Good morning, Thank you for contacting Just Answer. My name is Ja`Ree and I am a mental health counselor. I would like to try and answer your question for you.
Ok thank you very much!
It sounds as though you are really struggling with the idea of getting married since things have seem to change between you and your boyfriend. Am I correct?
Do you still do things together that are fun? When you are not fighting what is your time like when you are together?
I was very happy that finally we are getting marry, but this whole engagement getting marry thing is more stressful than anything else. and things just changed. We have ups and downs, but this is different
we fight alot, if we are together two days in a row, we fight
May I ask what you fight about?
Now, i think he's annoyed with me. he thinks that i am always too dramatic about little things. But those little things matters to me
I did question maybe it's me. I don't know
The smallest things
Like this morning, I came home from work, all happy because I got home an hour early
But my grandma stopped by last night gave him my salad and some herbal tea in a shopping bag, he just took his herbal tea out didn't even bother to look what else is in the bag. so my salad was left in the bag all night, until this morning, i saw it in the kitchen counter when i got home from work
How long have you been living together and when is the wedding?
we only moved in since last oct
and the wedding is next year
It sounds as though you are learning the negative traits he has and it is hard for you to adjust to. Is he excited about the wedding?
he's the one who said he wants to marry me first, then it took him a long time to start even bringing up the ring shopping all those. then I felt like I was forcing him to, because it has been a year since he said he wants to marry me. It was kinda weird in between, because he was frustrated and said I wanted this and that and never thought about the money. But clearly I knew we can afford all the stuff we talked about. Then finally we got the ring, moved in together, he proposed.
Unfortunantly, the traits you are speaking of are sometimes normal for a male. This does not make them okay, however, it may help to reassure you that it has nothing to do with his loving you. Does that make sense?
but I am the only one who's organizing the wedding stuff, he would help if he ask him, but he don't do stuff actively
yeah, make sense
Again, that is a man trait. I will tell you I have seen so many couples almost break up because of trying to plan a wedding and the man is just not as involved as the woman is. After the wedding, they are both okay and the marriage is good because that pressure is off both of them.
Have the two of you sat down and talked about both of your feelings. Not fighting, but talking when you feel close to each other.
No, when we are not fighting, we are fine.
He don't like confrontation, esp. this kind of talk. It just when things happens like a fight, I just feel like I am stuck with this person for the rest of my life. This is not what I signed up for
Then that is the time for the two of you to have a heart to heart talk and share with each other what you need in the relationship and what you are willing to give to the relationship and come to a compromise so that the fighting decreases.
I wish he cares more about my feeling, be more attentive, and more caring
We do have similar kind of talk when we are trying to make up after a fight. I told him what I want, he agreed he will try. I believed him, then of course it kept happening over and over again. And he never think there's a problem
I do a lot of couples counseling and I find that 90% of problems between them is lack of good communication and that is a skill I teach them
I just feel like this is happening over and over again. This person will never change
Have you ever ask him in those times what he needs from you as well? Do you both read?
Do you think it's my problem? because he's pretty good at "you are too dramatic, you are this and you are that. There's no problem"
read a book?
I always want to read, but got busy with work and school, reading a book as a leisure is always at the bottom of the list
He don't think that I am supportive of him
He said in the last fight saying that i am always un-supportive of him
The communication I am talking about is not using the words with each other that make you feel attacked, it is learning to use the I feel words along with other skills you both can learn. There are so many differences between men and women that causes problems and without being able to communicate properly it causes serious problems in the relationship.
There is a book I recommend to couples to help them understand each other and how to deal with the differences to increase the quality of the relationship. It is called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
yeah heard about it
I have the couple both read a chapter a week, her highlight in pink and him highlight in yellow the things that are true for each of them. then I have her read his highlights and him read hers and then make a date for the weekend to set and talk about these things.
Have the two of you thought about getting some couples counseling
oh I see
I thought about it
It is something I would highly recommend. It sounds as though you love each other very much, however, the differences between you is clouding that knowledge. Do you think he would go with you
I am basically very disappointed at everything and just don't think this will change.
that's why I never bring it up, because he would think that is a silly idea
He might, and then he might agree to it. Before you just give up on the relationship would you agree to go for counseling by yourself to assist you to work through all the issues to be sure that you do not make a mistake? It sounds as though you are in a lot of pain and could use a professional to assist you with figuring things out. Then maybe he could join you in the sessions for both of you to learn how to communicate your needs and desires in a way that leads to a better quality of relationship and not a breakup. What do you think?
I think that sounds good. I am very miserable
I have to admit that I am stubborn but I just hate to let things go when it's not solved, because that's how it leads to bigger problem, and more unhappiness. But he's the kinda tend to let things go and pretend nothing happens
Again, that is one of the differences between men and women. :-) I really would like for you to try the counseling before you give up on what I think could be a wonderful relationship if you both had the skills you need to make it that way. There must be something really good there since it has lasted as long as it has. :-)
Ok, thank you very much for your advice!
Is there anything else I can help you with?
no, that's all, thanks
May I check back in with you in a couple of weeks to see how it is going? Please remember to rate my answers to allow me to provide the best service I can to our customers. Thank you again for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree
ok thanks, XXXXX XXXXX good day!