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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. I

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. I am 29 and he is 30. We both have been in long relationships in the past and both were about to get married to our previous girlfriends/boyfriends. We reconnected after going to high school together and in the beginning, we were madly in love and spent every minute together. We talked about getting married to each other and having kids. I moved to Los Angeles from Northern California with him and we have lived together for six months. I really want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. He knows that as I drop obvious hints all the time. We were out with our friends a few months ago and my girlfriend had to tell me right then and there that he had told her that he got me an engagement ring and was planning on proposing to me last January during a weekend we were supposed to go to Colorado. We ended up cancelling our trip to Colorado because I was in between jobs. Since then, I have been wanting to know if he is going to propose to me. I haven't fully asked him if he is going to do it, but I have definitely hinted towards it. Ever time I ask him or talk about marriage, we seem to get into an argument :( I feel horrible every time and each time an argument starts, it seems to escalate. I get more and more angry and he gets more standoff-ish. It makes me feel so sick and I need to know how to get past the feeling so I can leave him alone to let things cool down. Just today, he upset me because he told me that he doesn't like my hair extensions and he thinks I wear them to impress other guys. I got really offended and started crying. I told him that the reason that I wear my clip in hair extensions is because I like them and it makes me feel pretty and confident. He told me that he thinks I am beautiful the way I am and he prefers short hair, which I have. It's little things like this that we get into fights about. I don't know what to do. I just want him and I to be happy together and to not worry about if he is going to propose to me or not. If it happens, it will happen. I want to be with him forever so I can definitely wait until the right time. What should I do to surpress my anger when we get into these fights? I don't want them to escalate and push him away and not want to be in a relationship with me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you're going through this feeling of anger and you seem unable to manage it at present. He seems to be oblivious to what you're going through or what's going in deep down inside. I wonder if it would be all that bad if you spoke to him about 'some' of your feelings and thoughts about the future as opposed to him proposing to you? Would that not be a better form of communication? It would certainly go some way in answering a part of your question and that would be about whether the two of you are to have a future together.

He and you clearly ARE thinking of kids and family so it feels perhaps it must needs to be further vocalized and then if it feels comfortable to say more, the question of whether or when to get engaged could come into the conversation. It doesn't have to come across to highly pressured. I believe that some of the little arguments are because you are holding this anger and frustration inside and don't seem to have thus far, had a way of communicating your thoughts and feelings and you will need to do this one way or another. If you feel that talk of marriage ends in arguments perhaps it would be about not having any expectations and setting some boundaries around a discussion together so that neither one of you feel cornered nor unheard and that you both get a chance to speak, express your feelings and feel listened to.

An alternative strategy would be to both write letters to one another with your hopes and dreams for the future - and share it with each other - consider putting in what your ideas are on timeframes and hence this will help you both to begin to see how these aims could be fulfilled. (Any relationship would be about team work, honesty and respect, you can show and convey these through such exercises as they allow you both to demonstrate these qualities without feeling threatened nor self conscious).

You both CAN be happy, but you will need to talk some of your feelings and thoughts through, but you will need to think through exactly what it is you want to 'say' either one to one or perhaps through a letter/email - whichever medium suits and feels best for you. You may want to write it all out and then discuss it with him so that it doesn't come out all wrong (hence sometimes these misunderstandings cause the little fights).

I hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi J,

Can I be of any further help you? If so, please do let me know.


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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leaving the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Karin,


 


I'm not sure if you got my previous message. I wanted to ask you how I should respond to him when he says so called "joking" things. He says, "you don't love me anymore," to me all the time. I always say to him, "I love you very much, what are you talking out?" And he always says to me, "you don't love me anymore." How do you suggest that I respond to him to get the point across that I DO love him?

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hello again,

I'm sorry, no I had not received a further response from you - this is the first after I sent my initial answer to you.
J, I would be delighted to continue assisting you, however if you will, could you kindly take a second to rate my service. The question will not close and I will continue to support your requests on this question. In the meantime I will prepare my response.

Kind regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi J,

I'm uncertain whether he does this when you're both having arguments? If so, it might just be his way of reacting to you and to the things that you say to him, it might also be a way that he is checking out whether you are serious about being together (possibly before he decides to propose?).

He needs to understand that this is not the way to win such arguments as relationships cannot last when there is such anger from you and insecurities potentially from him. If he has been hurt in the past, this would explain his need for reassurance and validation from you however it needs to be discussed that your boyfriend needs to EXPRESS his feelings in a different way rather than using this same line over and over. In terms of you controlling your anger, you may well need to walk out of the room and leave him to continue talking - all the while you need to be trying to focus on your breathing (to bring down the anger you're feeling before you say something you may regret).

His constant joking behavior is obviously upsetting you and you may need to explain that this is not helping and that you are more than committed to him and you would demonstrate this if he were to ever ask you if you wanted a long term relationship together. (This might well lead into conversation about future plans too...?)

My best to you,
Karin :)
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi J,
Thank you for your response (I think you'd placed it as a new question rather than a response here, hence I have closed it so you are not charged).
My best to you and do let me know if you have any new questions - just enter on a new page as a new question and I'll do my best to help you.
Take care,
Karin :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much, Karin! I will most likely contact you soon.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
You're very welcome J!
Best wishes and good luck!
Karin :)

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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Counselor
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with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues