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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hopefully this goes to Kate McCoy as she has my back up info..

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Hopefully this goes to Kate McCoy as she has my back up info..
Ill put a brief back story in here. My Fiances sons were and are incarcerated for a bad crime. We have went through a very tough time but seem to have our lives in order or at least to where we can deal with it. We have suspended counseling as we feel stable.
Okay last month her ex husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer..He was given 2 years to live with radiation therapy..During the marriage as she has told me he was controlling and mentally abusive.She never said much good about him.
Since his diagnoses she goes to see him weekly under the premise that it is for the boys so she can relay info to the boys about there fathers health. She arranges for the boys to call her while she is there for a visit so he may talk to them..I would not have a problem with this but he could do the same thing himself.. Am I wrong in thinking he is just taking advantage of her again?..
I told her I felt that is what he was doing and she said she is doing it for the boys.She started hiding the fact that she was going up to see him but later admitted that she had.Said she didn't lie to me just did not tell me. She said I would not agree with it.
She started being mean to me this weekend by picking at everything I did or had done in the past..
I told her I felt like I was on an island.. She said she tends to pull back because I don"t agree and that she will continue to do what she is doing because the boys need her to. as for me being on an island I have done that to myself because she doesn't feel my support ..
So my question .. am I wrong in my challenge of his motivations? should I be more understanding of what she is doing for her sons? I really need help here I just don't know what to do.. Avoid taking any side but hers when it comes to the boys?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Charlie :) I appreciate it.

You are not wrong for challenging your fiancee's ex husband's motivations. She should not be going over to see him that frequently. And if she feels the need to be there for him (if he doesn't have anyone else to care for him for example) then you should be included in the situation.

It could possibly be that your fiancee has been pulled in by her ex husband's situation and he has played on her sympathy. As with any dysfunctional relationship, there are a lot of emotions like guilt, shame and dependency. And just seeing her ex being this ill could have brought out those emotions for your fiancee. He may have even told her that since he is dying, she is responsible in some way. This would occur especially if the issues between them were never worked through by your fiancee when she left the relationship. It would be much easier then for her to fall into the same pattern.

Your fiancee's ex husband does not need her reporting their sons' status that often. And if he really wanted to know, he could find out for himself or even ask her to call him. She does not need to see him face to face to talk about these types of things.

It is fine for you to be supportive of her but you also have the right to ask to be more of a part of what is going on. Tell her that you understand that her ex is sick but that you are her primary relationship right now. Tell her that you would feel much more relaxed about the situation if she would either cut back on the face to face contact with her ex or let you go along for these get togethers. If she doesn't listen, you probably are looking at more going on here than she is telling you. She is either back in with him in some sort of relationship or she is feeling so controlled by him that she doesn't know how to get out. In that case, you both need to talk this out and she needs to be more honest about what is happening.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate ,I spoke to her as she called me after work. She wanted to discuss my statement that" I felt like I was on an island"..I said I would prefer to do that in person. Well she started anyway.. I told her that I supported her and she flipped out on me and said I talked out of both sides of my mouth that I was condescending. I just got quiet as I did not know what to say.. She stated that she was doing it for the boys and that I would do the same thing if the tables were turned..She said she was going to continue to do it until he dies or can or will do it himself. I could not find any words.. She is going up tonight to arrange a phone call between him and the boys..I feel like my opposition is ending our relationship..I texted her in an effort to open the communication but have not heard back.. Im at a lose what is my best approach here?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

She is basically telling you that she wants to do this her way and that what you feel about it is not as important than what she feels about it. When someone is refusing to listen there is not much you can do to make them. You have tried talking to her but right now she is not hearing you. So that leaves you to decide how you want to react.

You have a few choices in what you can do. One is to leave this as it is and just deal with what she is doing. That doesn't solve anything and it makes you feel like you do not matter. But it is an option. Two, you can leave the relationship. Not ideal but it might help you get out of the situation. Three, you can take a break from the relationship. That might get her attention or it may not. But it would give you some time to think this through. Four, you can continue to try to talk to her. That may help and it may not. But if she won't hear you, then she is not willing to resolve this right now.

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 5 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
This may also help you:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/29/5-relationship-skills-for-conflicts/

Kate





May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thank you kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome, Charlie! Take care

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