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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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I need some advice on this one. My ex and I broke up 2

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I need some advice on this one.

My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago, had another talk about it couple of days later ... I was really hurt by everything (she broke things off) and decided to go into NO contact mode ... which is kinda difficult, because we work together (I keep things at work on a professional level with her, just say hello, talk about bussiness stuff). I'm still hurting a lot, because I want to get back with her, but she's just so cold emotionally right now. I also know that I have to move on, I started doing new hobbies, working out more, taking care of myself to be a better person, even been to one date with a girl I met a week ago).

But then today, out of the blue, my ex walks up to me and asks me if I would go on a dinner with her (to a really romantic and top quality restaurant, I might add). I know she has gift certificates to go there, because they were a gift from me, a couple of months a go. But I'm so confused about this, because:

a) she could've taken anybody else
b) if she wants to reconnect as friends, a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant doesn't fall into the "things you do with friends" (at least in my book)
c) why?

I don't really know what's been happening with her and what's going on in her mind, because we haven't talked about anything but work stuff for 2 weeks now.

I'm a bit lost at the moment?
Thanks for your question,

It does seem surprising that if she wants the relationship to be over, that she would ask you to go out to eat at this restaurant. Sometimes by doing what you did and cutting off contact, that can give her some time and space to think about things, and perhaps even reconsider her stance on the relationship. That may be the most optimistic possibility, but it is also possible that if she has been feeling tension at work she wants to make sure that things can continue to be friendly and professional moving forward.

If you had been together for a long time or had established a deep connection with your ex prior to breaking up, it's possible that this transition has also been very difficult for her too. I agree that this doesn't seem like the type of thing you would do with someone if you want to reconnect as a friend, and perhaps there are things that have been left unsaid or that she still wants to talk about regarding your relationship together. It should certainly be interesting to see how this dinner goes, and while I would be cautious about being overly optimistic about the results, it seems like whatever happens can't hurt more than what you've already been through with her, so it is certainly worth seeing what her intentions are. I definitely wish you the best and hope it all goes well. If there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for the answer. Well, things at work are going just fine, even other coworkers told me that we were very professional about this and not letting our personal lives influence our work, so I'm almost sure that this is not it. We've been together for a year and a half, but we really had a deep, deep connection going until the last 2 months when things started to fall apart (there was no violence, cheating or even fights). I don't know what she's trying to achieve but I kinda blew her off (in a very nice way, not trying to hurt her or come over rude) and told her that I'm really busy with all the stuff that's going on and I'm also going to a sailing trip with my friends for 2 weeks next week, so I told her that the first free weekend I have is the last weekend in May (5 weeks from today). She went through with it and confirmed the date. I'm sorry but this is all really confusing to me.

No problem, I can see why you wouldn't think it is directly related to professionalism at work if that has otherwise been ok, and if you blew her off and she still was persistent enough to confirm the date of May 5th, that does make it seem like she has an agenda or something in particular that she would like to talk about. As far as what exactly she is trying to achieve, it is hard to say, and I think most people would be confused in a situation like this especially since you haven't talked about anything personal in a while. Obviously it is something that she wants to talk about personally and face to face, which does make it seem like it would be related to your relationship together. Unfortunately I don't think there's any way to know for sure until you get there, but I agree that this isn't something that someone would typically do if they just wanted to reconnect as friends. Best of luck and I hope it goes well,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

OK, thank you. Should I ask her why she wants to go on dinner or will that come across as too needy or something like that.

And the date is May 25th.

Considering the way the past two weeks have gone it seems like a reasonable question to ask why she wants to go to dinner, so I don't think there is anything needy about that. It would be different if you were to tell her that you were hoping to discuss your relationship, or that you wanted to find some time to talk about it at dinner. But it seems like you've created some distance and didn't jump at the opportunity to go to dinner with her, so it sounds like you're doing a good job of not appearing needy or overzealous.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

OK, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX I'm just gonna let her wait and things go along in a natural way. I'm gonna let you know about how this plays out when it will happen.


No problem! Your approach sounds good and makes sense to me. Keep me posted I'll be interested to hear what happened. If you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive rating I'd appreciated it. Best of luck,

Ryan LCSW and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


there has been a new development yesterday evening: I got an e-mail (yes, an e-mail) from her with the subject: something ...

I'm not gonna write everything here, but basically it went along the lines of ...

"Hi, I've been thinking a lot about what you said to me the last time we talked [I told her I knew what I did wrong and I'm willing to work very hard to fix it and that I still love her a lot]. I've been living in an isolated "bubble" just for myself these days, but yesterday when I drove home a song came on the radio that reminded me of you and us.


I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I just had to"

So, this was the e-mail. What's up with this. Should I reply? What should I tell her? Is this her way of telling me that she wants to get back together again? I know that she's a person who carries a lot of pride in herself and she will never, ever say it out straight like "I'm sorry, I was wrong I want us to try again."

It sounds like what you said that she has a lot of pride and can't come right out and say that she's been reconsidering things or would like to talk about your relationship. It seems like she's looking for you to say "I've been thinking about you too," or something like that. It's really up to you whether you want to respond or not. Her message to you was more of a statement, but it may to be acknowledged in some way in order to keep the line of communication open. Best of luck,

Ryan LCSW and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I just wanted to do a follow up, as new things have happened. I went on a sailing holiday with some friends for a week and the evening before I left, she sent me a text that she's feeling weird because I'm going alone and she's not going along because we went everywhere together during our time together. She also wrote that she's writing the text because she still cares and she feels strange that she's not being included anymore in my life and in my plans. I replied to her that I appreciate her telling me this but that "this is how things are at the moment". She wished me a nice time. We exchanged a couple of fun texts during the trip and when I came back yesterday she sent me a text "How was your trip? did you have fun?" I told her that it was great and so many fun things happened that I can't possibly tell them through text and proposed that we get coffee sometime next week. She agreed. I'm also wondering if I should send her a text because she went on a trip with her parents to their family in Bosnia and I'm feeling exactly like her (we used to talk a lot about her taking me there). What do you think? Am I doing things right?

I still miss her a lot and want her back, but I cleared my mind a lot during sailing and I know it will not be the end of the world if we don't get back together.

Should I send her the text? Or will I come over too clingy and needy?

At this point it seems like enough time has gone by that you can send her a text like that without seeming too clingy or needy. From the things she has said to you, it seems like she would be happy to hear that you felt similarly when she was on her trip, even if she says the same thing in return about it being too much to talk about by text. It does open the door for the potential of a conversation about how you feel or more in depth about your relationship together, but if you are ok with that risk, it doesn't seem like anything bad can happen from sending that text. Overall it seems like you've handled things well and I think it is important to get to that point where your mind feels clear and you know that your world will not end if you don't get back together. That can help you to approach things from a fresh perspective and if you do get back together it could be a big benefit to your relationship in the long run. Good luck, I hope it goes well if you decide to send it.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I've sent the text. Got back a reply that was the same as mine. "This is how things are at the moment. Maybe some day it will be different." Later on we exchanged a couple of fun texts and she found out about some stuff about the things I've been up to and she told me "wow, you really have changed your life a lot." Am I doing this ok, or am I just getting my hopes up to high?

It sounds like you're doing everything well and it seems like there are reasons to be optimistic, but at the same time I think it's important to keep that perspective that you've gained in the event that you don't get back together. From what you described it doesn't sound like you've done anything that is going to hurt your chances, so hopefully things continue to look up.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So, I brought here her favorite chocolate on wednesday and we went for coffee yesterday ... it was a casual coffee (a little bit over an hour) we talked about the fun stuff both of us did in recent weeks, the conversation was light, easy, we didn't say a word about (our) past. I actually had a great time just talking to her and being near her. Then we went home, agreed to do something fun together next week, hugged and went our separate ways. In that moment, my heart just broke to pieces. I cried, knowing I can't have her, can't kiss her, can't hold hands, she's not my girlfriend anymore. What should I do? Write her a letter and express my feelings to her, apologize, and ask her for another chance? Or just block her out of my life completely and take care of myself (cancel all the arrangements I have with her)? I still would love to get back with her, but I don't want to fall into a circle of depression and just losing myself in the process. At the moment, I'm feeling profound sadness.

Unfortunately it sounds like you only have a few choices, and that is to tell her how you feel and see how it goes, or start to distance yourself regardless of how she feels. It's pretty understandable to want to avoid falling into a depression, so if this is too much, it would be entirely appropriate to say that it's going to be too difficult for you just to remain friends. Perhaps that would open up a conversation on how she feels and where she sees this heading. Hang in there and good luck with everything.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So, I got myself out of this dark hole ... realised 100 % that it's over and told her we can be friends. Is there a chance that the 'fire' will come back after a while?

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