Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart. I'd say You've got good reason to be worried. But the most likely problem in my estimation is that she's on a really bumpy road with her exhusband--they might be trying to get back together, or she's really upset about what's happening and she can't face dealing with you as well as dealing with him.
The computer system wiped out what I wrote, so I start over again. You have good reason to be worried, and to be hurting inside too. Getting involved before a divorce is completed -- or even just being the first new relationship for her after she and her husband broke up can be a big risk. Because what's going on between her and her ex often has a much bigger emotional effect on her than what goes on with you. She could indeed be trying to get back together with the father of her child, or going through some very painful ups and downs due to the many levels of issues that come up during a divorce (for longer than we expect) -=- and she wouldn't want you to know about either possibility, because she may want to keep you waiting for her, in case she does still want you after her problems are over, or just needs your interest in her as a support for her in her rough times.
You have waited over 2 months and suffered several disappointments, so you have every reason to be bewildered and hurt. She may be ashamed to admit to you what's going on with her, because she knows you have every reason to be upset.
When you are the first new love to follow her marriage, usually she has instinctively chosen you because she senses you're more into her than she can let herself be into you--since she's really NOT READY YET to love and commit as much as you are.
You can't keep yourself from being rejected, whether you stick your neck out or not. She may still want you to wait until she gets more stable, or just be too embarrassed to admit that she's not ready to love ANYBODY else yet (whether she's hooked up with somebody new or not). I think you've waited patiently long enough to send her a short email of your own, in order to find out where she's at. It could say:
"Do you still want me to wait for you? Are you ready to tell me what's happening with you? Are you having any problems or feelings with your ex? I don't deserve to be kept in the dark. If it's really just big problems with your job, then tell me enough about them so I can believe you. I've given you a lot of myself, so give me some answers."
Of course you'll use your own words if you want to force a reasonably convincing response from her. IT'S a LOT BETTER to get DUMPED than to get DANGLED on the wrong end of a yo-yo like you are now. From what you've written, you've done nothing wrong yourself. Except perhaps to be more accepting and patient with her than is good for you.
As long as she can say Yes, No or Nothing and you wait, she has too much power and you have too little. Love and Power are opposites, but they need to be in balance for the relationship to work for both of you. So if you insist that she reveal enough to you so YOU can make up YOUR OWN MIND about whether you want to just wait for a sign from her or YOU want to DUMP HER.
Please ask anything more you want to ask. I'll respond tomorrow, probably in late morning or early evening.
first of all Dr. Brown, I thank you for your response. You pointed out possibilities that I hadn't realized. I had initially only read part of you're response because it's all that was available. Only tonight did I realize that you re-submitted your full response to me. So without reading your advice I texted her yesterday because I felt there were things to be said on both our parts. I said I would like to talk to her and asked her if I call her later in the day. After a few hours she responded. I think it's just easier if I put the exact text exchange we had up here so that you can fully read it how it was sent. So here it is:
Me: Hey I was thinking a lot lately and although normally I wouldn't do this, this time I feel I should. I'd like to talk with you if that's ok. I feel like there are some things to be said on both our parts. So if you have some time later I'd like to call you. Is that ok with you?
Her: I'm sorry I have a lot on my plate right now, I can't talk nor do I feel there is anything to discuss. My priorities now are solely my career and my child. I hope you can understand that. You are a great person and I truly wish you the best.
Me: If you really think I'm a great person then you would give me a chance to talk to you. It's all I want, I don't think it's too much to ask. It won't take up much of your time at all. I feel with what we've been through together I deserve at least that. So please do me a favor and let us talk today ok ? After that, I'll leave you alone if it's what you want. You know I'll keep my word.
Her: I'm really sorry, I can't. Please respect that. I really don't want to continue this conversation. I have a lot going on personally and professionally. Thanks.
Me: Well it's funny but you think you know someone and then it turns out you don't know anything at all. I didn't think it was too much to ask to have a simple conversation with you. I wasn't going to try to convince you of anything, I simply just wanted to be heard and also to hear what you had to say. You had asked me to let my guard down in the past, and this is part of me trying to do that. You know very well how hard that is for me to do but still I'm doing it because you had asked me to.
It's ok, I've made my assumptions already and have figured that you are back with your ex. You don't have to give me the "too busy with you're career" thing. One thing I've been with you, is honest, and that's all I ever wanted in return. I'm not angry or bitter, not at all. I always figured the possibility of this thing happening. You have history with him and a great little boy together. I always knew in the back of my mind that if it ever came down to it, I would never be able to compete with that. If you know me at all, you know that all I'd ever want for you and David (her son) is the best. I'm not saying that for any other reason except because I really wish that. But Tanya, one thing I can guarantee you is that despite however you try to justify it to yourself, remember this: David ( her son) will be happy only if he sees your happy too. When he gets a little older to understand better, then you will see how right I was about that. It felt like you were happy with me but then again I can't answer that for you. Anyway I didn't want to do this through text. There really is so much more I'd like to say but I guess this is the only option I have. Like I said, absolutely no grudges on my part. If at some point you ever have a change of heart You know I will be around for you and you know where to find me. Take care of yourself and your little guy too.
Me (this morning): I really needed to get this out, sorry. I won't bother you again if you don't want me to. I just find it really important to say this to you and it will eat me inside if I don't. I hope you can at least understand that. Here goes: I stopped talking to you before because it felt like you were cutting me off. I was upset and didn't understand why you would do that. Before that we always got along great and I couldn't make sense of how you were beginning to act. I refuse to believe that you weren't at the very least a little happy when we were together. I was happy with you. I want you to know that I Love You. Ok, I know I had only said that to you once before and it was stupid of me to not have said it to you more often., I realize that now. But I refuse to just lay down and die without a fight. I have no doubt that I can make you happy. If you want no part of it then I'll have no choice but to let you go. But I needed you to know that, for my own piece of mind. So at least just believe what I just wrote because it's absolutely true. Ok that's it.
Yesterday she deleted me as her friend on facebook. I find that very hurtful because it seems very childish and cold. She is acting like someone who I don't know. and I am rarely active on facebook regardless. What is she afraid I'll see on her profile?? There have been other girls I've dated in the past who still have me as their friend on there even after we stopped seeing one another.
So anyway I feel a bit better unloading some of my feelings to her but I'm still hurting. I guess I can understand in a way if she has gone back to her ex. I know there is a lot in between and an infant to bond them together. If that's the case I wouldn't feel as betrayed as if she began dating someone new instead and cut me off because of that. I guess I have a hard time dealing with someone who told me she loved me repeatedly acting like she never felt anything for me only two months later.
What do you think from all I've given you? Is she back with her ex or someone new? If it's with her ex, do you think she'll realize quickly all the reasons she left him for in the first place? It's my experience in life that people don't really change. Do you think the possibility exists that she'll contact me again because she misses me? I just want to know better where I stand and if I should pick up my life and try to move on. I'm 32 years old and I've dated a considerable amount of women in my life. I've had many break ups before. I can move on from them but I feel that this relationship was more significant to me.
Thank you again,