How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Kate, my husband wants something from me. he wants me

Resolved Question:

...and what kind of answer is that? matured? I don't see it. And he mentioned nothing about the reason we were in therapy, to fix the marriage. Matured? Was that just a flippant answer, or matured as in grown away from me? Can I take this as meaning anything significant, coming from someone who may have a personality disorder?

Kate, my husband wants something from me. he wants me to sign papers for my permission for our son to also have also citizenship in my husbands native country of Poland. If it can benefit my son in the future, I can understand and may do it. However suddenly my husband is being nice and wants me to sign these papers. My son doesnt care, he's only doing it for him. However, I feel like I am being used. I told him I refused to take a trip to another city 1.5 hours away unless I too have opportunity
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi Dee,

It sounds like he is either saying what he thinks you want to hear, or he is serious about changing. But if you have not seen it before he had this request of you, then it's more likely he is just saying it and it is not what he feels.

If he is asking something of you then suddenly treats you differently in order to get it, then it makes perfect sense that you are upset about that and want to resist giving him what he wants. He would be using you in that case. And it would hurt you to give more when you feel that you have already given enough to the marriage.

It is within your rights to refuse to sign the papers if you feel as your son's parent that it would not benefit him in any way except that your husband wants this. And if your son doesn't care, then that adds to your decision. The only concern here is the fallback on your son. Will it expose him to any stress if you refuse? Would your husband try to use him to convince you to sign? If it hurts your son for you to refuse, then it might make more sense to do it for him. Though that doesn't seem fair, it is usually a balance between finding the right answers for the kids and dealing with a dysfunctional spouse. Often parents have to sacrifice some in order to protect the kids. But that is something you need to balance before you decide what to do.

If your husband says he has matured, then it could mean that he feels that he has matured away from the marriage. Or it could just be something he is saying to get you to agree to signing the papers. With someone who has a personality disorder, real change is easy to see. Although it doesn't happen often, sometimes they can change. But for the most part, you would really see the difference in them without having to look for it.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Fully Understood Kate and I appreciate your input and comments for me to consider. i see why you say my decision should be balanced between my interactions with his dysfunction and acting on behalf of my son and his protection.
True.

If he said that he has matured, I can see how it can mean that he has moved away from the marriage. Yet, I have trouble seeing how it is telling me what I want to hear. Unless, he is saying he has matured (grown) and became a better person, (a contribution to the marriage.) Is it in this way in which you meant he is he is possibly telling me what I want to hear?

Ok, if it was a personality disorder, real change would be noticeable, but not highly likely, ok. Well I've seen no real change as you've already know by communicating with me.

Kate, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX I appreciate your help. You pick up the scenario rather quickly and have insight beyond what I normally expect.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Dee! Yes, I meant that he was just saying that he has matured so you would cooperate. Sorry, I should have said that. Often a person with a personality disorder will manipulate in order to try to get you to do something for them and that is possible here. He may be trying to convince you that he "sees reason" and understands what you have been wanting all this time from him. But you are right to question it and to think about balancing your son's needs compared to your need to ignore what your husband wants.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
If you put it that way, he may benefit (my son) from this dual citizenship, if he one day works or visits Europe, and their may be other benefits as well, plus avoid putting my son in the middle of it all (if I refuse) I will do it, but will make it clear to my husband that I feel like I am being used, and that doing for him (my husband) doesn't feel good when he doesn't even consider my own needs and makes my life difficult. How does that sound to you?
Thanks much..
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You could set that boundary with him. It lets him know you are not accepting his attempts at manipulation, if that is what he is doing. And it helps you set boundaries so he is not likely to try this again thinking you can be manipulated.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency