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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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I really need help. My boyfriend is falsely accusing me of

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I really need help. My boyfriend is falsely accusing me of cheating. Him and I met 3 years ago, we had and still have a long distance relationship. 3 months into the relationship I left him to get back with my ex. I know big mistake. I knew I was wrong. And we remained friends. About 6 months later he wanted to give us another chance I agreed. He held alot resentment about me leaving him before and understandably so. So I took the time to fix things and show him I had changed. We live about an hour and a half from eachother and I work a full time job. He now works from home. Because I felt bad about what I did, I did all the driving to and from, I supported him financially while he was trying to get business off the ground because he had lost his job prior, I found proof of HIM cheating and brushed it off. Now, I recently had surgery on my foot so we made arrangements for me to stay with him for 3 weeks after surgery. I was there for about a week, and it just was not good. I understand taking care of someone is alot of work, so I told him I wanted to go home for the weekend to see my mom and my best friend (I have no friends or family where he lives) because I was really starting to get depressed and didn't want to take it out on him. He broke up with me, then accused me of going home to see another guy, now he keeps saying for me to prove I didn't cheat. I didn't and I've even agreed to let him look at my phone records. But I have given him no reason to think I've cheated and I feel like this came out of no where. I feel I proved myself to him when we got back together and everyone around even agrees. I put this man first. When he sees I didn't cheat how do we even come back from this? He just doesn't trust me and I don't think anything will change that. What do I do? I love him, but I won't spend my life proving or kissing his feet when I'm not guilty of anything. Please help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation that you're in with your boyfriend. Unfortunately the problem seems to be what you've already mentioned, and that is that he can't bring himself trust you. If this relationship is going to work he has to be willing to give you enough trust so that you don't have to go through your phone records to prove your innocence when he gets suspicious. Often times people who have cheated themselves can become paranoid that their partner is then going to cheat, and that may be part of this if this seems to have come out of no where.

It sounds like you have made significant efforts to make sure that he understands your devotion to the relationship. I agree that it is not practical to have to spend your life proving yourself or kissing his feet. At some point the responsibility is on him to recognize the efforts that you've put forth and give you the benefit of the doubt. If there is nothing that you can do to earn his trust, that takes a lot of the power out of your hands, and makes it difficult to make this better on your own.

I certainly respect that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make him trust you, but that really does have to come from him. Having to prove your innocence typically isn't the answer, because it reinforces that lack of trust. If you haven't done anything to deserve this and can't do anything to redeem yourself, there may not be a way for you to help this relationship to recover on your own without him willing to talk about some ways to develop more trust and balance in the relationship. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. I'm sorry, I know you get paid to do this and obviously me reaching out like this is pretty much an act of desperation as my best friend can't stand him because she thinks he's being selfish and my family thinks that while I was honest about my mistake three years ago, I've let him use that as a crutch to walk all over me. There is nothing more frustrating then have to show someone you didn't do something when they are dead set that you did. I sent him this yesterday via text: "I don't think anything will make you believe I didn't cheat. I think your set on what you think and I don't think anything will change it. No matter what extremes I'd take to show you, I think you'll find a way to think Im cheating." And he replied "U don't think I'll believe it cause u did. I just got to cope with forgiving you." What is that? I've asked him how he thinks we'll get past this when he sees I didn't and all he says is "we will see". But to be honest with you, I know this man and I know that if be does admit to believing me, he'll see an apology as such a big thing that I shouldn't expect anything more than that. I shouldn't expect more effort to be out forth on his part because he doesn't like to admit when he's wrong. When I left last friday after he screamed if I leave its over, I didn't talk to him all weekend because I don't think him giving me am ultimatum was fair and I didn't even know if I wanted to try to fix anything. When I reached out Sunday to apologize if I hurt him, he called me, and screamed for an hour calling me a slut a whore a gold digger a liar... So he's already delivered the pain on his accusation. Please explain to me what to do. Even if its not what I want to hear. I need someone who's not close to this to just be honest.
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
I think the difficult thing to accept in a situation like this is that there may not be anything you can "do" that will solve this. You stated as much to him, that you don't feel like there is anything you can do to earn his trust. His statement about just having to "cope with forgiving you" makes it sound like he would use this as a crutch just as he did with the incident in the past. At some point if he is not willing to trust you, would make false accusations, and verbally abuse you, the situations is out of your hands and out of your control.

The way you were willing to restore trust in him and move on from his cheating incident is the same way that he should have moved on from your mistake, but he obviously has some serious trust issues. To expect someone to continue to do things to redeem themselves is usually more about control than it is about building trust. The unfortunate part that you don't want to hear is that this is not a healthy relationship, and it cannot be solved until he is willing to adopt a similar attitude as you have towards it. If he's not willing to do that, then even if you find a way past this incident, these problems will continue to occur.
Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Professional therapist
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