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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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So the love of my life met her kids, her entire family a day

Customer Question

I honestly feel like she is seeing or has seen another man in conjunction with me. Don't know just a got feeling because before all this stuff came to light she was saying do you really know who I am what if another person credible person told you something about me that was against what I shared with you. I was so messed up the head. So with the love of my life I met her kids, her entire family a day after I met her family she decides to take a 3 day hiatus saying that their is to much information coming into her head from third parties regarding myself and mother of my child long story short I lied to her about the mother of my child living with me. Another thing that got me all weird is that she met a guy she keeps talking about how she loves what he talks about just before all this stuff happened 3 day hiatus and all. She felt the need to keep digging on my stuff even though I told her it wasn't for her. I dont have a relationship whatsoever with the mother of my child just she stays at my place crashing until she can get her own and plus she is the biological mother of my daughter. My girlfriend / break right now is so confusing she told me to ignore her shes being really quiet. So I was ignoring her not being to pushy about the situation we are in lying to her about the mother of my child still living with me. she feels disheartened because she asked me on multiple occasions and I lied on all of them I just knew it wasn't the right time to tell her my mistake though hindsight I should have told her. I feel like shes really hurt but she wont tell me how badly so I wrote her a letter because I really feel like shes not giving me anything to go off just vague remarks about our relationship saying things like for right now our relationship is non existent, or right now I dont know how to feel. I know shes upset but doesn't want to share how she really feels I dont know why just feels like she thinks I'm going to think shes weak or I just dont know cant read her right now. Shes making me really confused by saying things like ignore me via text then I see her the next day and she says oh I only meant ignore me for that moment of the text when I'm thinking she meant overall I really feel like shes stringing me along I guess I dont know. I ask directly and she just closes up and doesn't reveal anything really quiet and not sharing. I want to make things right shes worth my time and without being pushy about the situation I just hate feeling weird / awkward around her I'm really trying to be myself funny what should I do to make her smile and laugh again full of energy like it used to be. I also feel like I'm trying to read her mind all the time but before the situation I was able to gauge now I feel like I cant.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Deardebra : In a relationship trust is very important as time passes in a relationship you learn to build trust with one another.
Deardebra : once trust is broken it is very hard to get it back because feelings of hurt take over.
Deardebra : also a person will question why the person lied and they spend a lot of time wondering why someone they love lied.
Deardebra : When someone lies a person thinks the person has something to hide. I am sure she thought you and your ex are still together.
Deardebra : she thinks that you are still in love with your ex. You need to fully explain your situation too her. Explain why you didn't tell her.
Deardebra : explain that you were afraid if she knew that she would leave and you cared about her too much to take the risk.
Deardebra : you explain that your feelings for her came first even though it was wrong you felt that you needed to lie because you never wanted to lose her.
Deardebra : it sounds like her family might have influenced her as well. Right after you met them there seemed to be a problem.
Deardebra : i feel they must have had a lot if question maybe she couldn't answer.
Deardebra : so she backed off out of fear of being hurt.
Deardebra : she decided even though she loves you, she decided to not open her heart up for hurt.
Deardebra : she is protecting herself right now and she needs to see that you live her and your past relationship is over.
Deardebra : she might be worried that you livings with your ex that there is not a future of you and her moving in together. She might feel like you would not commit too her in that way.
Deardebra : you need to show her that there is a future with you and her. She needs to know where she stands in this relationship.
JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

We just had a two hour conversation at which at one point she stated that she wanted to be there with her to hold her, but because she saw no purpose in that right now she was holding off for now. She stated that she did not want to give into physical wants because she would be half in again only for this moment very clear about just this moment. She stated she was lonely and wanted me there with her but did not want to submit to physical wants. I feel that with the letter I am one step closer? I mean this is the longest conversation we've had in a while. She said that she needed to disconnect the emotional from the logical for her to intake the moment unbiased. I let her know that everything she feels I feel and I am with her through her reflection not trying to push anything forward without her feeling ok about it.I said goodnight, I asked her is she wanted to take the kids to the park tomorrow and she said we shall see. I think I'm on the right track now?

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

How do I play it from here on out same as before texting her great positive things every other day slow before running I honestly feel great but don't want to push to much everything seems to be back in order just a matter of reflecting on her end to see where our future can begin to be rebuilt again but all signs point to great momentum forward played right I can see us officially together again.

Deardebra : Everything you said too her in the conversation was perfect. You were expressive, positive, positive and you did not push her away. I feel you are on the right track.
Deardebra : I like that you suggested to take
Deardebra : The kids to the park. That was a nice gesture. I would follow up on that and see if she wants to go.
Deardebra : You are doing everything right and I feel that she cares about you a lot and wants to take things slow.
Deardebra : WWhich is good because I feel she does not want to be pressured.
Deardebra : The best way to start a relationship again is to listen be understanding and focus on each other and not the past.
Deardebra : You both want to move forward from here leaving the past behind. In fact you could tell her that you just want to focus on her and nothing else. This will show her you are committed to this relationship and your willing to do anything to work it out.
Deardebra : She needs to feel like she is first in your life.
Deardebra : I feel everything you are doing is correct and you will get her back because you are taking the time to listen to her wants and needs.
JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

Thank you so much, this morning I really feel so refreshed first time she responded to my good morning text within 2 minutes wow. I'm really trying here she is worth it! Ill follow up by asking her about the th\

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

about the park

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

Later on since shes having a sisters soccer activity this morning. have to time asking her just right dont want to come off as pushy its early anyways she has the thought in her head from last night ill just friendly reminder / ask her later as the day progresses shes a busy woman. On her down time she would always spend it with me in the past I want it to get to that point again walk before I run I always say I'm not the forcer but yet we both played around with the whole should I invite him/her to an event with the children building up to the full on family meet ups feeling like this is happening all over again. I told her if I had to start everything from day one again I would not hesitate if it meant the relationship would be saved or the beginning of a friendship again since all of our moments through out have started for us in moments of self individual reflection and have grown to relationship and unspoken potential marriage in the future for both of us. She mentioned to me last night that someone came up to her and told her that if your married your husband is a lucky man and he should always love you and know what he has. I believe shes hinting at what she sees as well for our future. The only piece that has me thinking is that she said that why if I knew this I would lie to her and risk us not sure how to respond to that comment. Its like if you knew we are great and we could handle anything why would you risk everything with that lie if you loved me so much why risk our love. She is commenting that for love would she compromise where she stands as far as no lying in a relationship making her feel lesser. I told her that Ive been feeling everything shes feeling and that I would not take it as her being less but understand her feelings and respect them. She told me that how do you rebuild a snow ball of our relationship once its been tainted with the lie does she really want to re-build or continue on where we left off she wants to not hold anything in her back pocket to use against me and wants to be fully in either way sharing her thoughts during her self expressive state is a huge accomplishment I feel. I know she loves me and wants to make things better just a matter of time shes graduating moving to another city I was part of her plan through out painting the picture of family with one lie that tainted us for this moment right now.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

Her comments: its amazing what each day brings. The beauty in the ugly, the ugly in the beauty...what does that mean interpretation ?

Deardebra :

The beauty in the ugly the ugly in the beauty. Do you both quote music often because that is a song. Jason Mraz the beauty in the ugly.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

She does I guess not me but what would that mean to our relationship or our moment / her moments trying to read her even after the conversation just trying to understand this moment we are in.

Deardebra :

I feel what she is saying is that she is just an ordinary girl and you see the beauty in her, you make her feel special.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

its so tough.."just waking up, losing my head..trying to focus and find it. Fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed. Pushing through, strength lies on the otherwise!!..time to get right..?

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

I'm sending her text like before full on positive I'm full of positivity and enlighten growth in regards to how great I feel. She sent me this text right after "just waking up, losing my head..trying to focus and find it. Fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed. Pushing through, strength lies on the other side!!..time to get right..?

Deardebra :

I really feel that she really cares about you, but she is questioning why do you want to be with her, what makes her so special that you chose someone like her. I feel she likes to quote songs to tell you how she feels.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

why do I want to be with her...because when I am around her she makes me feel like no one else is around my life feels fulfilled already, but with her she is my other half we have inhaled one another to be able to feel what each other feels. I feel like through out time you find the person your soul mate together we, us, one here there everywhere. Trust thy love to no one else because no one else would be able to handle it she has felt in other relationships that the other person is weak and she has to be the strong one all the time, with me she can let go and in a way she becomes stronger in doing so because we test each other compatible to each others weaknesses making each other stronger in the process. This girl is so special to me her essence her love we always find each other through our self reflection moments. 10 years ago we found each other and in hindsight in this present moment we have seen the future without any test I feel we would in a way take it for granted. At least that's how I feel so much more passionate if I could hold her and kiss her again every day that I could, I would feel like if its the last time on earth that I would get the opportunity to do so.

Deardebra :

You need to tell her exactly what you just told me. That was incredible. She would love for you to tell her all those things. Then she would know how much you care for her.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

I really do care for her I feel like I have told her through conversation and through the letter I wrote to her many times. Right now this moment shes focusing on just the situation at hand adding her perspective and wondering if for love she would in a way lower her standards in the form of not lying at all in a relationship and if I knew how much worth she is why would I risk all of it it on a lie. At least that's what I'm getting through her conversations.

Deardebra :

She needs to understand there was more at risk that you were worried that she would leave and not understand so you did not tell the truth, but that is the past.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

Past exactly. she told me that she doesn't want to hold anything against me once she processes everything to move forward continue on in our relationship.Taking her sometime but I'm here for her not trying to push but at the same time listening and providing support in how she feels.

Deardebra :

That is good that she feels the past is the past.

JACUSTOMER-f7b6k8p5- :

Break through moment got an invite to go to her house I'm excited! Everything is lining up

Deardebra :

That is excellent!

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