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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I was introduced to a guy"lodger" who was a mutual friend of

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I was introduced to a guy"lodger" who was a mutual friend of a work colleague and her husband.I do not think I was a set up with me as he was 14 yrs younger than me. We met at the mutual friends place with 3 other work colleagues before moving on to a birthday party of another work colleague at a function room at a pub.The guy was introduced to me as their temporary lodger.
After sociallizing for approx an hour we decided to start making tracks to the party. The mutual friends husband encouraged lodger to come along.
Whilst walking behind me the lodger nugded my ankle with his foot. Then he dissapeared ,went around the corner store to get some ciggies.So he ended up lagging in the line.I waited for him.
He walked with me to the pub.
At the party he he socialized with the work colleagues husband.
At the end of the party a bit intoxicated he sat on my lap and said "I want a woman for love not money"
Then pulled his trouser up and wanted me to play with his leg.So I playfully massaged it.
One of the other female work colleagues purposelly spilt water from her glass on his leg.When he asked her why she said she did it to cool him down.
At the end of the party the husband and lodger went home.I went out to a niteclub with the others for a dance.
I got the impression I would see the lodger at some time on another occassion.
A few days later i was having coffee with the birthday guy(gay) from the party.He mentioned that a group of them met up at the pub the next night and that he was flirting with him and lodger didn't know how to take him.i found this quite upsetting as firstly i was not included in the meet up.
Just want some insight into this
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : I would have asked right away why they didn't call for you to come.
Deardebra : They might have thought you were busy and might not have been able to go, but you want to make it clear to call you if they go out again.
Deardebra : You also might want to call the lodger and see if he would like to go out some time. You both sound like you had an instant attraction and I am sure he thought you were going to be there the next time.
Deardebra : What you want to make clear is that you had such a wonderful time at the party that you would have loved to gone out with everyone again.
Deardebra : Some times people just assume someone will not out again so they don't call them.
Deardebra : This is why you need to say that when they go out again to call you. You also could ask when they are going out again.
Deardebra : I see a lot if signs that this lodger was attracted too you. Nudging your ankle sitting on your lap theses are very direct signs that he was having a wonderful time getting to know you. I think you both should go out again.
Deardebra : You sounded like you had such a great time together. You also could plan a night out with everyone.
Deardebra : Making sure that the lodger gets invited.
Deardebra : This way it will be everyone together and he can get to know you better. I feel there is a connection there. But in order to find out why you were not invited to the night out I would come right out and ask I am sure there was a good explanation why.
Customer:

I did ask ask the gay birthday guy for his phone number but he stated he only met him once and didn't have it.He then later stated that he was a tourist off the street and that I would be just be another notch on his bed and I should find a guy who will put a ring on my finger.I found this very distressing.

Customer:

I became quite upset and angry that same night and was harrassing this gay guy on the phone for the lodgers number.Which I realise now was innappropriate.The work colleague who was putting him up was also there getting a beauty treatment by gay guy.

Customer:

I the asked the female work colleage if she could ask him if I could have his number.She stated he was in Queensland now but will ask him when he gets back.

Customer:

Everything was kept low profile.The female work colleague suggested I find a nice guy or go on a dating site.I realised something was not right,so I did not mention him again as I thought it would reach stalker status.I felt myself becoming obsesses with the issue.

Customer:

About a year later the female colleague told me that the lodger was going back to the UK because he was overstayed his working visa 13 years.She stated he needed to go back because he was always worried about being caught and also for health reasons.

Customer:

My feelings were of sadness and myself.But I decided to be logical and agree it was the best thing for him to do.She stated it would be good for him to go back settle and meet a girl.She would on occassions bring him up in conversation and talk about what he was doing.But funnily when I asked about him she would trivialize my interest by not giving much information or making out he is not such a good friend.

Customer:

After this I decided to minimize my socializing with her because i found her volunteering information about him distressful i really did not want to know if he had met a girl etc.

Customer:

Can you please give me some more insight..Thanks

Deardebra : It sounded like she was trying to keep you away from him
Deardebra : Shred come up with every excuse basically why you should date him ire be interested in him.Ire
Deardebra : She came up with every excuse for you not to date him.Ire
Customer:

whats Ire

Deardebra : I'm sorry that was a miss spelled word.
Deardebra : It was almost like everyone didn't want you to date him.
Deardebra : I feel one reason is they felt that you should be with someone that was someone that would make a commitment. They must have felt he wasn't someone that would settle down
Deardebra : They wanted you to be with someone else so they made all kind if excuses for you not to see him. But they should have let you make that decision.
Deardebra : That is why they didn't want you to go out with them the next night because they must if felt you both would have started dating.
Deardebra : They felt you should be with someone that would want to get married and they felt that wasn't the person that would make that commitment.
Deardebra : They also might have know he was not staying long and didn't want both of you to get attached only for him to leave.
Deardebra : When it comes to relationship even though they thought he wasn't who you should be with because they felt he wasn't someone that would make a commitment but when people fall in love they can change.
Deardebra : This is why when people are attracted to each other and want to date it's only should be two people involved with one another because people will always have an opinion on who is best for you.
Deardebra : I feel they should have let you talk with him by giving you his number. It should have been your devoid ion if you wanted to date him. Now you are wondering what might of been
Customer:

Do you think there was anything that i could of done or was the situation right out of my control.

Customer:

Actually I think it appears they were being controlling and keeping him away from me for good intentions but i think if that was the case they would of made it clear from the beginning that he was here in oz temporarily.I think because they are my work colleagues and my manager dislikes me they didin't want me to be an obvious part of there group.If they guy was that bad then his male friend would of not encouraged our interaction.

Customer:

Or is blaming the manager just a coping mechanism

Deardebra :

I do feel they were keeping you away from him.

Deardebra :

It seems that they felt you should have been with someone else.

Deardebra :

You mentioned the manager does not like you and you feel that maybe they didn't want you in their group.

Deardebra :

One thing I also wanted to mention is you do not know if someone else might have liked him and felt that he liked you. They knew they would have not had a chance if you had his number. You both had an instant attraction to each other that was very clear. What you should have done was not let them control the situation.

Deardebra :

You should have got his number right away to set up a date with one another. Some times people interfere with relationships that is very common. People have a lot of opinions on who they feel should be together, but only you know who you are attracted to and want to spend the rest of your life with, that is your choice not anyone else's.

Deardebra :

I feel they should have let you make that decision. If you felt he wasn't right for you, you would have not dated him, but you needed to figure that out for yourself.

Deardebra :

They should have let you do that so you didn't have to always wonder about how he is doing. I would still try to contact him.

Deardebra :

See if you can get an e-mail address and just send a simple e-mail talking about the amazing night you had at the party.

Customer:

It wasn't till a while later that The work colleague accidently left her mobile at work then rang me at work and asked me to put it in her draw.Although he was back in the UK i saw it as an opportunity to get his number.I rang his number from her phone and there was a voicemail message but i didn't leave a message as it had been a long time and I think it bordered on stalkining.

Customer:

But a few days later i noticed on facebook that she became friends with him.I only knew his first name but assumed it was him from the other information.I was surprised because he didn't appear the computer literate type.I sent a friend request and he added me.We had small polite conversation but i got the impression he was not interested as he did not ever initiate.i assumed he was back home far away and really did not want me bothering him especially since i only met him once.

Customer:

The emails i sent were based on concern and a bit of humour but i did not think it was appripriate to have serious conversation.

Customer:

I did consider fronting up at the place he was staying when he was here but i felt that was stalking and innapropriate.

Customer:

Also at the end of the birthday party he did not mention about catching up again he just had a worried look on his face.

Customer:

Of course initially i thought i would of gotten him quickly because i only met him once. But later I developed alot of physical symptoms associated with wanting him which i had not developed before to that degree.Also during the time i became very angry with those workmates because the situation was making me unwell and i did not feel they were supporting me.I began to feel hopeless like i would never get anyone because there was always thuis interference I could not handle.

Customer:

I think i also have issues with my parents being quite controlling and at the time i was also overwhelmed by my feelings.At the time I did not have the skills or support to be able to deal with it and freaked out.I also suffer from depression and thought that I would never be able to keep up with them socially anyway.So I actually hoped it would all go away.

Customer:

You keep mentioning that they thought i should be with someone else? I did not have anyone else in my life at the time.

Customer:

Actually i remember the gay guy mentioning someone else, a previous work colleague who always sat next to me but was also in a relationship at the time.anyway I came to dislike him because he became abusive towards me on an occassion in front of other work colleagues.At that time he was mentioned by the gay guy i think he was out of the relationship.Its funny how looking back now it seems to them it was just some controlling game to occupy them and they really did not have anyones interest at heart.I can understand why the lodger chose that particular time to go back to UK .He's decided he really doesn't want anything to do with me because it is reminding him of the whole silly situatiion.

Deardebra : I feel that the lodger once home became a different person.
Deardebra : HHe didn't want to start a relationship where he was not staying. But I do feel he had feelings and wished things were different person.
Deardebra : Your co worker had his number so why didn't they give you his number. I think she wanted to talk with him. You also don't know what was said they might have told him you weren't interested. What if he asked for your number and they didn't give it too him?
Deardebra : II would explain the whole thing too him exactly what they said so he knows.
Deardebra : This really effected your life so you need to resolve it in order to move forward. Otherwise you will never know how he felt or he will never know how you felt.
Customer:

The only contact I have with him is on facebook.What do you suggest i say to him?

Deardebra : I would start off by telling him that you wished he had more time here. Then tell him how much fun you had that night at the party. Then explain how you tried to get his number but no one would give it too you because they all said you weren't the guy for me but I felt differently. I wanted to see if there was a connection. This will let him know you tried but your co- workers were against it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

during the time I wondered whether it was actually the female co-worker who put him up was the one that liked him .At times her information concerning him was inconsistent.Initially she trivialised the relationship with her and her then partner describing him as "just a lodger in between places"


Later in conversation to someone else she stated "he stayed with us for so long"


She had been living with her partner for ten years and got married 6months after I met the lodger she stated the lodger encouraged it,


I feel she did not want me to be part of the group and was afraid that lodger would choose me over her group.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
It does seem like the lodger would have choose you and they didn't want to lose their friend. They figured if you started dating that he would be to busy to go out and hang out with them. There is so many mixed stories that where told this is why I wanted you to tell him how you felt because he might have thought you were not interested in him at all. They might have told him stories as well giving him the wrong impression like you didn't like him. You just never know unless you ask him or tell him the story. He should know how you feel. Could you please accept one of my answers. Thank you.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
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I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.