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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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Can I ask how u would cope with people not being truthful and

Resolved Question:

Can I ask how u would cope with people not being truthful and mistreating so much u feel isolated ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

20pluscounts :

Hello, so sorry to keep you waiting. I hope we can connect soon.

20pluscounts :

Thank you so much for posting again.

20pluscounts :

Are you referring to family, friends, and or co workers mistreating you?

20pluscounts :

This is difficult, and as I recall from our previous chat you struggle with family not supporting or validating you.

20pluscounts :

You may have a good idea of what you want in your life but feel held back but what you experience in your family.

20pluscounts :

If those people you are referring to are being dishonest and mistreating you I see why you've pulled away- but then you begin to feel lonely and isolated.

20pluscounts :

Deciding to remove yourself from hurtful people is sometimes what one needs to do to heal, and grow.

20pluscounts :

You seek the truth and can no longer tolerate being mistreated- but that does not make it easy to get those old "tapes" from your family from going away. When we've heard something for so long, some part of us begins to believe it. On the one hand you know the truth, and know you do not deserve this mistreatment, but on the other hand this is your family you are talking about. Our family is where we get our identity- shapes us into who we are today.

20pluscounts :

The book I recommended to you before, Bradshaw on the Family. written by John Bradshaw, talks about shame. A piece from the book states that: "parenting forms children's chore belief about themselves. Nothing could be more important". If rules in the family were abusive or shaming it can destroy children's identity. This results in shame. Because of experiencing shame in one's family it can lead to feeling depressed, alienated, isolated, lonely, mistrusting due to a deep sense of inadequacy or failure. Shame in a sense is a total non-self acceptance.

20pluscounts :

As children growing up we see our parents as "God like", that they do no wrong, and instead of recognizing that parents can hurt, create internal pain, and suffering in us- we blame self- that we have somehow done wrong, and or are defective. As we become teens, adults we begin to realize- "hey wait a minute that was not right how I was treated", and begin taking a closer look at this. Some part of us begins to realize we were not to blame; recognize the injustice of it all. Where the true work needs to focus on is that part of our self that blamed our self, needs to join with the part that knows the "truth". You referred to knowing the truth and this may be part of what you refer to.

20pluscounts :

The ultimate truth is the generations of family that have experienced this and continue to pass it on to their own children. I'm pretty sure if you took a look at your ancestry there is a generation of hurt. The difference between you and other family, is that you no longer can accept things as they are, because you do know the "truth". It's painful, but this is an important step towards breaking that cycle. This comes from doing the work to heal, to start believing you are good, not defective.

20pluscounts :

When children grow up hearing criticism of self- it becomes ingrained- it covers the true and good self. The mistreatment and criticism, the hurt, and negativity is not true, it is not "you".

20pluscounts :

Are you on line?

20pluscounts :

We can not convince people of the "truth" when their reality, is just that "theirs", different from our own.

20pluscounts :

I will be notified when you are on line and post your reply. Hope to connect soon.

Customer:

I have struggled with people acting that way along with co-workers. I would like a job that I can be social with and have fun and not have to put up with bullies and trouble makers with attitudes. I think it's because I have experienced a lot of this with others and I have tried for along time to rid of all this negativity from people.

Customer:

I have had difficulty being around men because of lying, cheating, and I thought I was over these issues along time ago but it still seems to be affecting me some. I need to work through that and would be easier if guys wouldn't act so dysfunctional. I haven't been able to get close with a man for quite awhile. Many issues I need to work through. I always feel that trust comes with time but havent met anyone who I would like to go forward with.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
Jean and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello, thank you for your reply. There be various reasons why you mistrust. In time that "right" guy will come along. Taking a look at what attracts you to a particular man may give you a bit more insight. As you find ways to build your self worth you may be attracted to someone who is more "right" and "available". We tend to be attracted to someone who in some way reminds us of a parent as a way to "get it right" this time. Maybe, if you focus, right now on you becoming stronger, strengthening your self worth, the good stuff will follow. It's typical that when one is not "looking" for a mate, that one happens to come along. Think specifically about what you want in a partner- right it down. Sometimes putting that "intention" out there into the universe- we get what we wish for. You are not alone, most people have "many issues to work through". The beauty is in the imperfection- to be human. Feeling better about your self will bring you good things.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Greetings Christin,
I look forward to any other comments or questions you may have, and or an update on how things are going for you. Have a good day!
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your reply, I had difficulty accessing this site. I agree what u are saying, it's been frustrating as I am ok for awhile and then sometimes there are triggers that occur that make it difficult . I am used to having a busy social life and when trying to adjust to a city who isn't as accepting is hard to cope with at times. I wish I could meet people that aren't toxic and are just normal! Being alone a lot isn't healthy either so trying to fit with others is challenging when usually I don't have a problem . Any suggestions? As far as men , I stopped trying a few years ago and it hasn't improved any.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello I am off for most of the day. I will respond when able. Yes how many tads does one need to kiss to find their prince?? More than anything need to find social outlets or add to what u are already doing. Do not give up. Try try again. Have a good day.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Christin,
Hello! Did you have other comments or questions? If not would you be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can get credit- much appreciated!
Jean

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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
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Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.