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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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My fiance and I are getting ready to move into a house. Im

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My fiance and I are getting ready to move into a house. I'm making the down payment and she wants to feel like an equal owner in the home. I'm stuck and have trust issues especially when it comes to money and being taken advantage of. We've talked about pre nups and making some kind of arrangement, but it has placed a real strain on our relationship together. I really care, I just dont want to submit again without taking care of myself. Every time I discuss it with her, she presents another option that confuses me. I want to run out the door. She is smart and savvy but younger than me and hasn't been burned like I have. Help
Thanks for your question,

Sometimes it can be very difficult to talk about pre nups without one person taking it personally or feeling as if that is a reflection on how you feel about the relationship. In your situation, it sounds like no matter who you were getting married to or moving in with, that you would make sure to take care of your finances. For someone who hasn't been burned, that can be a difficult concept to understand without feeling nervous themselves. If you decide that a pre nup or some type of financial arrangement is essential to you feeling secure, then the distinction that you want to continue to try and make is that this decision doesn't mean that you aren't committed to your relationship, and in a lot of ways it will actually make you feel more secure in your relationship.

Ideally there would be some type of compromise or middle ground. If her main issue is feeling like an equal owner in the home, perhaps that can be one of the conditions of the prenup while you would maintain ownership of other aspects of your finances, or that you would keep the down payment and the rest would be equal. If she has other ideas or options then that may not be a bad thing to explore, but it sounds like she hasn't presented them to you in a way that is practical or allows you to move forward. As long as she trusts that your intentions are good, then hopefully she will also be willing to compromise by making some type of arrangement.

Overall it seems like the more time this takes, the more tension it is going to continue to put on the relationship. Even though it may not be something you want to bring up again, it does seem like agreeing on an arrangement soon would help you to put this behind you, and then it likely won't be much of an issue once it is not something either of you have to think about anymore. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

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