IT sounds to me as if you are keeping up this abuse toward yourself with this harsh negativity. I would suggest that you see someone face to face to have the safe place to work through it all. Would you be open to that?
I am stepping away for several hours and will respond as soon as I am back by my computer later this evening. I am hoping you are open to getting some face to face support. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for your support. I have had some face to face support in the past, but I am open to getting more again.