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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I am needy for affection - and fear that I am being little

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I am needy for affection - and fear that I am being little too intrusive towards my man because of this.

The situation is multilayered, so its not simply forward to make one question which would cover all. Generally, however, I'd like to know how to do/deal with this? (I do understand its for me to find my own answers, but it would be usefull to have an external view to these things.) I'll try to make a long story short by listing things that affect the situation.

1. I am needy for affection. Fact is that I feel a need for a hug or a kiss multible times during one day. I also feel daily the need to make love with him, even if I dont really expect it always. I just need affection all the time. I feel very content, almost euforic when his hands are around me. Just to put my hand on him seems to calm me.

2. I DO THING HE IS ENOUGH affectionate. I dont want the affection from anyone else. Yes I wish for him to respond. Sure I want more. The thing is - I might be too needy for this. He is desiring, loving and affectionate. Still for some reason I feel the yearning for more right again. Generally said, it is like I feel more distance when I am not or he is not touching than I want to feel. So its weird because, we are very good together. Sexually steamy, and emotionally so gently loving. So whats wrong with me? Why my fingers literarry hurt, when I pull my hands off?

2. I know I have my own 'weight of past' to carry around. a) Never before had a man who even was remotely serious or really that much interested in me. No one so affectionate as my man now. b) I am 37, my man was my first sexpartner in certain sense (although I am not 'unfamiliar with my body'). c) I had no teenager boyfriend. I did not feel very attractive as a teen and have been very - how to say - unable to belive someone could be interested in me - and very very affreid of humiliation if they was not. d) At the end of 'teen years' I did not really want anyone in long time because I was ALMOST raped, by someone whom I thought in friendly sense, to talk with. A man who should not have touched someone so young. c) I felt always ugly and fat - but as a teen I was not. After that attempted violation, I did not much care to be attractive either, (even if I always dress well.) I gained a lot of weight (lost very much of it since, even if I still am rather big). I see that is NOT an issue for my man, and that is lovely - but its almost intoxicating to feel like that. d) I am ill - physically, and it does affect emotional and sexlife.

3. Few years ago I was almost paralysed - due to wrong analysis. I had surgery after wich (immediately after) I had lost great deal of ability sense touch - also in genitalia areas. Sure, bit later sense did return, but some things have changed - its like some parts of me are wired wrong way. That moment right after surgery scared the crap out of me. But I think I deal with it pretty good. Rather - for me this experience makes a need in me to focus more on my man's pleasure. I worry more about that than mine - I feel most fulfilled past my own pleasure when I know he has enjoyed. I have this great need to make sure he feels good at all times. I dont think I always can do.

4. My illness - it can't be fixed. It makes me uneasy on legs, weak and I feel extremely lucky to have a man who does not make me feel a bother for that. I can walk, but not run or ride bike.. or walk far. Sometimes I think its bit hard on him.. like he worries that I will 'break'. I live with some form of pain every day. It actually is true that some pains go away when we are hugging or just being together - even over internet. I dont talk about that so much to him, I dont mean hiding, just, I dont want to make him feel 'forced to cuddle'. Even so, affection can not cure every pain attack - even if there was a moment great deal of pain was muted by sexual pleasure.

4. We live in different coutries for now. I will move to live with him, but for now we must wait because there are things to organize. It will as we hope happen in 2-3 years. We have just been lucky to spend bit longer time together. So its very naturally hard to think of having to go back. For just few months, but it is rather physically hurting me - I mean just to think about that.

5. I cry as easy for good as bad. VERY easy. It seems he sometimes smiles cause he knows the good tears. And I do everything I can so he would not feel like my tears are a 'leverage'. He tell me he is happy with me and will miss me - that he would like to say for me not to go, but he does not want to make me feel bad cause I have to. Well thats to give an example about the affectionate action based way he is.

I adore him. I have constant need to make sure he feels good. And I need to feel the touch so much. I wonder how to calm me to not to behave too much needy for affection? Actually I think its not necessarily need for more. I don't thick that I feel too scared for us, cause of distance.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I believe that you may have a Dependent Personality Disorder. You do have obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviour concerning this relationship.

You could enjoy your life with a lot less stress if you went to see a therapist about working on this condition.

Your tears and worries will fade away.

Perhaps you might even benefit from an occasional use of antianxiety medications, such as alprazolam, but just AS NEEDED but not on a daily basis.

You seem to have a great capacity for love and caring, but your needs must be better controlled so that you do not sabotage this relationship.

I urge you to see a therapist in order to keep your relationship safe.

Je vous souhaite grande courage et sagesse.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your answer.


 


I dont really speak french. But that aside. While waiting I read about some men talk about gf who are to clingy>> phonecal troubles, jealousy, demands about confessions of love, well you name it...


 


Some poor man even had to tear apart his work portfolio to proove he is not interested in someone else. But it was these kind of posts online that made me look for an other answer - yea I searched also bit before I found this forum. I asked cause - while I do feel very much needing the attention - I do not see the ways those women are like me. I do not do things like that. No way, I find that kind of show of insecurity bit stupid actually. No screaming for being late, no words like 'if you loved me'. That way is not me.


 


 


I just hope my physical manner is not too intrusive. Its like obsession to touch or to even make sure he really is there.. even when I can see he is.


 


Recently I felt like I intruded bit too much trying to steal a pashionate kiss. That is what made me originally worried and him asking if he dont touch me enough.


 


There is so much weight behind my background and generally my health, or the fact that we still have address in different countries that - and I tried to make it clear in my question by speaking of all this - that its a multilayered situation which makes me rather overwhelmed about how to ensure he feels good with me. No one ever told me they did. He really factually is first one. I did not let anyone close before.


 


Like said I figured he maybe did not want to have as many hugs, kisses or such - not all the time - that it made me worried - generally about my physical manner. And then I realized it actually physically hurts me to try to not to touch. So I am bit lost about how to do.


 


I do not use tears as weapon, like explained in some posts. I can get how someone does, even with out knowing it. Believe me I have wondered if it seems like that to him - because my too easy tears have been a problem long time - so I prepared about that and have gone out my way to try to explain. I think he got that part yes - like said about the 'good tears' - but it does not remove the fact that I will always be easy to make tears. I used to dump friends simply because they maybe laughed at me for something. And then I kinda learned to 'remember' that its not always to hurt if they laugh.


 


But that does not remove how the tears come out too much easy. I was bullied in school cause they found it so funny to see me cry that easy. I did not mean that this thing I asked about is making me cry more than usual or natural - I meant that, because I cry so easily, I worry he feels he did something wrong - even though he did not. I dont want he becomes tired of wondering that I dont feel good with him, even though I do.


 


I have had the sensitive personality trait long enough to know it will make people also tired. The thing is - I also am ill and have pains. So I can not avoid feeling easily sick - of for that matter, bit tired. So it makes me even more sensitive. How on earth I make that easier for him? Its not easy to watch how someone you love rolls in pain in the bed just cause they have some over sensitive nerves and gass in the belly - I have actually fainted over such pain. So I it really is fact that I sense much more hurt from that than people generally do. I am on Lyrica for my pains - and few other medications as well.


 


The thing is I tried to explain bit my history and found the space bit limited to make my question.


 


It stopped me to roots to feel I introoded with something meant to feel sweet. I think its rather self explanatory to feel - even more needy for attention cause I know I must go back to my native coutry if few days.


 


But the truth is I never wanted this much attention from anyone. I really dont want it go too far. I dont think its a dissorder - but a situation that has 'variables' that make everything feel extremely intense. I do take your view into consideration though.


I feel like a need to protect us because in fact I have never ever had an experience of anything so pretty. Maybe it is that - having been alone so long. Even to try to protect us from me, as strange as it sounds to put it that way. One example.. my health requires rahter expensive care - so for some time I was rather over whelmed about that too if we would affort to live together - or if I was irresponsible about giving hope for relationship when I will come with bit more expenses than a healthy person. I dont work. I cant physically - so I am retired.


 


Im rather surprised about your answer. I dont put it off like that - but I think maybe I did bit poor work trying to explain in english. I am european - not french though - Its limited how I can express me.


 


I want to tend to something that is this good - its that what makes me so much needing to make sure he feels good - is that I feel bit like there is more than normal ammount of stress created cause of my medical situation, or us having to spend extended times apart and my history.


 


I am actually able to limit my behaviour.. but it feels strangely painfull to not to touch.

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