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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5577
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I would like to get advice on my relationship and my feelings.

Customer Question

I would like to get advice on my relationship and my feelings. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He is still legally separated from his wife which i just found out a month ago and he told me the divorce is going to take longer than he expected. I am legally divorced. We do not talk about our relationship other than where we will travel together. When we were living apart at the beginning of our relationship, he was in the military and once he retired, we now live together. He seems to have a facebook fetish which is not something that really bothers me, but what does bother is i will see him on his phone late at night or early in the morning while we are both in the bed. Sounds like i have a trust issue right? Well, i have asked him if he is talking to other girls and he says "NO." I have also told him that i feel like i am sharing him. He did not quite understand what i meant by that and i that is when i asked him about other girls. I have never asked him if he was cheating. I want that relationship where a couple does more with each other than go to the grocery store with each other. We have one photo with each other and it was taken at a restaurant only because my daughter and her boyfriend were there and they wanted to take the picture. I know it may sound childish, but even with facebook, he does not have his status as being in a relationship with me and i have yet to meet any of his friends. We are both 44 with children and working in our careers, but when it comes to how i feel, it seems like i do not even fit in the category of being a girlfriend, but more like a buddy or a friend. Can you make any sense in my concern?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

What your are saying makes perfect sense. It is important to pay attention to what you are feeling in a relationship. And if you are feeling that your boyfriend is dividing his time and not treating you as you are important to him, that is a sign he is not as committed as he needs to be.

A relationship is supposed to be each person putting the other first. While it is important to have your own interests, they should not come before your partner. But it sounds like your boyfriend is putting his needs in front of yours. He should have heard you when you initially expressed concern and talked to you about making changes. But since he has ignored you, he is sending the message that your needs are not his focus.

Also, add to that the fact that he is still tied legally to his wife which is a concern in and of itself. After 3 years, he should be making a serious effort to end the divorce. By not doing so, he is saying his relationship with you is not important.

You may want to try focusing on what you want to do about this relationship. You have choices. You can stay in the relationship and try again to talk with him. This time though, make a plan on how you want to respond if he is not willing to hear you. For example, if he refuses to hear your concerns let him know that you want to try a trial separation. And be willing to follow through if he does not show concern.

You may also want to try seeing a counselor together. But if he won't go, go on your own. You deserve the support and the therapist can help you figure out what might be your next step.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kathy: Going to a counselor is not going to happen. I think that where we are right now in the relationship has no place at a professional's space because i do not know what it is right now. A relationship or a friendship. Can you give me some advice as to how i can have a focused conversation on this concern with him today? I need to get this stress off of my shoulders and know where i stand in his life once and for all. Do you think that what i have expected in this relationship or friendship is what has put me in this position to begin with? Should i have not moved in with him? Could he have been doing this sort of thing all along and i not notice it until i actually was living with him? He says he loves me, but has shown it. His actions seem totally different than his words to me. What do you think?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It does sound like his words and actions are different. If you do talk with him, plan out what you want to say. Write it down if it helps. Approach him by saying that you have some concerns about the relationship. Let him know that you do not think his words match his actions. Then list what you are bothered by. Let him respond and go from there. As long you don't blame but instead use "I" statements, you should be fine.

There is nothing wrong with your expectations in the relationship. If you are living together, then you can expect a close and loving relationship. If you feel that is not what you are getting, you might want to consider moving out. You may have just noticed he was like this after living together but that is hard to tell. The key is that you notice now and that you deserve to have your needs met now.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

In regards XXXXX XXXXX divorce, i received a text two days before i was to move in with him that he sent to his wife telling her to sign the papers and send them back to him. I asked him why i received the text and he stated that he wanted me to know. I was very hurt, but continued with my plans to move in with him since i had resigned from my job and had all my plans in place. You know, i have never used this service until this relationship. I am a very private person and do not like sharing my private life with strangers, but felt as though maybe if i just ask a question maybe i can get a little help with my problem. I have now used this service more than five times and they have all been for this relationship. Do you think that because this is so, that this relationship is not meant to be? Maybe i am looking for the answers that i already know? Just want to see it or hear it from another source that is unbiased so that i can feel more right than wrong when i do make my choice?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It is helpful anytime you have issues in a relationship to try to work them out by any means you can. And if you are having concerns and they are not being addressed by your partner, that is a sign of trouble. It helps to take time to sort through them however before you decide what to do. As we talked about before, it would help to take steps such as talking to your boyfriend first and trying counseling for yourself. By doing that, you can be sure of any decision you make regarding your relationship.

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5577
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,

Kate

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
1567 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues