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Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question
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My husband 1 - doesnt take me out 2- allowed his church
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1 - doesn't take me out
2- allowed his church to tell him that our marriage wasn't recognized
3 - never says that he loves me in public
4 - never introduces me to his friends
5 - Has never admitted that he was wrong about anything or said that he was sorry
I have tried to talk to him but nothing changes what should I do?
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replied 3 years ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.
You sound very unhappy and it doesn't feel as though you deserve any if this type of treatment, no-one does.
I shall talk about each of your points in turn:
1) if he doesn't take you out, is there something that perhaps you could arrange and organize for the both of you? Sometimes, men are unaware of how much certain gestures can mean to women. So booking a restaurant might be a start and letting him know or perhaps saying to him that it'd be nice to take a walk in the park on the weekend?
2) issues regarding the church; I'm very sorry to hear this and it sounds like you are feeling very hurt by his lack of action, leaving you feeling very invalidated by this comments from those within the church. He needs to recognize that this was unacceptable (not sticking up for your marriage) and he truly needs to accept that this has not left you feeling very good about the security of your relationship
3) in terms of publicly not saying he loves you, some men don't do this at all - but still are very affectionate at home and are willing and happy to convey this in their own environment. However, there are also men who are unable to display any form of affection because in their minds, it shows them as 'weak' men. The other alternative is that he is just not this type of man and not within this relationship with you, for reasons yet unknown.
4) not being introduced to his friends shows a real lack of trust almost in terms of not allowing you into this part of his life. He's your husband, this should be part and parcel of your relationship or any relationship when two people are committed in this way to one another. What's the secret? Or is it that he likes to live a separate life from you...
5) not admitting ever - to being wrong about things is a very stubborn character trait that makes the person feel that by doing so, demonstrates his weakness and perhaps it was how he was brought up too (his family culture of how they treated women might be interesting to understand).
With this level of non-communication you have a lot of work ahead of you. He needs to be a big part of wanting to resolve this and if he chooses not to, then you may want to reconsider a) where exactly this relationship is heading and b) are you really happy within this marriage as it is right now?
You may have to try and find another alternative in trying to combat some of the above points as you've laid them out. I'm very sorry for the way you are being treated by him. He doesn't come across as deserving of your love, care and attention. All the things that you want I'm assuming you would convey and express to him without any hesitation, yet he seems unable to do this.
You may want to consider couple counseling as an option, here are some links for you to take a look at for further information.
USA therapists website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/
Another website where you can search for counselors: http://www.nbcc.org/counselorfind
On a final point, if I may make an observation, to say to your wife that he will not do anything he doesn't want to do 'just' to make you happy, comes across as very selfish and perhaps he's unhappy about being in this marriage. His feelings for you do not seem full of affection, respect and care but instead, maybe the relationship serves different purposes, such as to say 'I'm married', to have someone doing things for him and caring for him without any investment from him - this doesn't seem a very fair scenario does it? I'm also wondering how long he has been like this with you and whether something has triggered off such treatment from him towards you...or whether he has always been like this but it's just gotten worse over time. I truly hope that you can begin to understand some of what may be going on here. He doesn't seem to show you respect and I believe you deserve that. Sometimes, it can be important to communicate (if the partner is willing), but of they're not - then how do you move forward and find a way to be happy? It may be very difficult to be happy within this relationship under these circumstances and you might need to begin thinking more about your needs and wants and desires for your life. Only my best to you, take good care of you.
I hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.
Kindest Regards, Karin
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