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DrPsychologist
DrPsychologist, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  I am a licensed psychologist with over 10 years of experience in providing mental health psychotherapy.
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I have been sleeping with my boyfriend, but havent got my

Customer Question

I have been sleeping with my boyfriend, but haven't got my period. I'm freaking out about it. He thinks we should "take chances" and will support me no matter what. I have been very stressed lately as financially things have been. bad. I tried to take a pregnancy test but freak out before I do it. I have had bad cramping just like I do when I have my period. What to do? I'm scared
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.

Of course you're scared, but 'scared' doesn't accomplish much does it?

You MUST take the pregnancy test. Knowing is important. Taking the test won't alter your condition, it will just inform you so you can make the best decision for yourself.

----------
If it's positive you will have difficult choices to make and a future to plan - the sooner you know, the better you will be able to prepare

If it's negative you will have another difficult choice to make. Whether or not to stay with someone who thinks bringing a child into this world should be left up to chance, or moving on with your life in a different direction.

This is your wake up call

Also, if it's negative, YOU need to make choices that are right for YOU and your body. Until men start having to support a pregnancy in their body for nearly a year, they shouldn't have any controlling voice in how to play it fast and loose with your body, your life or the life of a child.

At the very least you need to find a method of birth control, even if it's firmly saying "no!" that puts you back in charge of yourself

-----------

If this relationship is to continue, I suggest you do whatever you have to do in order to get him to join you in couple's counseling.

Here you will have a moderator guiding the both of you in better ways of communicating, supporting each other, respecting each other and compromising.

Most churches and synagogues now require a month of couple's counseling before they'll perform a wedding ceremony. It really works.

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No matter what though, I will stand by you through this ok?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks. but I prefer not to go to a church and have someone push their religious beliefs onto me. And that abortion etc is wrong. I'm atheist
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.

What church? I don't believe in organized religions either. I would NEVER recommend a church for that.

Counselors at a church or synagogue offer services to all faiths, including no faiths, agnostics, atheists, etc.. Most will not make it a religious event. A counselor is a counselor.

If you're uncomfortable with finding help with a counselor in that venue, then try any mental health facility. Not for 'mental health' but for their list of counselors

Or your insurance plan if you have one.

I only recommended those outlets as a starting place. Don't let my being a minister fool you. I run an animal care ministry. Ministry as in meeting the needs of abandoned, abused and neglected or hurt animals that need loving hands to rehab them and get them trusting again so they can end up in forever homes.

I also do human counseling, but not to propagate any religion. To propagate honesty, ethics and a return to living with the strength of our character.

Here I am trying to support you and let you know you're not alone. You are strong, you are capable and you will handle whatever comes your way because that's what you need to do.

I am sorry for any misunderstanding

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
That makes me feel better. I worry I'll never make a decision if I want a kid or not. It seems women regret no matter what they choose
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

What I've seen in my lengthy career of counseling is that IF a woman is pregnant and either has a miscarriage or an abortion, she's likely to continue experiencing confusing and contradictory effects of from her pregnancy-altered hormones for the duration of the pregnancy. And THAT affects how she thinks&feels (they're ALWAYS inextricably linked, can't think w/o feeling & usually also can't feel w/o having feeling-colored thoughts). And IF she's able to remember some vivid thought/feelings from that period, she will be capable of regret AND able to apply rational counterargumentsto those regrets (including those colored by the relief & excitement/pride&joy attached to what she has done INSTEAD of raising or giving up a child at that time) for many years, depending on how often she chooses--or is accidentally reminded--to remember.

 

And I agree with everything Rev.Dr. has written, minus the apparently negative judgment about your partner. Youngish men are usually so unaware of themselves and their emotions & effects on their GF that they don't realize what their doing and its potential future effects. I think you can assert yourself for a more responsible approach to birth control, without going to a counselor--unless you haven't developed that assertiveness in your romantic relationships yet. In that case YES, go to counseling alone or with him, or talk to an older woman who is more assertive in love relationships than you are. The differences in young people's assertiveness are very impactful in romantic relationships(men naively doing&saying what their emotional-thinking tells them vs women naively being submissive to please and avoid disappointing anybody whose love they live on like emotional food) and it does take considerable training and experience for them to develop awareness they don't yet have.

 

I would also add, that I wouldn't want you to choose life-long coparentship with your boyfriend on the basis of an accident, because the quality & quantity of that coparentship ALSO has an unavoidable effect on the child if there is one, unless you marry somebody else within a year, and make sure the biological father can have nothing but a beneficial effect--and that's not entirely in your power. A lot of young people put their first supposedly enduring partnership at severe risk by committing to it before a year of premarital testing has passed. And it can take as long as a year for the most difficult-to-live-with differences and problems arise in a love relationship. And if you keep escalating the highly emotional stages of your relationship (such as getting engaged, coping with parental disapproval--aka Romeo&Juliet-Effect, pregnancy, childbirth, getting deployed to Afghanistan, etc.) you'll never get a chance to discover what's likely to present very difficult problems between you as your years together mount up. In fact the most likely times for divorce in cultures world-wide that permit divorce without huge struggles are YEARS 2, 3 and 4 since the beginning of the romantic relationship, because the biologically-induced PASSION simmers down by year 3, and interpersonal structures for managing differences and conflicts have not been developed, because nobody wants to worry about them when the LOVE IS SO GREAT.

 

I'm taking responsibility for an admittedly biased advice to you (using "I wouldn't want") because I realize that abortion vs accidental birth is a very emotionally charged topic for anybody who's ever had a close brush with those issues. Both the RevDr and I (Dr.LicMarriage&FamTherapist) are preaching to you, because the issue matters a lot to us (tho I'm presuming knowledge of her that I don't have--so I apologize for that). That also implies that you'll get strongly emotion-colored responses from almost everyone you talk to, even if a counselor is trying to appear completely neutral. In fact, I don't think complete neutrality is morally defensible for a licensed counselor, because one must consider the lifelong issues that are statistically likely for the unborn child, even though lots of church-related counselors may ignore them when they counsel that abortion is a sin and a crime.

 

Since you're an atheist, you might have your own bruises from religious influences in your family of origin or your present life.

 

I hope my imbedding of abortion-regrets in the physiological context of a woman's bodily experience helps you to perceive your emotion-colored thoughts ALSO from a more "objective" (that is, NOT just immersed in the colored-fluid of emotions) standpoint. Feel free to respond to either me or RevDrAbbot, and it's your choice only who you decide to pay when you release your deposit. Perhaps making that choice will exercise your courage muscles (French for "heart-stuff") for disappointing another person because you choose one path and not another. Life is full of such choices, and dodging them because you don't like the guilty feelings that you have when you consider choosing only postpones the time in your life when you're strong enough to stop hoping to please everybody.

 

Sorry I preach so much. But I've had 40 yrs experience in therapy, and I'd rather pour more into your teachable moment if you're mentioning it at all. I'm keeping track of what I've learned when I write this way, because it matters to me, but it's none of my business to insist it should matter to you--except as a fulfillment of the Hippocratic Oath (First Do no Harm) extended into expressing concern and forewarning about potential future harm as the responsibility that goes with the expanded knowledge involved in both individual and marriage & family therapy.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks but being a member of a long term forum it seems people either regret not having kids or regret not having more. Plus there's always pressure eg The media loves blaming women for leaving it too late, no matter what. I'd prefer not to breakup with my boyfriend, everyone else has been an asshole.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The problem is I've tried counseling and didn't find it very helpful. I'm in-between jobs at the moment and there was no option for a payment plan for this
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Can I please have a female expert? I had requested a female and this didn't happen
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'd really like a female expert for this question please
Expert:  Doctor E replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  DrPsychologist replied 1 year ago.
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I am a licensed psychologist with over 10 years of experience in providing mental health psychotherapy.