How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
57081136
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I struggle with a very bad case of jealousy,,

Customer Question

I struggle with a very bad case of jealousy,,
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Jealous is very common when you love and care for someone.
Deardebra : The reason usually for jealousy is fear of losing the one you love.
Deardebra : You care and love someone so much you can not imagine your life without them. This is when jealousy has a tendency to take over emotions and you just react.
Deardebra : You want to think about exactly what is causing the jealousy. Jealousy can be many things, so you need to think about what triggers the jealousy.
Deardebra : You want look deep into how you feel and why. Usually the cause is due to the fact that you love someone and care about them that you can't control your emotions because you care for the person so much.
Deardebra : In a relationship it takes time to build trust. What you want to think abotu is you want to connect with your partner, you do not want to be so focused on jealousy that you are not enjoying each others company.
Deardebra : It is very easy to get caught up in those intense jealous emotions. One way to handle this problem is to talk things out and what are some of the things that cause the problem. If you have ope n communication with each other then the person can do less of what is causing the jealousy.
Deardebra : It helps when the other person understands these emotions. If the person can understand the reasons for the jealosuy then they can start by not doing the things that causes the jealousy. It helps for the person to make sure the person that is jealous can be understood.
Deardebra : Once you get to the root of the problem then you both can work on handleing the problem. It takes time because certain things will trigger jealousy.
Deardebra : When solving the problem you want to say I am jealous because and the reason why. If the person knows how you feel they can reassure you that their is no need to be jealosu because they are in love with you.
Deardebra : It helps to talk things out so you can find a solution.
Deardebra : It will take some time to fix these jealous feelings but you want to talk things out and with communication I feel you will be able to undersatnd your feelings better and make adjustments on finding a solution.
Deardebra : I want you to know that it is ok to have these feelings it is just a matter of undersatnding them.
Customer:

It is consuming me,, I am not able to keep friendships or a healthy relationship,,I have a bf ,,3months,I am jealous of women that he has been with that i dont even know,,My heart is broken ,,I hate turning this kind of pain inward,,all the counseling in the world hasnt helped me,,,This may be hard to understand ,,,I feel like all his experiences that he has had with others,& not me means that there is nothing left for me,,,Its like I am too late to be reated nice ,I want to be treated special,,unlike any of the others,,,please help

Deardebra :

I want you to look at things a little different

Deardebra :

You mentioned about his experiences with others and you feelings like your too late.

Deardebra :

When you are in love with someone ally hose experience are new because they mean more.

Deardebra :

*When you are in love with someone all those experiences are new because they mean more.

Deardebra :

What ever he has experienced before doesn't mean the same as when he was with someone else.

Deardebra :

Let me explain things this way when you are in love with someone the past does not matter to that person because all these experiences are new too them. You can take a walk on the beach with someone that is a friend, but when you take a walk on the beach with someone you love everything seems new. There are things you don't even notice that you notice now that you are in love. It is like looking at the ocean a whole new way. When someone is in love they look at things in a whole new way.

Deardebra :

Your jealousy I understand that is is consuming you and you are not able to focus on your relationship.

Deardebra :

I am sure all your thoughts are not on the relationship but the relationship he has had in the past, but I really want you to try and understand that is the past and he is with you and is in love with you and you both will be making new memories and new experiences together, but you have to focus on each other and not others from his past.

Deardebra :

I also want you to look at where the jealousy comes from, a lot of times you can figure things out from childhood.

Deardebra :

This type of behavior could be linked to something in childhood.

Deardebra :

I also want you to begin to think differently. You want to feel and be that confident person where you do not need to be tat jealous person because you are center of attention.

Deardebra :

You want to be that person that is no longer jealous so that you can have friendships and healthy relationships the first step is knowing their is a problem. You already know that it is causing a problem in your life, but now you have to stop yourself. When you begin to feel jealous you need to talk about why you are with the person you are jealous with.

Deardebra :

You want to be able to explain your emotions and I feel if the other person explained why not to be jealous it would help you not be jealous.

Deardebra :

Also you do not want to talk about the past when you are in a new relationship. That person has moved on from their ex and you are the new person in their life,they do not want to be remind of the past, they left the past behind.

Deardebra :

They want to start over with someone new that they love and adore.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I dont know how to do this,,I have huge abandonment issues,,and often feel unworthy of being cared for or even loved

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I have struggled with this all my life,,my bf cant even look at a girl, or talk about his past without me getting upset,,I dont like being this way,,

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I have seen that you have rated me bad service. I am here to help you and answer all your questions. I want to work with you to solve this problem that you are experiencing. The first place I want to start is often when these issues arise you have to look and go back to your childhood. A lot of issues stem back to when you were little and events that have happened. You mentioned about having an abandonment issues and often feel unworthy of being cared or even loved. Now this comes from something that has happen in your life. These are issues that you need to look at why you feel this way in order to fix these problems, you need to understand why you feel like you have these issues. You need to know that you are worth it and someone should love you because of who you are. You should never feel like this, but you do and it is because of something that has happened too you in the past. It has knocked down your self-confidence. You need to solve this issue and leave it in the past. It is going to take time to heal from these issues but you can begin to work and solve what is the issue that is causing these problems. Th reason why you get upset about your bf looking at another girl is you love him and do not want to lose him. You are scared that he is going to leave and find someone else. These are your emotions and these are emotions you are not able to control because you haven't solved the deep issue. I want to help you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


not sure where to start,,I am a only child,,I have never met or seed my father,,i am 50 years old,,My mother didnt want me or care what happens to me ,,she had a bf,who had 3kids,all older , they were physicaly and mentally abusive,,knowing this mother did nothing,, i often watched them at christmas and othern times opening gifts,,,I was a very sad and angry girl,,I do not know what else to say,,, I feel like i dont belong,,one bad guy after another,,lost friendships due jealousy also.. i trust no one

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
There is a time in your life where you have to begin to trust. You have a boyfriend that you have been with for 3 months now and you need to open up and give him a chance. I know it is hard to trust to feel like you can fully put your heart out there to love and to be loved when all you have know is hurt and anger. You never met your dad and your mom boyfriend had 3 children that were not nice to you at all. This is very hard to grow up in this type of environment and wonder why you had to live this life. But now is the time to let go of the past and heal. You now have a person you love and I want you to focus on that and also the things that make you happy, those things that you find comfort in. I understand why you do not trust people, but there are people out there that you can trust, but you have to let them in. The reason for your jealousy is because you do not want to lose anymore in your life. When you have a good friend or a good boyfriend you get afraid that the person will leave and you will feel abandoned again. But you also don't feel good about yourself so you have to watch ruining relationships because you feel you do not deserve them. I want you to know that what you experienced in the past is not what you are going to experience now, you need to begin to live a happy life, your time is now. If you work through how you feel you will be able to have healthy relationships. You know what the problems are and they come from your childhood. Now it is time for you to take the steps to heal.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for answering me....One thing i didnt mention was that.all my yrelationships have been really abusive in mentaly & physicaly....i was withy ex bf for.two years.... He never would would take me anywhere.ever....i was tIo ugly to be seen with....he wluld aleays hit me ,in front of everyone... My need for attention is high& i am constantly waiting for my current bf toleave orhit me..& he is not the type to do that he is patient & seems.to care i guess. I am always doubting him & pouting when he ignores me or it seems to be that he is

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
You have been through a lot in your life and having an ex that was mean too you. I know that it must have been very hard to get out of that abusive relationship. But I don't want you ever to think that you were to ugly to take out that is just part of the abuse. An abusive man will put you down so you do not feel good about yourself because they want to remain in control. They do not want you to leave so they make you helpless and weak. Now you seemed to have found a nice man that is kind and patient. So you need a lot of attention you mentioned. That is ok, you just are enjoying your new relationship. I want you to start in this relationship fresh. He chose you to have a relationship with and he cares and loves you. You want to be open to how he feels and be understanding to his feelings and he will in return to the same for you. I want you to enjoy this relationship get to know each other and do not bring the past into this relationship because I feel you have someone that is perfect for you because you need someone patient that will understand you. Please accept my answer.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am scared that ,he is becoming more distant and that i have failed again,, I was recently seeing someone who said that my sole purpose on this earth is to know what its like to not be loved,,and I will not have this beautiful man if i dont change something,, I live in fear that he will leave

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
You can not live in fear that he will leave because they will cause you not to open up and let him in to your heart. You are so worried he is going to leave you that you are not focusing on that he loves and cares for you. That is why he is with you. People fall in love everyday and it is always that one person that grabs their heart. They know that they want to spend the rest of their life with that person through all the ups and downs. You nee to trust that he loves you and is here to stay. He sees something in you that he wants to get to know, he wants to be with you, share his life with you, that is why he is here. So I want you to stop worry and enjoy the relationship you are in. If you could re rate my service I would be grateful. Right now it says bad and I really wan to continue to help you get through this. I understand what you are going through and I feel we can fix this problem.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

What can i do....& i do think u can help me...& i need the help deslerately

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I want you to really think about who you are as a person. I want you to really search and think about who you are and nother think about the past experiences. If you were to describe yourself to someone what would you say. You need to think about you and the life you want yo live. You want to be yourself so your boyfriend can see the good qualities you have as a person.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Is there any books you would recomend for me

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
"The courage to be yourself" by Sue Patton Thoele
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

what else is there,, we got into a argument today,, a picture of his ex fell out of the glove boxas he was opening it and I became distant and withdrawn,,and i hate myself for being the way i am

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
You got into an argument over a picture that fell out of his glove box. I do not blame you fro being upset. I feel that most people would react in either angry or hurt if they saw an old picture of an ex. I feel how you acted was normal. But I still want you to look at he is with you, all his past relationships are over. It would help if he could understand how you felt. If an ex picture fell out of your glove box how would he feel? This is how I want you to handle things by using examples so he can understand how you feel.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

heasked me if i want it burned,,and of course i said no,,,I have thrown this in his face I am comparing myself,,and ran myself down ,,,,I have no friends because I cant stand the thought of him looking or talking to anyone,,or a girl talking to him,,it is sick and i hate feeling so hateful,,,it really is killing me inside & my worst fear of being left could come true

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I want you to talk with him about it and how you feel so he knows. This way he can help you and reassure you that their is no one else but you in his life.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have tried,,je can be very understanding most of the time,,,I do not express myself very well,,,he acts or I snould say I perceive it as though he just dont care..,i am too sensitive and I wish I was hard and didnt .............please help me.....Im causing what i was afraid of ....Im saying hurtful things...& yelling...at myboy friend...,& he is to the point of leaving.....& i dont know what to do.... I self sabatage everything

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Please help me.....My emotions are out of contr...I just got into a argument...& I am creating what i fear the most....I am afraid i have lost him for good...& i dont know what to do......i ruin everything ..that could make me happy......i dont know how to explain myself

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions