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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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I would like to chat with someone about how to cope better

Resolved Question:

I would like to chat with someone about how to cope better with negative, abusive & rude people.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you- welcome!

20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

20pluscounts :

I'd like to hear a bit more about your struggle with negative, abusive, and rude people.

20pluscounts :

Are these people, those you can not avoid, co workers or family etc.?

20pluscounts :

I think you've identified something significant in your question- "how to cope", since it's unlikely we can change another person.

20pluscounts :

However, in our response to those people it can create a change within the relationship.

20pluscounts :

Of course most would encourage you to surround yourself with positive, kind, and respectful people, but when you are forced to have contact it's a different story.

20pluscounts :

Learning ways to respond assertively, ignore, and or creating a protective layer around yourself is the best place to focus.

20pluscounts :

Hello, can you join me?

Customer:

It is sometimes co workers and mostly family.

20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining the live chat!

Customer:

I have tried to ignore, confront, but it seems as though with my family, my feelings don't matter.

Customer:

I know what I would like and everytime I try to do something or make relationships someone is negative, criticizing and doesn't want me to be happy or successful.

20pluscounts :

Sounds like you are not feeling validated by your family, do not feel heard. Your feelings do matter, some people have trouble validating, listening to another.

Customer:

It's like they are narrow minded and only listen to what they want. I have been isolated and ignored for quite awhile and I am fed up with all the excuses. I am a social and fun person, but feel like I have been emotionally paralyzed from living my life as I used to.

Customer:

Being constantly criticized and negative comments said all the time only makes me worry when I try not to. Dating has been really difficult because I am told I will never find a man who wants anything because of people are, being selfish, cheating, lying etc I have tried to relocate for almost 4 years and have been bounced around living with people I don't know very well, and agents giving me a hard time or very little help trying to find a decent place to live so I can rebuild my life.

20pluscounts :

You do not feel supported by your family- those we would hope would be our biggest support. Interestingly enough those who love us but criticize us, often believe they are "helping" with their criticism. Funny way of showing it huh? You sound like you are "fed up" and want to break out of, maybe away from this. Is it possible to remove yourself from this? Sometimes family has trouble validating due to their own low self worth, and or desire to keep you "down", and with them. You are more open minded, and like you said they are "closed" minded- there may lie the biggest conflict. You are your own person- some family members have trouble allowing each family member to have their own identity.

Customer:

Thats exactly how I feel, I have not spoken to many of them for quite awhile and then when I do there seems to be arguing because they feel since I have been in their house it gives them the right to control what I do, when I have always made my own decisions and have been independent. I am not treated very well, and I have tried numerous times but they don't admit it and I get the, poor me comments. I can't stand the yelling or arguing and I took a job 4 hours away from them so I wouldn't have to listen to it and when they start I make excuses to get off the phone or leave the situation. They say the same about not changing people but it is difficult to be around negative, rude, and manipulative people. Some of these do need to change because living a life that is dysfunctional only makes things worse. I have read many books, have a good sense when people act like that. But its hard when dealing with all of this on my own and feeling like I don't matter.

20pluscounts :

Those old tapes from family growing up tend to play over in our head even when we leave home- we replay what we've heard growing up. It's tough to put that out of your head because you've heard it all your life. Do you feel supported by anyone- friend, co worker? You sound like you are in a place, ready to break this unhealthy cycle. You will need support to do that. You deserve better and it's never to late to venture into change and growth- can be a painful process though, but worth the work. Finding ways to build your self worth is important too. You do matter!!

Customer:

I have been trying to break this unhealthy cycle for a long time. Things can be ok and then terrible for awhile. I try to chat with people I trust but being alone all the time isn't fun either. I get blamed for things I don't do or say, and I understand it's the dysfunctional ways of thinking. I always have got along better with my family when having my own house but I have had an awful past few years and have lost a lot of loved ones along the way and get told to get over it. I need counselling and different ways of coping with this negativity. I try to surround myself with positive people but seem to not get what I would like from trying to seek relationships.

20pluscounts :

Sounds like they are more focused on self- trouble giving, and validating you. You hit it right on the head- It sounds like it's more about where they are at in dysfunction, and less about anything you have done- it's the way they interact, treat others- sounds like a negative place to be- toxic! Must find a way to put a protective layer of armor on you- to not allow the negative to penetrate. You may talk to yourself they way they have talked to you growing up- that's natural. Put your energy into healing and recovery of you. That may mean limiting the contact with those who hurt you, at least until you feel stronger and have a protective "coat" to wear. You are right to find a way to get off the phone when it gets negative. I'm not so sure they "get it", and not so sure you can teach them to "get it". Focus on healing self and protect yourself from further hurt. You may need to seek the counseling to address all of this- you deserve it!

Customer:

I feel weak and drained and no matter how much I try to ignore it, it seems to get me emotional. I have read all the books on toxic people, abusive people, alcoholics, and how it affects families. It's the aggregation of meanness and isolation of people are too busy to be bothered with me is what I get told, or it's my weight, I am not thin enough etc. I am not going to tolerate anymore of this negative, rudeness and I hope these people are proud of how they are because it gets them nowhere with me but out the door. I just wish I could find people that want to have fun and be social instead of not. I refuse to be controlled by others who are bullies.

20pluscounts :

We tend to seek out relationships that are similar to those we had growing up as a way to heal ourselves, and it feels familiar- what we've learned. Familiar and family are quite similar words. Once you heal self you will seek out more positive people and relationships. What you describe is "normal"- but you do sound motivated to "turn the page" start anew. Interesting that many people as they leave home have to do some healing first- however, I do believe most parents do the best they "know of"- they do what they've been taught- what's "familiar from their family". Have you read any of John Bradshaw's books? He writes about family, shame, roles we play in the family, and healing. A good one is titled Bradshaw on the Family The biggest bullies are those who are the most insecure- afraid.

Customer:

I have been trying to heal myself for along time. Its ok for awhile and then it returns. I was in the ER recently with chest pains and alone because of all this stress. I didn't get much support with that either until I demanded that something be done about it. I haven't read that book but I will read anything that will help me heal so I can go forward with more positive people and keep myself healthy.

20pluscounts :

You will need to find support, possibly counseling to do this healing. People tend to create what they fear the most. Sometimes in families a parent fears losing a child, or their children leaving, and they then create this- make the person so miserable they leave, and in a hurry. A lot of it has to do with FEAR- for many people. Good statement "I refuse to be controlled by others who are bullies", yes breaking those chains that bind and hurt you. Some of this is grief and loss too- the loss of what we hoped our family could or would be. Did you have an anxiety, panic attack when you went to er. This stuff is starting to affect you physically huh?

Customer:

Yes, it has been for awhile. I used to exercise everyday but have had a hard time doing it. I do some but do try to when I can. I have been having mitral regurgitation and I think it has been from stress of all that and my blood pressure is better but dealing with people when they aren't nice isn't my idea of having fun. So, I don't surround myself with all that because it does bother me.

Customer:

Ever since my grandparents passed away my family has been not the same. People act like they don't care or not being treated fairly. Who doesn't have stress but being rude and controlling is another. I have been afraid to reach out to people I know because of them going to my parents so I attempt to speak with people who aren't close to my family. It's just hard sometimes because I miss them and I was close to them and since then I get treated like I don't matter.

20pluscounts :

You do need to find a way to care better for self- realize you do deserve the health and good things in life- even if you did not hear that from your family. If you are talking about alcoholism in the family- that's complicated and children learn many roles, and cope the best they can surviving a home like this. What you did to cope in your family- whether it was pos. or neg. may be something that still affects you. For example a child may learn to be quiet, repress, be invisible to avoid the trouble/chaos at home- naturally find ways to adapt to get through this. Another child may become perfectionistic- seek something positive outside the home, bring honor to the family. You have probably read all about this stuff and know it takes working a recovery program for self. Exercise can help work the stress off for sure. Yes, working towards clearing out the neg. in your life, but at the same time having some sort of support to recover. Feeling alone, and isolated is not a good feeling- lonely! We need others- we are mammals!! In therapy we often say "support, support, support". That is a great loss for you- your grandparents someone who supported, cared..It takes courage to reach out to others, yes!

20pluscounts :

Your entire family may still be grieving the significant loss- but some families don't "talk" unwritten rule in some families.

Customer:

I understand that. Don't talk, listen or feel. I have experienced all too well. Sometimes it is ok but being an adult child living in a home like that is not healthy. I have been trying to move for almost 4 years and have had nothing but difficulties trying to do so. The comments are ridiculous at times. Another is others causing trouble when I am not a part of it and get blamed. I know what the entire truth is and that is what matters the most.

20pluscounts :

You do sound like you may be ready to seek out that help and support- especially when it affects us physically- our bodies tend to start communicating to help us "get it"- minds and bodies naturally want to heal. Learning to cope is what comes from recovery- but it is a process. Progress not perfection- takes time. Right- the truth is what matters- you know in your heart what that is.

20pluscounts :

Do you journal?

20pluscounts :

Sounds like you've played the role of scapegoat in family? The person who is blamed, pressured, etc.

Customer:

I have kept a journal at times. Yes, I have been the scapegoat for many years. It is hurtful when being blamed for things when its not me. My parents are both retired and interfere with my brothers and me. Sometimes it is ok to hear what they have to say but other times they need to learn to stop interfering. I have tried telling them repeatedly but they don't listen to what I would like. The answer to others is to let them go and onward. Nothing you can do etc. I have tried to seek help other times and it was ok and then it regressed. Its like an ongoing process but has been dealt with and should be put behind.

20pluscounts :

Has this information/chat helped? I do need to run, I've enjoyed the chat. Any last comments or questions? My best answer is for you to find support of some kind, identify things that can heal you- like exercise. Make a list of those things that are steps towards healing- i.e. reducing that stress, protective coat around self, reminding yourself of the truth... You will be able to refer back to this chat even after you accept/rate my answer. A rating of ok or higher will allow me to get credit. Thank you for your post. Let me know if I can help again- can ask for me by name "20pluscounts", better known as, Jean.

Customer:

I need to go too, thanks for the info!

20pluscounts :

Remind yourself you are worthy of the good stuff!!

20pluscounts :

You are welcome!

Customer:

bye for now

20pluscounts :

have a good one!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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