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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My fiance and I have not had a lot of physical/sexual contact

Resolved Question:

My fiance and I have not had a lot of physical/sexual contact with each other (or anyone for that matter). We are getting married soon. We do discuss the sexual aspect of marriage and he seems a bit more confident/willing to consummate the marriage sooner than later as compared with me. I love him and I definitely want to please him. He is not pushy and has mentioned to me that I should do it when I feel comfortable and he doesn't want to put any pressure on me. I am just wondering how do I know that I am not pressuring myself into it just because it'll make him happy? And how reasonable is it to make him wait (considering he is a guy and longing for such contact with me for a long time, especially having never had such an experience with any other woman)? Also, I am just concerned that after I engage in this, I might come to regret it later that I did it too soon or wasn't ready or felt pressured into the decision. How do I avoid this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

I feel you both should sit down and talk about what is best for the relationship.

Deardebra :

It sounds too me that you are not ready just yet and you need that time to feel comfortable.

Deardebra :

You would not want to have any regrets and have something that could alter the relationship.

Deardebra :

He seems very understanding and would wait until you are comfortable. This is someone that loves and cares about you and would not in any way want to pressure you to do something you were not comfortable with.

Deardebra :

You asked about if you were pressuring yourself. How you would know this is if you are not 100 percent not sure what you want to do. You will reach a certain level when you know the timing is right.

Deardebra :

You need to always think about how you feel.

Deardebra :

You are both getting married soon and then I feel that once you are married things will change and you will feel more comfortable. Being in a committed relationship is something were you can focus on each other.

Deardebra :

You both are planning on getting married and figuring out the future together, once you are married you will be able to get to know each other in a new way.

Deardebra :

You will be living together and understanding and learning about each other.

Deardebra :

He is willing to wait and is very patient and kind about how you feel.

Deardebra :

I want you to think about you, him and the life that you are going to have together. You do not want to be constantly thinking about this pressure. You want to enjoy each others company.

Deardebra :

I want you both to take this time before you are married and discuss the future and your love for one another. Talk about the time you first met and recreate that very first date.

Deardebra :

There are so many moments in a relationship that you remember forever and you will have many more.

Deardebra :

You want to take this time and enjoy the relationship you have together right now. Once you both are married things will begin to change and what you once was nervous about and not ready for will be something that you will feel comfortable with and you both will be planning really amazing things int he future.

Deardebra :

You both have a very good relationship once with communication and understanding and that is so important in a relationship.

Deardebra :

You both are able to talk about things and listen to each other and I feel that this relationship is one that is strong.

Deardebra :

I think you both understanding each other very well.

Deardebra :

Communication is important because he knows how you feel and he does not have to guess.

Deardebra :

This is something where because you are open and honest he can always fix anything problems that may arise.

Deardebra :

This is good that you both communicate so well.

Deardebra :

I want you both to think about our life together at this very moment and also think about your future plans this is an exciting time for you both.

Deardebra :

You are planning a life together, you both love each other these are the times that create and establish the rest of your life together.

Customer:

Thanks for your insights.

Customer:

So if I understand you correctly you are saying that I should wait it out and see how I feel, then make the decision?

Customer:

cause I do seem to not be able to make a decision just yet based on the info I have so far

Customer:

making him happy is what's driving me right now

Deardebra :

I feel you should wait.

Deardebra :

You will know when you are ready because you will feel comfortable and just have a sense when you are ready.

Deardebra :

It is important for you to think about how you feel. I understand you want to make him happy.

Customer:

ok thanks!

Deardebra :

That is because you are thinking of him and that is because you love him and he loves you and is willing to wait.

Deardebra :

You have a very good relationship one where you both think of each other.

Deardebra :

You will know when you are ready because you won't even think about it you will just be comfortable and just know.

Customer:

ya I know that type of feeling with other things so it'll eventually happen here

Deardebra :

Yes, it will.

Customer:

great, this does answer my quetion

Deardebra :

Thank you

Customer:

likewise !

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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