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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My boyfriend and I have had ups and downs and recently we have

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have had ups and downs and recently we have been more settled and talking about getting engaged after 7.5 years of dating. I stupidly told him I wanted an expensive ring because it would mean a lot to me and he got really offended. He said he couldn't understand what kind of girl I was to make such a request and wanted to hang up. I begged and pleaded and was clingy for about 2 hours which made him even more angry because it went past his bedtime and he had work early the next morning. He said he couldn't deal with the idea of co-existing with me if I'm like this and doesn't want to speak to me any,Orr. I called him today and he said he really doesn't know if he could continue with the relationship. What have I done., and what can I do to salvage the situation.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.

jenhelant :

Hi I am sorry what has happened. Has anything like this ever happen before?

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : Not about an engagement ring. But previous times when we quarreled, I'm always the one making a senseless remark, which at that time meant a lot to me
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : I'm not really sure what's wrong with me
jenhelant :

was it about material items such as this or just various things?

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : Just various things
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : rightthings right before this we argued because I felt he didn't want to get married and was stringing me along
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : He says it isn't the ring that he was angry about but my behavior following the fight that made him feel that it might be difficult to coexist with me
jenhelant :

When did this incident occur and what are your reasons for saying you wanted an expensive ring? Why do you think he was stringing you along? I am asking all of this in order for me to better help you.

jenhelant :

What was that behavior afterwards?

jenhelant :

Are you both not living together?

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : wellJewell we have been together for 7.5 years and we have always known that we wanted to get married but I never was sure when. If I asked him more about it he would get angry at me for "pushing him"
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : this fight happened last night
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : we don't stay together because we come from conservative families but we had stayed together before when we were both students abroad
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : iabroad I wanted an expensive ring because I had already bought and given him an engagement gift
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : thatgift that cost a lot and I just felt that he should be spending more on me because I'm the girl in the rship
jenhelant :

I understand. It seems like there are various things going on here and more to it than the ring. He may be afraid of making the commitment, so is making a bigger issue out of this than it should be. This could have also been the " straw that broke the camels back" so to speak. We all say the wrong thing from time to time some more than others. The fact is none of us are perfect and we all have our negatives. He should know by now that you do this, but he may not know how to deal with it. A good way for you to go about this is to admit to him that you are aware that you do this sometimes and are not happy as well with it. Let him know that you want to work on this in order to prevent future issues.

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : My behavior after that was that he wanted to hang up and cool off but I begged and pleaded and refused to let him off and called him multiple times after he hung up
jenhelant :

From there I would try to take your time before saying something. It may take some active work on your part, but this can be done.

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : iups have said all of that to him, but he says that he can't do it anymore because I keep reverting to my same o,d habits
jenhelant :

This is for that, but as far as the rest of the issues go

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : i don't know what I can do now because he refuses to speak to me and I can't apologize anymore
jenhelant :

I would give him some time. I truly doubt that he is serious about this. People say various things in the heat of the moment and sometimes are just under stress.

jenhelant :

He was tired and it was past his bedtime so that did not help it.

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : it feels like he hates me and doesn't even want to be engaged anymore and I've completely ruined it
jenhelant :

I think he spoke out of being stressed out and not by his true feelings.

jenhelant :

I would wait a little and give him a little time to cool of and get his thoughts and feelings together.

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : I feel really horrible about myself. Do you think I should wait until he's all settled out before he calls me. Or should I give him a deadline before I call him on my own.
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : we are going to Japan next Saturday and I'm not even sure if he wants to go anymore
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : in fact I think he would have proposed there but now I've ruined it
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : imitem such a terrible person for being do materialistic and superficial and I hate myself for it
JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : apartits part from apologizing and letting him cool off is there anything else I should do.
jenhelant :

It is really hard to change a habit and it does take time. Don't put yourself down because that will just make things worse. Think positive and have confidence in yourself that you can change this issue. In the beginning it will take a lot of active work on your part, but in time it will come naturally just don't beat yourself up if you fail. When we are trying to change and better ourselves with anything or in general we will all fail, but the ones who succeed are the ones that get right back up and keep going. Please don't say you hate yourself. When he does come back you want him to see you in a better place and not in a depressed worse state. That will not help yourself nor your relationship. I think the best thing you can do in order to save the relationship is

jenhelant :

Write him a letter. This way you can explain everything exactly how you want it and perfect it beforehand. He will also have time to digest it all before reacting and making a hasty decision. Explain why you said that about the ring and let him know that by now he knows the type of person you are and you are not materialistic. Explain how you want to change and are going to do that, but would like his support. Let him know that a relationship is about team work and you want to be there for him as well. Let him know that no one is perfect and we all have our faults. If you all are not dealing with one another issues than you would be dealing with someone else's. Everyone has issues, but it is up to the couple to work together and not against each other

jenhelant :

He does not hate you

jenhelant :

Let him know that you would like to show him change through action and not just talk

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : what kind of actions? He doesn't even want to see me
jenhelant :

If he truly loves you he will be back. It could not be messed up for that one conversation. You both have been together a long time and that was not by chance

jenhelant :

In the letter you will be requesting to have the opportunity for you to show him through actions. This is

jenhelant :

Because if he is not believing you any longer your words may not affect him as much but

jenhelant :

If he sees you are wanting to show him more than tell him that may get his attention

jenhelant :

Contacting him and being clingy in this situation will be counterproductive. This is why a letter is best and be sure to

jenhelant :

Tell him in the letter that you will not continue contacting him not because you do not care, but because you are wanting to give him space to contact you if and when he is willing. By saying this he will see that

jenhelant :

You are not being clingy and the ball is in his court. See right now he is not in a hurry to contact you because he thinks you will be contacting him. However, when he sees you are actually giving him space and will wait for him that will take him by surprise. This could have him thinking that he could actually lose you and you will not always be there at a drop of a dime. He will also see that you truly want to prove your change and you are already starting by making the first step by being honest, giving him space, and showing him all this by the action of your letter.

JACUSTOMER-oqpsurod- : What shouldi do while waiting for him to come back? I'm too anxious to do anything and all I can do is worry about him.
jenhelant :

The best thing to do is to

jenhelant :

To keep busy and stay active. It will not completely take away your feelings, but it will help to cope with the, during this phase. Also, rather than concentrating on worry or anxiety focus on how you could make the relationship better when he does come back. Spend your energy on that rather than worry because all worry does is hurt the worrier. It will not make the relationship any better or change the outcome. In fact it can hurt the worrier and even the outcome since it can clog our thinking and prevent us from moving forward.

jenhelant :

Also Try healthy activities and some things you may have been wanting to do that you haven't had time for.

jenhelant :

when a negative thought comes into play replace it with a positive.

jenhelant :

Remember for every bad day a good day will come. Try to spend this time to the best of your ability, so you can take advantage of this free time. You can refresh yourself and regroup in order to help yourself rather than being yourself down.

jenhelant :

*bring

jenhelant :

Also, in the letter

jenhelant :

Explain why you begged and pleaded because it was important to you to work things out before going to bed, but you apologize for not respecting the fact he needed to sleep.

jenhelant :

This will show him that you are seeing things differently and it is possible to work this out.

jenhelant :

I do wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help

jenhelant :

Even after rating me feel free to follow up with me anytime right here on this thread.

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