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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me for two months

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My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me for two months now. His only answer for that is please I'm very depressed I can't...
A week ago he went to live somewhere else and said he needs time to get over his depression.
I'm trying to believe him but all seems very strange to me.
Do you think he lies?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

He may not be truthful with you. It is possible that he feels he needs space, but if you are a couple, he should be willing to stay with you through the bad and the good. And someone with depression could use the support of a partner, though it is understandable that they may not want to have sex. Most people who are depressed are withdrawn. They tend to just be able to do the basics such as eating and sleeping and that may be hard as well. However, moving somewhere else completely is a pretty drastic step. Does that mean each time he feels bad he is going to leave the relationship? If so, that is going to make being close to him difficult. So it is understandable why you feel his behavior is strange.

You may want to let him have some time, possibly a week or so, then ask him where he stands in the relationship. Even if he is depressed, you deserve an answer as to what his intentions are with the relationship. And why he is not asking you for assistance with what he is going through. There should be some answers so you know how to react to his behavior.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi,
What happened is a week later he was saying that we are not meant for each other because we are different. So we broke up.
The thing that troubles me now is that he is constantly calling me for stupid things and I really don't want to talk to him. When I say that he just says oh I'm very depressed I'm not ok. It's very annoying situation.
If he is really that bad I can't help him as I'm not professional. But then why he needs me to be there for him?
It sounds like he either still wants to be with you or he is dependent on you. Some people are needy and don't understand boundaries as they need to. If you feel annoyed by his contact, then it is fine to tell him that he might need to talk to a therapist and that you cannot help him.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your answer!
As a professional what would be your advice for the situation?
Is it better for me to stay away and leave him and probably find somebody else or it's worth waiting for a while and see what happens?
You're very welcome! I am happy to help.

Given what you have told me about your boyfriend, it sounds like it might be better to try having no contact for a while to see how he reacts. But only do this if you feel you want to have a relationship with him in the future. You want to give the relationship, and him, as much chance as possible to work. And by having no contact, you will be able to tell how he feels about you. If he really wants to be with you, he will want to be back in the relationship totally. The time away from each other will also give you time to decide if this is the relationship you really want. Try taking a few weeks off totally and see what happens. Tell him that you agree with him that you both need time or that you need to break up. If he tries to call you or contact you, remind him of the break up and hang up or don't respond until the time you set is up. By giving him a deadline you can also see if he respects it.

However, if he continues to do what he is doing by saying he doesn't want to be together but never stops contacting you, or he keeps you at a distance emotionally, then that might indicate a commitment issue or a personality disorder. In that case, it is always better to move on. You do not want to have to chase him for attention or affection if he is only going to keep breaking up or saying he is unhappy. Someone who cannot make up their mind or that holds you at arm's length is not putting your needs first and you deserve better in a relationship.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi,


I'm doing my hardest to ignore him but every day he still texts me about stupid things. usually I dont reply or I dont answer the phone, but sometimes when is regarding work, or example our mutual membership in the gym I've got to reply.


why he is doing that?


He doesn't talk about us but he is constantly contacting me

He seems a bit obsessive if he is still contacting you like he is. He either feels very strongly about you and cannot face how he feels, or he has another issue such as OCD or stalking and you are the focus. It is hard to tell for sure without knowing his situation or being able to talk to him but both of those are possibilities.

If he is contacting you because he has feelings for you that he won't face, then it may mean that he has issues around being able to commit to a relationship. Some people fall in love but the idea of showing love to someone scares them. So they seek contact but cannot go beyond that point. If he does have this issue, he needs to address it so he can resolve whatever is blocking him from being able to show what he feels.

If he is contacting you because he has an issue with OCD or a problem such as stalking, you might be able to tell just by how he acts in general. If he seems to obsess over things, seem to be unable to give up even if he doesn't want something or he seems to have other odd unexplainable behavior (extreme emotions for example), it could be that there is something wrong psychologically. An evaluation with a therapist would help a lot but unless he is willing to go, then there is no way to tell for sure.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Dear gosh!
And what I'm suppose to do now?
You probably want to wait to see how things go. If he continues to contact you, you might want to ask why he doesn't leave you alone. Depending on how he answers, you might get more information. You have to determine your comfort level in the situation and decide from there what you want and feel ok with in terms of being with him.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi again!


He keeps calling me regarding bills and stuff. I try not to answer or I call him next day. He speaks friendly, we agree on payments and what should be done ,we say bye and thats it.


Is it possible that he has moved on so quickly?


 

Hello!

It is possible that he has moved on but since he is still contacting you and not trying to find a way to end all contact could mean that he finds this contact satisfying. He still has a legitimate reason for contacting you that you cannot ignore. And if he is still using that as a way to have contact, that might mean he is still interested. Most people who are interested in moving on will try to find ways around having contact with their ex. But at this point, it doesn't sound like he is doing that.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you!
Does it mean that he will keep contacting me like that until he gets to the point that he doesn't miss me anymore?
Because he has no intentions of meeting or talking about us...
It is hard to predict what anyone will do but given his present behavior he will continue until something changes- either his feelings change for you or the circumstances change. For example, if there are no longer any issues around the bills or if he decides he no longer has feelings for you. But as long as he feels he is getting his needs met by contacting you about the bills, then he will probably continue until something else changes.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi again!


My ex and me are going to see each other later because we need to talk...


I don't know really what to say, I actually don't know where I'm standing..


I am looking for an advice


thanks

Hello!

If you are going to meet to talk about your relationship then it is usually best to start out with getting an idea of where he stands with the relationship. If he called the meeting, then ask about the purpose and what he is looking to achieve by having the meeting. If you called it, then tell him why you are meeting with him and what you want out of it. Depending on how he reacts, you can either proceed with deeper topics or stay on the surface. That means if he responds in a positive way to what you are meeting about and the goal is to try to be together again (and you are ok with this) then it is ok to get into the issues between you both. But if he seems like he is only there to wrap things up, then keep your comments business like and to the point.

If this is about business, then you might want to keep any interaction to the point and brief. You don't want to be mixing in your personal feelings with any business interaction. If he tries to talk to you about anything personal, depending on how you feel about it, you can either respond or choose to keep your discussion about business.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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