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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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hi i am mad about a guy at work - have been since joining

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hi i am mad about a guy at work - have been since joining 5 years ago i am sure he knows i like him but i try not to show it partly because I am shy but also because I like to look in control and not show my feelings proud but shy, he went out of his way at the christmas party to call out to me and kiss my cheek which was lovely but i was carrying drinks to a table he seemed dissapointed I was on my way to do this, and went on my way, he always stares at me I take a lot of pride in my presentation but he is a manager and i am just a worker scared to make things awkward here thank you
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.


I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly interested in him and he is giving some likely indications he's interested in you. It would indeed be a shame if you let your shyness and worries of doubt keep you from ever possibly getting together.

There really is no reason to do that. You are too shy to ask him if he'd like to have coffee, I understand. However, the very first thing is: if there is ever another situation like the one at the party, make sure to follow up whatever gesture he makes, whether it's a kiss to the cheek or a hello or whatever, with a verbal response from you. No matter what. If you are in the middle of doing something else, like at the party, then say that you'll be right back after you deliver the drinks in your hands. And then wait until he's not talking to someone else and go up to him and say hi, that you're back; how is he doing? Then let the conversation begin.

So that's first. But you don't have to wait for another party or for some situation where he might come up to you. Let me give you two scenarios to work from that I would very much like for you to do, okay? I'd like you to do both, actually.

The first is available to you if there is someone in the office you trust. Let that person know that you're interested in getting to know him better and let that person tell him that you casually mentioned that you think he's nice and would like to have coffee with him and get to know him a little better. That approach is very much used today but, again, it depends on having someone who you trust in the office to do that.

But either way, there is nothing wrong with saying to him that you're going to the pub nearby for lunch and wonder if he has time to have lunch as well as you're looking for a lunch companion. That's it. Don't get overly nervous; this is not unusual, bad manners, or unheard of. It's done very often. And if he says no, he's busy, that's fine. You just say that's fine, maybe another time. That's it. He now knows that the next move is up to him if he wants. That's all you have to do.

This is only embarrassing if you are afraid of rejection. But my point to you is that there is no rejection involved here because you don't know him yet. If he chooses not to take up your offer or, if he's busy, to ask you another time, that's his choice. You haven't been rejected but there's no relationship yet. He's just letting you know his interest or intention. Period. That's how it works.

The worst, though, is if you let your shyness stop you from letting him choose one way or the other, don't you think?

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


why should it be me to make the first move? again today he was watching me as i left the office this evening, although I am shy by nature everyone assumes I am confident and I think he pressumes this too, I am only confident in appearance and presentation, nothing else. I sat in my car outside work and watched him leave and drive off he didnt see my car and didnt notice me all at that point, I feel a tension between us maybe this is just me that feels this I dont know, but I am finding this all so hard, I am 48 and out of a very long marriage that ended 7 yrs ago he had become abusive and cos of this I am scared/apprehensive of men.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi. I'm sorry I was away; thank you for your patience.


Your question is such a good one: why should it be you who makes the first move?


You're right, of course: traditionally, the responsibility was on the man to make the first move. And it was understood that way. If the man didn't make the first move, that was that, the woman moved on and looked elsewhere, so to speak. That was understood throughout society.


However, that has broken down completely over the last 3+ decades, to the point that men are very hesitant often to make the first move because it might be seen as sexist or as exploitive or as presumptuous. It's all very confused in our society today. Therefore, it's no longer productive or useful to follow the traditional social etiquette. It really isn't and that's why I didn't suggest it at all. Because today, whether it's the man or the woman, if you don't act on your gut feelings about a person, it just won't happen.


I understand this is complicated for you by having been in a long term abusive marriage. That's so hard. I've worked frequently in therapy with people who've come out of abusive relationships and so I understand that it's scary as well as intimidating and anxiety provoking to take a chance and make the first move. Just being comfortable to trust ANYONE in a relationship is a tremendous effort on your part. So I commend you on your trying to see if something can work here. Good for you!


It would be nice if we could go back and rely on the man makes the first move culture, but we can't. So keep on being strong and, now that you're emerging from that abusive marriage, keep on letting yourself assert for yourself what you would like.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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