that my philosophy is not to spent too much money because this is not the way to develop LTR

  5. Tell her up front that am I don’t have any problem to pay for her in the first date

  6. Tell her that in today’s world many women are insulted if men insist to pay and not to allow women to split the tab. Some women “offer” to share , the men say : don’t worry I will pay with my credit card. The women put their cash back in the purse nd accept the offer. There is a way to ask the waiter to prepare 2 separate checks

  7. Tell her that it more fun to shop food together and more intimate to eat or cook together in our houses and share the grocery cost.

  8. Emphasize that I am retire and money saving is important

  9. If she does not agree, she is not my candidate from point zero


?


 


 


 


 


Deardebra : As relationships progress things change.
Deardebra : the reason is because people get more comfortable in a relationship.
Deardebra : they are more often to say what is on their mind.
Deardebra : the beginning if a relationship you are just getting to know the person so your in the learning stages.
Deardebra : this first stage is exciting because its new and once things get more comfortable and you know the person your able to open up more.
Deardebra : you want to be honest about how you feel. So you tell her in a text or email exactly how you feel. I am going to put it into words for you.
Deardebra : you wants to say this, "I had such a wi detail time in our date." You want to start off with a compliment.
Deardebra : "I would love to go out again because I feel that we have something special." This is where you are telling her how you feel.
Deardebra : "but I am hoping that we can do something's together like a walk in the park or a picnic." This is giving suggestions.
Deardebra : "it is just I don't like to go out to dinner all the time because it is do expensive. " right here you are telling her about your money situation in a nice way.
Deardebra : "I would love to have a date where we could go to the supermarket and shop for our meal bring it home and cook it together. That would be so romantic don't you think?" This is making a date suggestion.
Deardebra : "I would also love for you to suggest some dates so I can get to know things you like to do." This is being kind and considerate to what she wants as well.
Deardebra : " I really feel we have something special here and I'm excited to get to know you better." This is a nice positive compliment to close the email.
Deardebra : that is what you want to say too her.
Deardebra : its a nice way if saying that you are thinking if her you like her but live on a budget and can't go out all the time.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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