How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Long story short: I love and adore my boyfriend. He is my best

This answer was rated:

Long story short: I love and adore my boyfriend. He is my best friend. He treats me wonderfully and is a great influence on my 8 year old son. (My Ex is an unemployed drunk). Those two have a lot of fun together - Mark is teaching him how to draw and they build super Lego cars. Mark is a great guy.
Problem: Suddenly I don't want him to touch me. I cringe when he wants to kiss and I think of every possible excuse to avoid any intimacy. What is wrong with me? I love him.

Deardebra : This can happen in a relationship and their usually is a hidden reason that is causing the problem.
Deardebra : You said he is your best friend which great when it cones to a relationship because you love spending time together. You probably can talk openly about many things. But this is something you need to work out because telling him this will alter the relationship so we are going to find the solution so you can rekindle how you once felt about him.

How can I determine the problem?

Deardebra :

What I want you to look at is when did it start?

Deardebra :

I also want you to think if something happened in your relationship that altered your feelings for him. This can happen, one event in life can change feelings for someone.

Deardebra :

Some times in relationship people say or do something and it can change a relationship. This is why you need to get to the deep root of the problem and figure out when things changed for you.

Deardebra :

This connection you once had can come back and what I want you to plan is that very first date that you had when you feel in love with each other.

Deardebra :

This will help rekindle what you feel you have lost. It will jog your memory to remind you why you feel in love with him.


You hit the nail on the head - the problem happened in the middle of our relationship, which I thought was great, dumps me coldly. He refused to speak to me. I was completely devastated, and of course after calling a million times, I went to his home. His car was there. He would not answer the door. I was so humiliated. I didn't know what I had done, but I had to have done something, right? So, I spend a great amount of money with Edible Arrangements. I ordered white and milk covered strawberries and bananas and one bigger arrangement with every fruit imaginable. It was hand-delivered to him at his office. The most embarrassing part was that I had them attach a Mylar balloon that said "I'm Sorry". I never hear a word from him. I was defeated. After sulking for a month, I met a very handsome man who really liked me. I was so flattered. We even spent Christmas together, because I don't have family. I could have cared less about Mark. By January, handsome guy and I just don't work out. Them came February - and a phone call from Mark. I didn't even recognize his voice. Slowly, we began speaking again, after he apologized profusely. He said he was scared of the commitment because he had only loved one other woman and she lied, cheated and stole money. I have a soft heart and took him back. I love him and he says he loves me, but I keep waiting for him to dump me again. But, I found out that other men were interested in me. What do you think?

Deardebra : That was a difficult time for you and I understand why you are stand offish right now when it comes to your relationship. You are still hurt and dealing with these emotuions from him leaving. You never want to go through that again and you are just waiting for him to think you did soemthing wrong and leave again. But people change and emotions can be very intense when you fall in love. Instead of him dealing with these feelings of love he walked away because he was so
Deardebra : scared of getting hurt by you, but he should have trusted and took the risk in love instead of leaving. Now you live in fear that this is going to happen again.
Deardebra : You need to talk too him about how you feel, you do not have to mention the past about that your feelings have changed. I want you both to talk baout how you felt when he left. I also think you are dealing with the what if when it comes to the other guy. You might be second guessing your decision. You are wondering what life would have been like if you never went back.
Deardebra : Hurt can be so deep when it comes to a break up and still be there when you get back together and the reason is because it never got resolved and you are worried he will do it again, so you never really fully let your guard down when it comes to loving him. You are still protecting yourself and preparing for him to leave and this is why you are having trouble with your feelings for him. If you let him fully in your heart you are worried that he will just walk away and do the same thing again. But if you truly love this man then you need to let him in and get comfortable with this relationship. I feel what his issues were he worked out, he is not going anywhere now because he told you how he felt. He was just scared and I feel he is no longer afraid he is in this relationship with you.
Deardebra : And he is not leaving.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

You're right - he's not going anywhere. He just fully let me in his heart. I'm actually disgusted when he kisses me. I will not have sex with him. I want to know what God's plan is for my life!

I feel that you need to talk things out and tell him how you feel. I feel part of it was being heart broken and trying so hard to get him back that once you got him back you were still very upset and never fully healed or dealt with the break up because you were only thinking about getting him back. You both need to talk because I feel you both will be able to move forward if you talk about how you felt and how you feel now.

Related Relationship Questions