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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1835
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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A weak moment that could have change everything

Resolved Question:

i need help. I meet this guy online 2 weeks ago going on 3 weeks his name is XXXXX XXXXX he has resceduled our second date because he would have to pick up his kids earlier than expected. We were supposed to go to to a 10:30 am movie today but he found out needs to pick them by 11:30 AM  for our date he did offered for us to get together next Friday for dinner which I felt was too far away .  Prior, to this he text before this last date and asked was I his girl? I told Him It would be nice if he would ask me that face to face instead so we were suppossed to discuss this on our first date as well..  I was upset about that and express my feelings.  My problem is I want to date him and get to know him, and yes we even talked about a possible relationship. His reasons he says he normally enters a relationhip is usually after sex and then he decides he wants a relationhsip because he does not want to share. My thoughts are the same on not sharing but I would like to get to know him as well, I have cold sores and fortunely they have not been noticeable in 4 years. Yesterday, I had a weak moment and told him I was horny so he immediately responsed by text and ask if I was ready for him to come over. I did not respond, and later he called by 2 am and asked if I still need him to come over. I explained that the baby was up and I would have to talk to him later. Would this have been a mistake if I would have let him come over, I have met him once briefly for a meet and greet but of course we had no date yet. Also, I need to tell him about my situation, but yesterday I was debating about him coming our andf just telling him to bring a condom if he did came over. How do I handle this situation yes I want a relaionship not just looking for the roll in the hay. Some of thoughts thatwent through my mind was my place is not clean, I have not told him about the cold sores yet and what he leaves once he finds out the truth.  I also though he is still a stranger my 2 year old daughter is here, maybe I should wait.  I probably shoudl actually go on a first date and second and see where things lead us and tell him and also explain that I was having a weak moment but I dont want sex without a relationship any thoughts? 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

I want you to tell him the truth and exactly how you feel.

Customer:

so I should tell everything before our date

Customer:

right he has his kids so he has yet to call me

Deardebra :

Yes, you want to be honest with him.

Deardebra :

If there is open communication in a relationship this helps in taking the quess work out of a relationship.

Customer:

ok..how exactly should I word this and do I do it during phone call or text message

Deardebra :

He will know exactly how you feel.

Customer:

he often text but I ask him to call more and he said ok

Deardebra :

What do you feel more comfortable with, talking or texting?

Customer:

well talking but I might get choke texting can lead to more confusing I beleive

Customer:

What do say that I really like and had a weak moment but I dont want to feel sex till I am ina relationship and onre of the reason;s I am causious abotu sex is because I have cold sores

Deardebra :

very true, but texting is a way for him to look back at the text to understand things more, some times people do not hear everything on the phone.

Customer:

ok.

Customer:

so how do I say it

Deardebra :

I would start things out like this.

Deardebra :

There was a few things on my mind and I just wanted to explain it before we go any further. It is very important too me to know that we would be in an exclusive relationship together before things move to the next step.

Deardebra :

I really feel tat we could have a great relationship together.

Customer:

really what?

Deardebra :

One thing that I do have to tell you is I have cold sores and I wanted you to know before things went any further.

Deardebra :

I want you to get to know my daughter and I feel that we should get to know each other first.

Deardebra :

I think we should learn more about each other before things go to that next level.

Deardebra :

I am hoping you feel the same way, I would like to take things slow but I want to see you more so I can get to know you.

Deardebra :

I know we are both busy people but in order to form this connection we need to try to set up more dates.

Deardebra :

I believe that we can have great relationship.

Deardebra :

I wanted to just say too you that I do feel you are in a committed relationship already because he asked if you were his girl so that means he is looking to be exclusive.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

..well he once told once he has sex he like to continue to be with person. i also have been taking valtrex regularly so ihave not cause anyone else that i knoe of problems with it

Customer:

i have told 3 ex bf before and they were fine with it

Customer:

and at that time we were already dating and intimate

Deardebra :

I feel you will build trust right away in this relationship because you are right away being honest.

Deardebra :

He has told you he stays with people that he is intimate with so he is someone that believes in committed relationships this is good.

Deardebra :

I am sure he will to have a problem with it either because he cares about you and I feel this is not going to matter too him at all.

Deardebra :

He care about you and when you care about someone certain things just don't matter because all these see is how much they care about the person.

Customer:

ok..well he has his kids this weekend what day is the best day to text this?

Deardebra :

I would text it as soon as you can so you do not have to worry about it. Once the kids go to sleep he can read it and answer you back.

Customer:

ok..so i should text as a paragraph exactly as t

Customer:

typed here

Deardebra :

Yes

Customer:

ok..i will text it and he texts me earlier then I will send it

Deardebra :

Perfect I feel that he will be very understanding and that he will understand that you are someone that wants to be in a committed relationship he might not know how you feel, so he will know after you text him.

Customer:

ok..thanks..will let you know if things dont go well.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1835
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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