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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Unexpectedly, my boyfriend of 3 years has ended our relationship

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Unexpectedly, my boyfriend of 3 years has ended our relationship via email.
In it he ends it by saying, "we both deserve more"; so, my instinct tells me that there's an other woman.
I am devastated. Family and friends are shocked, as well, citing that this is out of character for this man and must be going through an emotional crisis.
But, I still think that saying, "WE both deserve more" is the key and indicates that he's in a new relationship.

Hello. I would say that your instincts may be right. An abrupt end to a long term relationship can certainly mean that there is someone else in the picture. I would also guess that he has been contemplating ending your relationship for a longer period of time than you realize. While this is out of the blue for you, I think he has been dealing with this decision for awhile. While you should not dwell on this, you do need to take some proper time to process what has happened and try to reach closure. In doing so, you should look back to moments in recent time where he may have shown any indication that this may be coming. While you can't be 100% sure that he has found someone new, unless he tells you or you do find out by a mutual friend, listening to your instincts generally will help you find out what went wrong. Allow yourself to go through the series of emotions that you will be going through and try not to fight it. After 3 years, there is certainly something going on.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you. I really was stunned. We dated for 2 years 10 years ago, then reunited in 2011; We are both divorced and have been involved in each other's families for 10 years.

We recently vacationed together and it was great.

He's 59, I'm 57; when we dated in early 2000, we had a normal active sex life.

Since we reunited in 2011, he has never made the moves, si I initiated sex on our vacation. His performance wasn't great and he really wasn't affectionate afterwards, but I just chalked it up to his age.

Our last date was 4/4/13 and we were laughing and had a great time.

His email also said, we're good at being friends, but obviously not at the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He works 12 hr shift and every other weekend. He alternates days and night shifts. I don't know when he would have had time to develop a relationship.

despite my phone call and email asking for a face to face meeting, he has not answered. I am so hurt. Never did I think he would do this to me.

There is also the possibility that he is going through his own personal issues as your family says. If he has had difficulty sexually and a lot of stress at work, it may be severe depression causing this. I would give him a little more time and then try to contact him. Tell him that you feel that you deserve closure in some way and that you won't interfere with his decision, but you need to know what happened. I think he will contact you when he has a bit of time to think about it.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you. I have asked him to meet me or to call me, but he has shut down, which, apparently, he has been known to do when he explained his marital problems.

I love this man and again, I felt loved by him and am now so utterly heartbroken.

He anticipated my needs and he knew me. He and I have so much history and private jokes and experiences.

He never indicated having a wandering eye and he took my sister aside during our summer vacation and commented that he never thought he'd be with such a beautiful woman.



I think to give him some time will be beneficial. I understand that he is the type to shut down, but even these types of people can be reached on a lot of occasions after some time has passed. I can't give you a time frame because it is different for everyone. It may be next week, next month, next year. If you have the same circle of friends or at least some mutual, you will probably end up with some sort of an answer. I know you want this answer now, but unfortunately this is in his control.
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