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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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While living with the mother of my child and coming out of

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While living with the mother of my child and coming out of with alcoholism. I found the love of my life literally the person I'm was supposed to be with marry talking till the sun comes up breath of fresh air connecting mind, body and soul individual becoming one. The problem is that I was still living with my ex due to our child I lied to the love of my life in order to nurture the relationship and grow it without the negativity of my ex. In My new relationship I met her entire family and her children from another relationship we discussed how we could each handle anything and everything in regards XXXXX XXXXX or anything that would be a perceived obstacle. So when my new relationship asked me multiple times if my ex was still living with me I lied because I felt it would taint my new relationship contradicting everything we had talked about about being able to handle anything and everything from my perspective I was the one who messed things up in regards XXXXX XXXXX situation. During this time of questioning she went off the grid to reflect on our relationship took her about 3 days to come back and everything seemed great except the whole situation with the mother of my child kept lingering. I finally confessed everything fully naked told her that my love is unconditional so on and so forth. She stated that I should have just told her because she would be able to handle it at the time initially. I am so confused right now because my new relationship has stated that she wants me to ignore her because she feels disheartened about the whole situation me lying and going against what we both believed about each other being able to handle anything. Ive talked to her multiple occasions on how she felt with no success kept pushing she kept saying things like for right now our relationship is no more, I dont know about our relationship anymore, Shes so confusing. Shes confusing me to the point my mind is a mess. Finally when I told her that I was going to back off she responded right away via text saying I feel that's our only option to ignore her. She seems really happy when talking to her friends but when both of us get together we seem so nervous and awkward around each other. I try to play it cool but then when I leave her I feel so drained just start crying my heart out with so much pain. I have no clue how to act around her anymore do I text her like I used to hey have a good weekend today is great or do I completely fall off the grid give it a weekend no contact what so ever.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry what happened. I understand why you handled it the way you did in regards XXXXX XXXXX ex living with you. However, the problem is that she feels deceived. She doesn't know if she can trust you anymore. She thought everything was great and you both were soul mates, but then she finds out you were lying the entire time. This makes her feel like she was manipulated and can not believe anything any longer. But at the same time she still has feelings for you because those just don't go away. Within her she is battling these two sides and she is probably all the more confused and passes this confusion on to you. Since she is so confused this is why she feels it is best you ignore her.

It seems like you tried a lot of different ways to handle this already. From here I would write her a letter. A letter is good because it will express how you feel and why you did what you did. You would be able to perfect the letter in order to relay the exact message that you want. It is also good because she will have a chance to dwell on the letter rather than make a hasty decision. I would apologize and show how you are understanding to what she is feeling right now and wish you could go back in time. Express how you understand that words will not change anything, but you would like the opportunity to build the trust up again. Let her know that you want to prove this to her with not just words but actions. Explain in the letter how you are confused as to how much space that she wants and you do not want to ignore her, but also do not want to bother her if she does not want to be contacted. Let her know you will not contact her unless she let's you know, so you do not pester her. By saying this it shows that the ball is in her court and she needs to now make a decision of where to go with this from here whether it be friends first or trying the relationship again right from the start. Let her know how you feel for her and what you would like to see happen in the future. She will see that you are respecting her wishes of not contacting her, but that you are sorry and do want to prove your trust and be with her. She will then have time to dwell on all this and decide what to do from there.

I think this is your best option right now because it covers all your basis in order to do the right thing by her and for yourself as well as maximize the chance of saving the relationship or at least to start back to a friendship and build it over again.

I would be patient with her. She may just need some time to cool down and digest all of this and when she reads your letter some time to think for herself.

I hope everything works out and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Every guy she has been with apparently offers her abundance of stuff even after she breaks it off she really never had an official boyfriend until I came into the picture do you think that by me writing a letter expressing my confusion it will make things even more awkward even as just friends? it seems we both still have strong feeling but no one is taking the lead I dont want to ignore so I guess a really strong letter is in order at least for myself to regain my sanity.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I am sorry I was under the impression you both were not in contact only for when you run into one another. f you both are friends and still have a lot of contact you can continue with that and see where it goes. However, I think things left unsaid can make it awkward. If you feel having a conversation with her would be more efficient then you can do everything I mentioned face to face while stating your confusion and letting her know how you would like to build the trust back. However, if you feel it will not come out the same face to face or she may interrupt or not be ready to discuss then I do think a really strong letter stating everything would be the best way for you to go. It will help you release all of your pain and also try to mend things with her as well as gain some sort of direction within the relationship.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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