How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question

Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Karin Samms is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My wife has a male friend at work who is touchy feely with

Customer Question

My wife has a male friend at work who is touchy feely with her and when I told her this made me uncomfortable (she did not tell me, I heard about it from a mutual friend who felt he crosses the line with my wife) She is not open with me and keeps these things from me. The guy is trying to be way too buddy buddy with her (he is single). I told her that it made me uncomfortable and she then said I was "jealous and insecure" and continued to put me down. I am being out of line? Also, I do not have single female friends nor do I keep ANYTHING from my wife. What does this mean, what do I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your wife. It is not normal and she really needs to see how it affects you and upsets you. She may be actually enjoying the male attention she is getting so stopping this behavior may not be in her best interest. This is the problem. You may need to talk again with her or perhaps write her an email (preventing her from berating you - as this too, is unhelpful in your communication with one another), express within it exactly how this is making you feel, ask her what is the purpose and how does this male colleague really make her feel and what is it that she would perhaps want YOU to give her (she may have reasons for her behavior, she may be feeling neglected/unwanted by you...?).
Some women may feel quite happy due to the fact that they are getting nice attention elsewhere and this could be because they may not be feeling sexy/loved/attractive at home by their partners, hence they are searching for such care and attention elsewhere.

Sometimes these are just obstacles that can very much be ironed out but if you feel it's something more serious, you may want to ask her to consider couple counseling so that this does not get too out of hand and allows for both of your feelings to be communicated to one another. Another approach might be to ask her how she might feel if a single female colleague at work began to touch you and giggle and enjoy your company this way - how would that leave her feeling?

It is not acceptable for her to be putting you down either and this needs to be addressed. Relationships need to be built upon respect, trust, honesty and both partners have to compromise for the good of the relationship - she doesn't sound as though, at present, she is considering your perspective at all.

Try exploring the above options in a different way with her and see how you go. This won't get resolved immediately but you need to start somewhere and take small steps - together.

I really do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
----------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

"Karin" there was another incident, at her Christmas lunch, she would not even look at me, but I was sent a picture from a mutual friend showing her at happy hour with this guy and they were sitting right next to each other, arms touching. When I asked she said I was jealous and insecure. She also said it is inappropriate to touch at work, I agree, but he touches her and actually got her in trouble at work when he came up behind her and poked her in the sides, she jumped and screamed. I also heard about this from our mutual friends. Again I was told I am jealous and insecure. If I try to talk to her she gets angry, brings up something from years ago, like I yelled at her or something (I am honestly strait up with her and have never ever betrayed her trust.) If I am just quiet at home, she acts like all is ok, sort of. She will always find something to complain about or point out what I have done wrong or give an alternate negative point of view to nearly any opinion I have. What is going on? Thank you

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi D,

It seems as though she does not respect your relationship and it seems there is one rule for her and one for you which is to 'not challenge her' otherwise she gets upset and tries to bring up things that allows her to continue as she is. You need to perhaps be more assertive and express how unhappy you feel within this marriage and that she needs to work with you to make it better. This is not in your head, it certainly doesn't feel that way. She may well be unhappy within the marriage and hence deals with it by allowing this male to continue his flirting.

If others are noticing too, then clearly this needs to be addressed. You may have to express in no uncertain terms that you are not happy about this and try and follow some of suggestions I've offered. If this does not work then you will need to consider counseling together, if she is unwilling, then you need to think about whether she is serious about your marriage - but this would be further down the line as you still have options to consider before you get to this stage. D, you deserve to be treated right and respectfully XXXXX XXXXX is not it. If she loves you then she needs to step up and realize that she could lose you if she continues this way.
-------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi D,
Thank you for rating my service.
Please do let me know if I can be of any further help in the future.
For new questions, start a new page and put "For Karin" at the start and I will do my best to help and assist you.
Best of luck in communicating with her, I hope it goes well.
Karin :)

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency