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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Ive just started no contact with my boyfriend and if I had

Customer Question

I've just started no contact with my boyfriend and if I had a lil more insight as to his reasons for the psychology of his behavior I would be able to continue this no contact... So here goes


I really want to know why he snubs her why he can't be friendly to her she is to him.

My boy friend is so spiteful to his ex wife, they got divorced two years ago because he cheated on her while she was pregnant. They were together for 10 years . I admire her, she let him have his way when their son was only 8 weeks old. She even tried to work things out, but I guess he kept it up.

In fact at the Beginning of our relationship two years ago when their son was first born, he was cheating on me with her. She found out and left him for good! She told him to basically die . And filed for separation . Yet he swore up and down that he had nothing to do with her.

So she went back to work, she is a gorgeous and they have a beautiful son, whom I love. And I like her too.

He purposely snubs her when he sees her, he even lies on her and then last year he even kept her son from her on Mothers day. I guess their custody schedule didnt allow for it.


He cant coparent with her, no good deed is returned by him. He also brag about his life to her, yet tells her to stay out of his life, shes not interested it. Hes even flashy around her.

The one time they did speak, I was eaves dropping and overheard her ask him if he had ever cheated on her and he flat out lied to her and said " honestly no!" Flat out lie!!

Why continue to lie to her if your done and she knows the truth!

My question is why is he so spiteful to her even after two years? She gave him what she wanted and moved on with her life. She told him to basically kick rocks, she gave him what he wanted. She moved on, has a new guy and doesnt even bother him, like most ex wives.

The other day we were talking about ex relationships and when the topic landed on her, he started to tear up.

He says he hates her so much that he wants nothing to do with her, yet I found out that he has been in contact with her uncle, who he never really knew that well. He lied to me about that too.
I caught him even asking him about her, which he denies but I read it with my own eyes.

What is making him so spiteful? Why does he spite her so much if he is over her. Why hate her?

He talks about her as a mother, says that their two year old son hates her, etc. The kid loves his mom.
Yet he admits that he wouldn't be where he is today of it want for her!

If I knew what was going on in his head this choice would be easier for me!

How can he smile on the outside yet act so mean to her!
Thank you... I really appreciate it.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

The reason why he is so spiteful is because he has deep down hurt that he has not healed from.

Deardebra :

When break ups happen it isn't the easiest thing to get over specially since they have a son. He throws things up in her face about his life because he wants her to know he is fine without her, living his own life.

Deardebra :

He wants to hurt her like she hurt him by telling her things that he is doing and how happy he is.

Deardebra :

He is very torn about his emotions he knows the relationship they had and he cheated and things ended up with them separating. Even though he has all these emotions that relationship has long been over.

Deardebra :

He has moved on with you and is very happy and he lets his ex know how happy he is.

Deardebra :

But he stills has emotions that he can not fix because they never discussed them.

Deardebra :

He never got that closure he needed.

Deardebra :

So he is angry and upset because he has so many things to say. I can tell just by when you said he started to tear up. Some times in life you wish things were different and people make mistakes that they can never take back.

Deardebra :

But these mistakes have been made he has moved on but is unsettled in his emotions.

Deardebra :

His relationship with you is happy and healthy.

Deardebra :

But he has unresolved issues with her that he has not come to terms with

Deardebra :

and should resolve.

Deardebra :

In order for him to get rid of that spitefulness he needs to talk about it.

Deardebra :

You mentioned about her asking about cheating and he said no, you know this is not true he did cheat.

Deardebra :

So he lied so he wouldn't hurt her.

Deardebra :

Now the reason why he is sad could be that he has child with her and that could be all his emotions.

Deardebra :

People have images of what a perfect family should be and when you have a child together you think you are going to be with the mother of your child.

Deardebra :

But some times that is when you realize that is not the one for you and you move on, but take an active roll in your childs life.

Deardebra :

This is what he did because I feel he knew he was in love with you and he made a choice to be with you because you were the one he wanted to be with, but he still has feelings of hurt from the past.

Customer:

Well I didnt mention that he cheated on me with her. They had tried to work things out I suppose or he kept going back to her and she told him to kick rocks and what not and Im the one who staid.

Customer:

He wasnt as viscious with her and such a liar about her until he found that she was dating a new guy.

Customer:

He has also cheated on me with other woman as well.

Customer:

A while back he had picked a fight with me and blurted out that he had F*** the Sh** out of her and asked if that is what I wanted to hear.

Customer:

See the thing is, I feel like he still has feelings for her

Customer:

like she still has his heart and rather than admit it he acts as if he doesnt

Customer:

What do you think?

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 



Well I didnt mention that he cheated on me with her. They had tried to work things out I suppose or he kept going back to her and she told him to kick rocks and what not and Im the one who staid.





8:52 AM



He wasnt as viscious with her and such a liar about her until he found that she was dating a new guy.






8:52 AM



He has also cheated on me with other woman as well.






8:53 AM



A while back he had picked a fight with me and blurted out that he had F*** the Sh** out of her and asked if that is what I wanted to hear.






8:54 AM



See the thing is, I feel like he still has feelings for her






8:54 AM



like she still has his heart and rather than admit it he acts as if he doesnt






8:55 AM



What do you think?



Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Its hard when an ex moves on and starts dating someone else when you feel like you haven't said all you needed to say. It can really bother someone if they feel someone else took their stop and it should have been their life if they didn't mess things up. You mentioned about him cheating on you with her and I feel this relationship with her was coming to an end and that is why he never left you. You mentioned you stayed. I feel like him cheating was a mistake and he knew that. Sometimes you think you want someone back but you don't when you realize the relationship was not good. When you care about someone you tend to forget and think everything was great until you get back together and realized you were in love with the one you left then you spend your time trying to get them back. I don't feel he had any intentions on going back to her because he is in love with you. His life is with you now.I do not feel like she has his heart I feel like they have history together but there is nothing left just hurt and anger.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


I dont know if I agree with that. See he not only cheated on me with her, yet with other woman as well. He started seeing me just two weeks prior to his son being born. He lies to me all the time, picks fights and whats most iritating is that the ex wife was at a wedding that we attended and at first he didnt want me to go and then when he found out that she was going afterall he rushed to bring me. Not only was I there but he stared at her all night.


 


I was the other woman that he was lying to her about and cheating with and when she found out she moved to another state to start over. I dont think he thought that she would pick up and move on.


 


I even heard him talking to a friend of his about how he was going to hook up with another girl behind my back. Yet again I couldnt believe him.


 


Her uncle and his best friend even told me that he had no intentions of being serious with me, yet that his plan of keeping her stupid backfired and that I was the next best thing, a warm blanket until he could figure out how to get her back. Well hes met with rejection with her, which he is not used to.


 


I also caught him lying again about his interaction with his ex wifes family. He lies about cutting them off entirely , yet I found out that he went on vacation with her unlces. These are unlces that he just met two years ago, so he had no real connection. I then come to find out that when he talks to them he ask about her yet will lie about it to me. I feel as if its him trying to keep his foot in the door.


 


Also he can talk to all of his exes but her he snubs. See there are times that he tried to communicate with her and since he cheated on her, well she treats everything as a lie. Shes nice to him but I feel that he knows he shot himself in the foot with her.


 


 


This has been going on for two years now and well while he says he is over her, his behavior shows otherwise.


 


I feel as though that he can talk to everyone else but her, like if he could figure her out hed take her back.


 


He also slipped up during a recent conversation with his friend that he didnt want to take me on a couples on conversation, if he loved me then why not take me?


 


I feel that he feels rejected by her and that is why he treats her that way and that he never anticipated getting caught which is why he is they way that he is with her.


 


What do you think?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I wanted to ask you a question, if she was to say that she wanted him back, how you do you feel he would act and why?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think he would "reject" it then a few months later consider it ... Based upon his behavior towards her... Just this morning he declined Mother's Day again for no reason at all! So his behavior speaks volumes. When she was on his bandwagon so to speak he was fine. When she was single he was fine? Thoughts?
Thank you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Mothers day is an important day for a mom and like you had said that is a sign of spite that he wants to hurt her. You feel that he would reject it if she wanted to get back together and I feel he would do the same. You said you thought a few months later he would consider it. I feel that he would not go back or even consider it because I feel the hurt is to deep and he would never put his heart out there ever again. I feel he has moved on with you and he is done with her. He is only interested in hurting her feelings like she hurt him. The reason is because he never really dealt with his emotions. So they are just there not getting solved. If he could stop the spitefulness and tell her how he feelings feels so she knows that is is upset. Keeping things in doesn't help in him healing from things not working out. Otherwise he is just going to keep doing what he is doing. He needs to let that frustration out,so he can go forward. Please accept my answer.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So he moved back in with her this morning ! I don't think he loved me! He was using me to comfort his loss.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He moved back in with her. what did he say too you?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He didn't tell me he lied to me and said that he's just been visiting. Well his mother told me that he moved back in this morning. She thought I knew.
Another thing is, it's not just her that he cheated on me with its many other woman.

How can he say that he loves me if he cheats me and calls me names... He's not in love with me he was using me to soften the hurt until she took him back. Right?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
It seems that she has some sort of hold on him. I think they think they belong together. He keeps making mistakes, she keeps taking him back it is an on going relationship together. I do not feel he was using you in anyway. I feel he was given the second chance to go back and he took it. He also has cheated many times even being in a relationship with her. If he does call or text trying to explain things, I would not be so available too him to talk. He might think he is still going to have a relationship with you too, so I would make that clear that he has made his choice and you are going to move on now.

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