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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Dr. Paige: I have been wanting to ask this of someone for

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Dr. Paige:
I have been wanting to ask this of someone for a long while and given how clearly you answered my last question, and my feeling comfortable with you, I thought I would take a chance with this one. It's something I find embarrassing but I am really confused and hope you can lend some insight. It's about this same guy (and I am still pining for him).
In the course of his and my relationship, he began sexting me. I've never done anything like that before (not phone sex, not explicit e-mails, nothing) and it was exciting, so I joined-in. Shortly after it began, though, it became very hardcore on his side...like a pornographic movie. It was all about what I would be doing to him, very little about me, and there was no intimacy to it...just hardcore sex. A lot of him you-know-whating on my face. He would always ask me if I wanted to see his penis (though he used a word I can't say), constantly sent me pictures of it, and even sent me several videos of him masturbating. He would ask me for pictures of myself, but I never did as I know that stuff never stays in one place.
At one point, he made the entire sexting session about a gang-bank between five guys and me...I was voluntarily doing all sorts of things with the five guys while he watched and somtimes participated. Admittedly, I was not comfortable with a lot of this, but due to my self esteem and abandonment issues (we don't need to talk about those) I said nothing. Don't get me wrong...parts of the whole sexting experience were exciting as I've never dated a guy who was so open with himself sexually...but much of it felt impersonal like it wasn't even about me (aka I could be anyone on the other end of the phone with him).
My question is...should any of this have been a red flag of any kind? I don't mean to sound stupid but I honestly don't know. I only recently told one girlfriend about the videos and she had a fairly negative reaction. I'm not fishing for someone to say that he's a deviant or anything like that...but I don't know if things like this can be part of a healthy relationship between two healthy, balanced people or, if the places he took the sexting might indicate that it was not my best choice to participate and perhaps he was not my best choice of someone with whom to have a relationship. I just don't know and am so confused right now. Especially since I am still pining for him after he lied to me about not seeing someone else when he really was.
I hope this makes sense and appreciate any insight or feedback you may have.
Thank you.
Hello. The sexting act in itself may or may not be a red flag, but coupled with his other behavior and lying, I would certainly be concerned. There is nothing wrong with being sexual and he probably was having fun and living through fantasies of his, which porn is. When a woman catches her man with porn, the first thing she does is take it personal and think its because she isn't pretty enough or sexual enough and the reality is, it has very little to do with that. This is a similar situation. He is living a fantasy with the videos. While this type of behavior is certainly something that two people in a monogamous, healthy relationship can enjoy together, it can also be a serious indication of a problem that he has because of the added lying of his past. So I don't know if that is a very clear answer or not, but basically I would look at all of his actions and not just the sexting in itself to determine if he is of decent character. If he has lied to you about being with someone else in the past, I would be more cautious of being with a liar than a sexter.
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