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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Thank you very much Elliot. Destiny just played me a trick

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Thank you very much Elliot. Destiny just played me a trick and not sure how to handle it. A young man that seems very loving and caring contacted me and we ended up dating. He seems such a nice and in a way fragile person (may be a little needy for love and attention) and while talking we just realized my ex-husband who cheated on me had had online communication with him for a while. This new guy says they never met and that he feels terrible he accepted communicating with him even though he knew he was married. My ex-husband, while still married to me, lied to him saying I was a bad person and we never had sex (which is a lie, he is the one who kept saying he was tired).

Now we both don't know what to do. I do not know if I should trust this person and in a way I feel hurt by him and angry even though he did not know me at that time.

I am also scared he might be the cheater type as my husband as his neediness traits point to low self esteem. He keeps saying he is falling for me and wants a committed monogamous relationship though (but my husband said the same to me before we got married and ended up cheating to me all the way from the very beginning...so I am quite scared)

What can we do and how do we both move forward? Or should I just run away from this person??
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when he is back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

There is no authentic reason for not pursuing the relationship with this new young man.

Perhaps he is needy, but that does not mean that he is a cheater like your husband was.

You say that he is a nice person and may be fragile, and may suffer from low self-esteem.

Cheaters often have high self-esteem and believe that they are entitled to whomever they can get.

You have nothing to lose by continuing to let this friendship unfold. If he wants a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship and that suits you as well, if he is the right person, then allow the relationship to unfold at its own pace.

Continue seeing him and getting to know him through conversation. You will either discover, through this normal process, that you share many things in common and that you enjoy each other's company, or you will see that you are different and the relationship will not progress.

Certainly DO NOT runaway. Stay with it as long as it continues to grow. Do not let yourself be influenced by questions that you cannot possibly answer: "What if this or what if that?" or "What did that mean?" or "I wonder what he is thinking?" etc.

Just give it a chance to develop and then you will know.

I shall continue to keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dear Elliott

Thank you for the great advice. I have continued dating this lovely man and every moment has been fulfilling, even the when talking about challenging subjects. We were able to move forward beyond the subject in my previous question.

Now two weeks into our dating, things seem to have been moving quite fast, to the degree that some of his toiletry and a few clothes are at my place already and he just asked me how long I usually take to de IDE when we should live together.

Although I have no single cause of regret or disappointment so far, far the contrary as I feel quite happy spending time together, I feel I might not be coo g the correct thing jumping full on into the relationship and already acting as if we were boyfriends.

What is the difference between dating and being steady boyfriends? Where do you draw the line?

I feel may be I should (want to?) date other people as well as jumping full on into the next relationship right after a break up is a mistake (?) I have made and a pattern of mine for the last 4 relationships...How does one bring up the subject on exclusivity with your date partner? How does one decide if being exclusive is for oneself or not? (Although I feel like getting to know other people as well I think I would feel funny knowing my date partner is sleeping around and dating other guys as well)

Please kindly advice on the nature of dating and being exclusive or not. Thank you!

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

It seems that you have found someone with whom you are very compatible. It sounds like it is developing into something that could be permanent.

Trying to decide intellectually about the proper approach to relationship is not the most effective approach.

It seems that you are becoming a couple, as shampoo and socks, and so on, begin to move into your house.

If you react intellectually or try to define it or make rules or schedules, you might stifle what looks like a potential good relationship.

You can't have it both ways. If you want to have the peace of mind of an exclusive relationship then you will have to discuss that.

There are limits to everything and if you want to have a lasting relationship because it seems to be worthwhile, then you should consider the destructive jealousy factor and consider having an exclusive relationship.

At a certain point in the relationship it is essential for the relationship to last and not fall apart. It is a choice which must be made and then should be followed.

I wish you both great success.

Warm regards,
Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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