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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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This is the deal: I am 48 and divorced. Met a man on an

Customer Question

This is the deal:

I am 48 and divorced. Met a man on an online dating site. We chatted on the phone for several days and then he didn’t text me for a couple of days. When he finally texted back, it was to tell me his ex girlfriend was back in the picture. We agreed to stay friends and continued chatting. The more we chatted the more we discovered that we liked each other and had tons in common. He is even living in a house my dad lived in when I was a kid. He talked about everything he was not getting out of the current relationship and needs that weren’t being met and was upset with the fact that his girlfriend continued a relationship with her ex. We decided to go ahead and meet to see if there was an attraction physically as well. Well, there was. We saw each other a few more times, began talking about future plans, even as far as who would move where (we live an hour and a half apart). All pending him telling his girlfriend that things weren’t working out. We discussed our future together at great lengths. Well, he can’t(won’t) tell his girlfriend. I think he is trying to wait until she breaks up with him, but botXXXXX XXXXXne he hasn’t done it. The last conversation was that he needs more time to see where that relationship is headed but that “we” are not over. I told him not to call or text me until that has happened. It’s killing me not talking to him (we talked and texted all day, every day). Should I maintain a “Friendship only” type of relationship, so that he is reminded of me? Or what? I truly believe this man is “the one” but I don’t know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this at present. He seems to be not committing and he seems okay about keeping you waiting until he decides what to do. It feels as though you are struggling with this and having to wait with little or no contact from him - this feels hard for you and you would need to decide if you can really settle for being friends with him. You clearly have much stronger feelings than just friendship and this will make it so much harder for you, especially if he decides he wants to pursue a relationship with his ex. I totally appreciate how hard it must be for you to be kept waiting and hence perhaps you need to decide whether he needs an ultimatum - decide by a certain time frame or let you go. It feels very unfair of him to keep you waiting and perhaps due to his own issues surrounding trust and betrayal, he's holding onto the both of you. You deserve to be told straight out but it feels more like he's waiting to see what feels right for him with little concern about the impact on you. I hear that you feel this man is 'the one', then he needs to make a decision whether he tries and pursues a relationship with you or not. By maintaining a friendship type of relationship, he will receive mixed messages - that you're willing to wait until whenever he's ready to decide (and with little certainly about when he makes this decision).

Another way of considering it is by suggesting a friendship type of relationship but that he has to be kept at arms length so that he doesn't end up hurting you in the process (your feelings for him are growing stronger by the day - this could leave you very hurt if things don't work out the way you hope). Playing the 'friendship' role when feelings are so strong could lead to more hurt for you, so I would suggest this only if you can remain boundaried with him. Be careful in what you decide and always take care of you first.

I really do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It's hard to underdstand why he would stay with her when he doesn't see it as a long term relationship, he says that he just needs to discuss things with her, she as lied to him on more than one occasion about the fact that she saw her ex when he was out of town. Why would he want to continue that?? I really think that I am not being naive, he has strong feelings for me, but I think when she is right in front of him, he can't let her down. With me, it's mainly on the phone. Do you think it's okay to maintain phone contact or should I back off completely, as hard as that is to think about...

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
It seems very strange that he would want to return to level of uncertainty and lack of trust, he may feel more familiar with her, attached to her (after all, it wasn't his decision but hers to terminate things the way she did). Hence, his ending with her seems like unfinished business (not his choice).

If you maintain phone contact what is it you would want from him? Would it make things more awkward or would you feel a sense of reassurance?

If you back off completely, you may feel like you run risk of him not keeping you in his mind, but if this really is true love/strong connections then it will survive this - have faith and more importantly, believe in yourself.

You could try phone contact only and keep to your boundaries, try not to engage in anything too deep / intimate with him and give him a chance to prove his intentions to you, but it is important that you are certain he is not stringing you along. My best to you, only you can decide what it your next move but whatever you decide I'm sure you will have thought it through, I don't believe that you're naive - just someone who is caught up in this triangle, so decide carefully and good luck.

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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for rating my service and for the bonus, it is very appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question but make sure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Best wishes,
Karin :)

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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Counselor
299 Satisfied Customers
with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues