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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we

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I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have lived together for six months. We got along really well for the first year when we were not living together. We had our own lives and when we got together we usually would do something fun like go for a hike or go see a play. I was so excited to move in with him and in the beginning it was great. However we both have stressful jobs with long hours and I tend to work even more hours then he does. I made a point of adapting to his lifestyle as I moved into his apartment and I feel like I was the one who had to make all of the changes. Anyway, to make a long story short we haven't been getting along at all lately as he feels like he does all of the house work which is true as I have been working six day weeks. And, I have been getting mad at him because everytime I ask him about our future together and when we will plan to have a baby he becomes very elusive about it. I verbally cornered him one day and he told me that if we had kids he would have to do everything "chore wise". I was very hurt by this because I am very hardworking and I don't feel like he's been fair to me as I have tried very hard to adapt to a new city, a new job and he hasn't made much effort to adapt to me been a part of his life. I really want to know that he cares about me and wants the same things as me, but, he refuses to commit to having children, although he says he wants them. I'm 37 years old and he is 40 years old so we don't have much time to have a family. Since I moved in to his place we rarely go out and we rarely have fun together anymore. We got into a disagreement the other night as I cant seem to let go of my desire to set a timeline for when we will have children. I feel like I can not enjoy life if I miss out on the opportunity to have children and I feel like he is leading me along a path to a childless life. Please help as I do love him but, I want the relationship we had before I moved in with him. I am considering moving out in a desperate attempt to regain my self esteem and hopefully regain the relationship we once had. I just feel like we met so late in life and we are both very set in our ways. How can we make it work?
Hello. You find yourself in a common situation, as once people move in together, the relationship generally can change drastically. At this point, you have one option and that is to have a serious, blunt conversation with him about all of your concerns. I know you said you have cornered him verbally, but you need to be able to get your feelings across in a way that he will listen and understand. If he is one to walk away from confrontation of any kind, I might suggest writing down everything you feel and presenting it to him at a time when he can read and reflect on it. Explain to him your feelings about the house work and what in your opinion is fair in a relationship. If you can speak to him face to face about all of this, it would be ideal, but if you can't, you are going to have to get it all out there. You can't hide feelings and assume he will figure it out. Chances are, he won't. Tell him what you said here as far as not being able to enjoy life unless you have a time line and that your biological clock is ticking and you want him to be honest with you about his intentions. As you said, you are running out of time to start a family, so you don't have time to mess around with wondering things about the relationship. Some very frank discussions need to take place so that you can both decide if you are on the right page. Ask him how he feels about you moving out and see what thinks about that as well. You are both a team. Try not to approach this as you vs him. Tell him that you want to find a solution to this together and you are open to his feelings about this as well. Eventually you are going to have to learn how to live with each other. Moving out may solve things short term, but you can't be married with a child and live apart. It's going to have to be worked out. Open up and talk with him. It's the only way you can both find a solution.
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