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askcounselor, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 102
Experience:  I am a licensed clinical mental health therapist.
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Hi. I met my boyfriend 8 months ago. He is the most lovely

Customer Question

Hi. I met my boyfriend 8 months ago. He is the most lovely and caring guy i ever met. We are both over 30 years old. We met through a common friend we have. My bf plays a computer game, and i do aswell. We have met twice in real life. He just recovered from cancer, and during the time he recovered, i figured he spent way to much time online, often nights, since he have sleeping probs. I tried to talk to him about this, and he approached a better way to cope. He stopped play so much. We have been talking to eachother every day for the last 8 months. He was visiting me beginning of March, and was going to come back in middle of April. ( we live in diff countries, but takes only 4 hours to travel ). He have told me he have been through some traumas in his life, but never seek help to solve them. He also suffers from anxiety and nightmares. We also planned to move together, he was very pushy in a good way, and planned to move in here with me end of June. He quit his job, and sorted out papers to do so. So, i got a new schedule at work, and had days off where i could go visit him beginning of April. I called him and told him this and the respond was..eeh...dunno..better we stick to the plans we had, that i will come to you in middle of April. He said he was so stressed . Of course this made me very angry, sad and upset and i started to wonder what was going on. We havent seen eachother for almost 3 weeks, and he said no? So this resulted in a fight, and we didnt spoke for 3 days. After that i sent him a text asking what was going on, and he said were done. I called him, and we had a chat about it, then he said: Something is wrong with me, since i get panic of seeing my gf instead of being happy. i do not know anything right now, i do not know if i love you or if i stay with you because of security. He also said he is emotionless and cant feel anything about anything. He also said he does not want to talk to anyone, he doesnt wanna have anything to do with the human race. I was so confused. Next breath he said he loved me and that i was the most lovely person he ever met...I asked him if something happened and he said no. After this we kinda broke contact, i sent him some mails, he responded to one, said: love you too. The rest got unanswered. A few days after that he told me he ha a chat with his cancer doc and that there is a chance the cancer will come back. I think that made him snap. So basically we havent had contact in 2 weeks now, except those short answers i got. I had a short 3 min chat with him 2 days ago, he said he will probably get medication , and that he went to see a doc. I said goodnigt, love you and he answered back: love you too. I have also figured he is again playing 24/7, and to chat with people online doesnt seem to bother him at all.....And that i ant understand since he said he doesnt want to talk to anyone or have anything to do with the human race...I have read up a lot about depression and seems thats what happened. No one in his family knows about his nightmares and anxiety and what happened now. My question now is: he have left a lot of stuff here that i will send back. But i decided to go hand them back myself, so i actually bought a ticket and will go to his place in 2 days ( never been there). He doesnt know, i havent spoken to him in 2 days. Im scared, cause i do not know if he will even open the door, even tho he knows i have nowhere to sleep :) Am i doing the right thing to face him? Do you think he will open the door? Im not going there to argue and will not talk about his illness, im just very worried and basically wanna see he is alive. Thanks

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  askcounselor replied 1 year ago.

askcounselor :

Hi, my name is XXXXX XXXXX I am here to help and assist you in any way I can. I believe that what you are doing is a very selfless, giving and wonderful gift to him which shows how you CARE and wish to see in person that he is o.k. Bravo to you!

Customer:

Well since he doesnt wanna see or talk to me im scared he will not even open the door...

askcounselor :

Be prepared however, if you find that he is weak or ill beyond what you expect.

Customer:

And what hurts me a lot and that i cant understand is that he continues to talk to ppl for hours online its like i do not even exist...he is not the same person i knew

askcounselor :

Perhaps it is the illness himself that he wishes to shield from you.

Customer:

It seems so, he have told me a lot tho, and i never left his side, so i am a bit confused why he decides to push away now

askcounselor :

I means the illness may be what he does not wish you to know about.

askcounselor :

It may be that his illness has progressed and he may even feel embarassed about it.

Customer:

I work in medical care, and i have told him i realized he suffers from depression and he also told me he will go to a doctor to seek help and that he might have medicine for it, so he told me, but still he pushes me away

Customer:

Yes im just very confused and i do not know if it is the right thing to do to go over there

askcounselor :

Better not to push him at this point, but if you go in person, you may be better at assessing the situation...

Customer:

Is it common to be able to talk normally to ppl online but push ppl irl away? His family doesnt have a clue whats going on, and he also lost contact with our common friend

Customer:

No i do not contact him at all, and i will not until im there in person...but do u think he will let me in? He doesnt know i will go there, and he also knows i have nowhere to sleep when im there i will arrive around 9.30 pm

askcounselor :

His cancer and his depression it seems are at the heart of the situation, making him not himself...

Customer:

Yes and i also think the traumas catched up. I told him long time ago to seek help to solve it but he said no

askcounselor :

I believe that he will welcome your visit; after all, it is out of caring that you are going.

Customer:

But is it normal for ppl in his situation to still play game 24/7 and interact with other ppl like nothing have happened? Even tho he said he doesnt wanna talk to anyone or be around humans

Customer:

I hope so, im scared tho to be pushed away even there and have to spend a night oustide lol

askcounselor :

If you are in the medical field, perhaps you may offer him some gentle advice and see if he responds positively to it.

askcounselor :

I hope that you take care of yourself, as well, you sound like an extremely nice person.

Customer:

He did seek help now, which is very good, he was at his doc monday. He decided to do this after he realized he got scared of seeing me instead of happy, so somewhere he might have done it for me also? I do not know

askcounselor :

That sounds like a caring individual, as well.

askcounselor :

Maybe this visit will be something that you both may need and want.

Customer:

Im just very confused how a person can be so changed in just a heartbeat he was always the one calling, if he was at his parents house he always called and said nn

Customer:

I do not know, since he doesnt wanna see me....he was supposed to come here today actually but he said he cant

askcounselor :

Maybe you could ask him when you see him...I'm sure there is an explanation.

Customer:

Do you have any idea how he can sit and play and chat with tons of ppl every night and day when he said he doesnt wanna talk to anyone?

Customer:

He said he doesnt know anything right now, and do not wanna have anything to do with thehuman race..

askcounselor :

My sons play and chat but it is not the same thing as face-to-face communication.

Customer:

True but if i log in, which i stopped a few days ago, he hardly say hello...last time i did tho he said love u too....so confusing

Customer:

that was wednesday

Customer:

i stopped play, cause i cant handle to sit online and not chat with him we were chatting and playing together every evening before this happened

askcounselor :

It may be that his depression over his illness is getting to him; when persons suffer from clinical depression related to an illness, they stop getting enjoyment from things that they ordinarily enjoy.

Customer:

What i am concerned about is that i did not respect his wish to not talk or see anyone by going there.

Customer:

Yes but he still plays, and he does it a lot again, so seems he didnt loose that interest? He did play way to much when i met him, from he woke up until he went to bed, but he stopped that and started to go out more when we had a chat about it, but now he is online 24/7 again

askcounselor :

Perhaps this is one of those special circumstances when you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

Customer:

From reading the story do u truly believe i shall go or should i cancel it?

Customer:

He never contact me anymore, he did respond love u twice tho but thats about it...

askcounselor :

I believe truthfully that you should go to see how he is getting along.

Customer:

and most of the mails i sent got unanswered

askcounselor :

He is experiencing a very difficult time, take his situation into consideration!

Customer:

Yeah i will stick to my plan then. Ty very much was a relief to have someone to talk to im a bit confused, never seen a person change just like that

Customer:

Yes, i will not talk to him about his illness or what have happened, i will just say i wanted to check he is ok

askcounselor :

Please give me a positive feedback rating since it is the way I know I have helped!

Customer:

i have a gut feeling both him and his home is a mess aswell.....

Customer:

How do i do that? im new here :D

askcounselor :

Check off the good or excellent rating on your screen -- thank you!

Customer:

Thanks u too!

askcounselor, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 102
Experience: I am a licensed clinical mental health therapist.
askcounselor and 5 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  askcounselor replied 1 year ago.
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