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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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My boyfriend (21) and I (23) have had a rocky ride, but have

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My boyfriend (21) and I (23) have had a rocky ride, but have come a long way and are finally doing really well. We started talking a year ago when he still sort of had a girlfriend, but he broke up with her for me. Needless to say, I found out he hadn't gotten over her after 4 months (they dated for 2 years and planned their lives together). He received a lot of spite from his friends for it and a lot of other people because they were all really close to her, so he had trouble getting over it (he hates when people don't like him). Eventually she forgave him and he came back to me begging for another chance.

He left me notes and took me on dates, etc. I finally said yes and we've been happily together for about 2 months now (though we kept in contact and kept hanging out the entire year). She seems to be totally out of the picture, even though mutual friends told me that his mom still talks to her sometimes for advice about his sister (she's 18 and talking to guys alot now). His mom has no girls in the family to ask for advice and he didn't know she had been talking to his ex until I asked him if he had asked her to. I apologized for getting involved; I just wanted to be sure that there wasn't still something going on. He promised she's not an issue anymore and he had no idea that his mom had been talking to her. This hurt my feelings simply because I felt like his mom should be coming to me, which I knew couldn't happen because we hadn't even met.

I finally told my bf that I would like to meet his family because it was bothersome that I hadn't even met them, yet his girlfriend was giving them advice still. He agreed and I met them, and it went well. Then, this past Easter (Sunday), his mom invited me to come to church with them and spend the day with his family, so I did that as well (it didn't go as well, I was way too shy and nervous and things were awkward at times because both his uncles were there as well. He assured me that it wasn't a big deal, but do you think it is? I just want them to like me.)

The real concern I'm having is that he never tells me he loves me. I know he told his last gf often, and I know I can't compare us because every relationship is different and people change and mature, but I told I did love him at one point. This was before we got in our most recent, stable relationship. He explained that he loved me as a person, but wasn't in love with me yet.

After about a month of our stable, happy relationship, I brought it up again. I simply explained that I still felt the way I told him I had before and that I understood if he didn't feel the same way, but that I didn't want to waste my time if we weren't going to ever reach that level (this was before I met his parents). He explained once again that he did love me, but couldn't admit that he was crazy IN love with me. He did, however, say that his feelings were a lot stronger than they ever had been and that he was falling in love with me.

A couple of weeks later, I said I love you when I was drunk (I know, I know), and he finally did say "I love you, Sarah." I don't know if this was genuine or not, but I asked if he really meant it and he said yes, that he did. So I accepted it. However, still two weeks later even after that, he has never said it to me. I have said a few times before we go to sleep, just "love ya" and he'll say "I love you, too." But he'll never say it first. I asked him one time why he never said it first, and he said "I do say it! I love you." and I said, "Babe, you know what I mean. You only say it if I bring it up and never say it first." and he said "I love you I love you I love you." But STILL has yet to ever say it first. Not when we get off the phone, or leave each other, or go to sleep. None of it.

Other than this small problem, I'm happy in my relationship. He's coming home with me this weekend and we've made plans in July and plans for his sister's graduation and plans for my sister's wedding. Everything's good. I just feel like he's maybe lying? It just bothers me because I know he ALWAYS said it to his last gf. She even showed a text to a friend (who told me, because we have mutual friends) one time that said "I love you so much, babe. I'm so in love with you. I LOVE YOU!" Knowing things like that is unsettling because I just want a text like that so badly it hurts. He said he's a very slow mover, but really? I feel like he should be wanting to scream it at the top of his lungs like I do.

Another thing is that I don't really feel comfortable tweeting him or leaving a message on his facebook wall, even though I'll tag him in photos. He just doesn't seem like he'd want me to do that sort of thing? I've met all his friends and hung out with them and everyone and their dogs know we're in a stable, good relationship, but still..

What do you think all this means? Should I just ignore it and lay low? Sorry so long, thank you so much for any advice!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I've read through your question thoroughly and want you to know that my first observation is that perhaps you're trying too hard to be liked and accepted by everyone, be confident in who you are and some of these issues will eventually fall into place (for example, your boyfriend's mum asking advice from his ex).

Additionally, he certainly should be showing you and expressing his feelings for you however, he doesn't have to necessarily do it in the way you might wish him to? He may well be a slow mover and sometimes love has to grow and develop? Some relationships start with infatuation, and others turn very quickly from physical to emotional. Your relationship with him is taking a while to get to that stage, but it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care for you - he is being very honest with you too - about his feelings - this is really good.

His previous relationship sounds like its everything you would want (all the good bits anyway), and this makes you quite envious and perhaps resentful too.

I believe that you are worth A LOT and no-one should make you feel anything less. If your boyfriend doesn't begin to express nor instigate his feelings towards you, you would need to discuss it with him further and express very clearly that he doesn't ever instigate. You will need to work on him and try to find out why he finds it so hard. I'm wondering whether it is because he experiences a level of guilt over leaving his ex for you (knowing how they were planning their lives together etc..) and now here you both are and you're wanting a similar level of affection and expression of love as he demonstrated to her and maybe it's too soon for him. (By the way, I am on your side here, I am simply telling you how one might look at this from different perspectives in order to help you, I hope you can see that).

You deserve to be treated like a princess and to be swooped off of your feet, however reality isn't always like this, but this doesn't mean you should settled for second best - you just need to work out "what is okay and that you can work towards" and "what is not okay and that you won't settle for."

Sometimes love takes work and time but you must trust your gut feelings and decide whether this is going to need working on - HE may need working on. You've been together for two months, it is still quite early and he still has time to display such affection but if you push him too much, you run risk of him backing off and pushing you further away so please be careful.

Give yourself some more time, do lay low for a while and see how things progress, he's clearly very much into you as he's pushed so many of his good friends away and suffered by accepting their disapproval of his actions - he wouldn't have done all of this if he didn't believe in this relationship with you.

Again, the whole tweeting thing - are you worried he might think its too much too soon? If this is you getting worried, then go for it and accept you are both together. However, if it will make him cross - ask him what this means to him - that he's been tagged in a photo here and there.

I really do hope this is helping to put your mind at ease and perhaps to help you see things slightly differently, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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Kindest Regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

Can I be of any further help to you? If so, please do let me know.


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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leaving the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much for the advice. We had been doing so good, until about 4 days ago, I had a bad moment and went through his phone while he was in the shower. I didn't find anything from his ex or with his ex, but I did find a text that he had sent to his mom that said "& I'm torn; I love (His ex's name), It was about it being different, but it was about having a best friend that I saw the rest of my life with. And I messed it up."


 


So I naturally felt concerned, both because I felt the need to look and because he had sent it. So I told him that I did, asked for forgiveness, admitted I was wrong, promised I'd never do it again, told him I regretted it, then asked for an explanation.


 


He explained that he had had a bad day that day and that we were in a fight and he missed being with someone who he didn't fight with very much and that that was how he and his ex were. He claimed he loves me and wants to only be with me, but I've been freaking out and texting him alot and asking lots of questions. He says he's sure he doesn't love her anymore and now that I've finally got the answers I need, he's acting very distant and very different.


 


We were doing so good and he says he wants to stay together, but that he doesn't like that I don't trust him, that he doesn't know if I'll ever be able to get past this, and that he isn't sure what he wants from life whereas it seems like I'm ready to get engaged soon.


 


So today, I asked him if he just needed space in order to return to how we were before because I felt as though he wasn't into hanging out with me or being the way we were before. He said he thinks that's what would be best for him. I said I was willing to give it to him if it's what he really needed even though it's the last thing I need.


 


He's attending two events that his ex is going to be at and it bugs me tremendously that we're taking space at the moment while he goes to be around her. I told him that, asked him how much he needed and he said he doesn't know.


 


I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose this guy and we've been through so many ups and downs that I'm terrified. So terrified. Help! What do I do?!

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there S,

I'm sorry that you're feeling so worried about this. I don't think there is too much to be overly concerned about. He is being honest and is discussing with his mom so it's not as though he has been deceitful. Try and look at this from a practical perspective; it would be normal under the circumstances for him to miss her but he feels he needs space to decide about your relationship together - as he may be feeling pushed a little by your actions. Give him the space and you will have to find a way to let go and trust him. If he's not the one for you then you will find out one way or another, but giving him some room to decide, has to happen, otherwise you run risk of him throwing the towel in.

The fact that he was having a bad day and was feeling fed up of the fights just made him want to imagine a relationship without these obstacles - this feels like a normal human reaction and sometimes we want familiarity - don't you think? I don't think there's much more in it but if you keep pushing - he will distance himself, so please be careful. I do hear your worries but you need to be careful that your insecurities and feelings around this particular situation doesn't get the better of you.

Give him the space, try and keep yourself busy, send him a text every now and then if you wanted to but nothing to pressurized and leave it at that. Set a date in the dairy for when you could both catch up to discuss things over a coffee and take it from there again - this may be set for a fortnight's time so he doesn't feel like its too soon and you're putting too much pressure on him to make a decision, if he comes back sooner then great, if not, then you have something already put aside in the diary. My best to you S, try not to worry unless you have some real evidence for you to be worried about, at present it's all up in the air and you will need to find a way to trust him, if you seriously believe he doesn't have strong enough feelings for you and there are examples and evidence to demonstrate this then he doesn't deserve to be with you - period.

I do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yeah, he just said he doesn't know if he wants to stay together in the end or not. I just don't understand how he can need space after how far we have come. And I don't know what space means. Do I just let him come to me anytime we talk?

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
It's important that you keep channels of communications open as much as possible, this way you get to understand what his concerns are, if you feel he's taking you for granted then it would be important to establish some boundaries but if you feel he's genuinely confused and needs the space, give it and then unfortunately it's playing the waiting game for a while. Space can mean different things so it would be important to know if this is a timeout from the relationship (which seems unlikely but better to clarify?) or just space to think before making a decision about the future of your relationship. Take care of yourself.
--------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leaving the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for rating my service, it is very much appreciated.
Take care and you know where I am if you'd like to return to me and ask a new question. Just put "For Karin" at the beginning of new questions on a new page and I shall do my very best to assist and support you.

Best wishes and good luck, I truly hope it all works out for you both.
Karin

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