Would you like to read the letter I have written to Darlene (the lady's name). This will give you a more detailed appraisal of the issues concerned. I have decided to text Darlene later today without fear and send the letter via email even though it awaits at the post office. I need to let her know of my continued interest and love even though she resents my break of my promise to marry. Gee, relational issues break marriages up and given that she has averted important and reasonable planning discussions she scores me as a 10/10 guy. Why would you want to let that go? How do I get the letter to you?
In the first instance I need to inform you that I will not be returning whatever is important to you for which you will need to make a time , if you so wish, to collect such items of importance at a time that is convenient for both of us. I feel it to be inappropriate to call into your home at Marayong with your family present as I have expended great effort in trying to build relationships with all of your family and with success I feel. I won’t be their favourite “man” I suspect.
In the second instance I recall your desire for a firm hand particularly with regard to your temper and it is this same element that I have found to be too difficult, even frightening at times. Such hits my heart and hurts me greatly and I have always endeavoured to not exercise anger towards you……..no reason to and in any case would never raise my voice. Like you I don’t like raised voices from those whom I love and it is in this respect that nothing within me has changed. Such makes me shudder within and I regret not talking to you about this along the way.
I do have a very sensitive heart that is very accessible and is expressed overtly. That is who I am and I cannot necessarily change this. I thought that is what you wanted however for you it appears to be too sensitive and yes, I try very hard to share it with others. For you I try too hard however I am not prepared to embrace an outer shell to protect myself. It has taken me 10 years to soften after my divorce and 12 months to present my heart to you. In any case I do not want to expend the absolutely unnecessary energy in avoiding matters of the heart through defence mechanisms of any kind..
Before I say anything else in this letter, of very significant importance to me I need to convey to you that there have been two incidents of deference made to “grooming” for the purposes of sexual abuse made by you over time for which I consider to be most inappropriate for me. I am not a Paedophile and have raised my own children with great vigilance in this respect to ensure their protection.
I acknowledge your trust in me although have also found the suggestions to be quite frightening in terms of my own safety and protection. I well understand their origin and am accepting of this. Accordingly I did set my own personal boundaries to ensure the safety of your own children. However, as much as I would have liked to I could never bond with the children in the effective way I consider appropriate as a step parent given this matter’s historic ethos.
I have spoken anonymously to the NSW Police regarding this matter and as such they have been apprised of my concern without offering any names. Such is a very serious suggestion and has been taken seriously by them, historic or otherwise, Advice was also given by XXXXXX, Clinical Psychologist, at the Saint John of God Hospital who was, upon both occasions, very concerned about my own safety from her point of view. Such data has been included as valid documentation within my own medical record. According to Yvette any such suggestion is highly dangerous for any outside man, Fiancé or otherwise. Yvette also agrees that the mater negates the bonding with your children in the way I would have liked to.
In any case I felt last Sunday was a culmination of your own issues or perhaps my ongoing and regular presence at Marayong which has become too common place for the family system and its ensuing responsibilities and operation thereof. On Sunday I was unsure of what seemed to be a perceived degree of disrespect of me. Else your own tiredness perhaps detracted from the day’s activities. I had been yelled at in anger that same morning and was unsure as to whether or not I should have stayed for the day or whether you would have preferred a day on your own with your mum which would have been fine by me. .In any case your raised voice for who I am or what I have done on a number of occasions has progressively detracted from my connection with you.
Letting such “through to the keeper” (something you say you don’t do) I had two choices. A choice to do just that with “the keeper” or retort to the interaction and end up in a pattern of argumentative behaviour likened to that of Gary in years gone by. I don’t want that with anyone and least of all you with your difficult history.
On another note I not only remember your original profile but also your words throughout the tenure of our relationship so I want to keep a more emphatic ethos throughout this letter. Why? Because I feel haven’t done anything really wrong and “through to the keeper” has been specifically adopted to avoid argument on some occasions. My actions this morning were of great courage considering that I love you so much. Did you think it was easy? I would appreciate your thinking on it again although perhaps you don’t even care all that much anymore. I don’t know but what I do know it took substantial genitalia……….a quantum that you consider I lack. I am unable and unwilling to sit “under” other people’s projections, especially anger given my own experiences.
My lovely two daughters have helped me with this letter, both of whom are qualified to do so…….I have spoken to them both directly as I have with a few other folk. I have done so because I care so much but felt that there was an element of disrespect or gross annoyance with me last Sunday. I am human and get it wrong a considerable amount of the time.
Returning to original profile and that which we had discussed along the way my understanding was that of all the men you have been involved with you scored them 1 or 2 out of 10. Me? I was 10/10 so what are you doing with that? Losing it is the contemporary outcome for which I gave my best endeavour to build an embryonic blended family unit as best I could for the many complexities involved.
The following is or was your wish list to the best of my understanding:
For my part I would consider the words of from Scripture (no I AM NOT REGIOUS) and specifically Chapter 1 verses Corinthians 1 – 8, 13:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angles, but do not have love. I have become a noisy gong or a clanging symbol. And if I have the gift of prophecy and I now all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient and kind, and is not jealous, love does not brag nor is arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things. Believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. But now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest is love”.
I have had a real good think today about the characteristics, albeit most imperfectly, that I have invested into our relationship over time. I am sure that these might apply to you also. They are:
SERVING YOUR NEEDS
ALWAYS VIGILANT WITH WHAT IT IS YOU NEED
ABSENCE OF ARGUMENT
ABSENCE OF VIOLENCE
“FITTING”INTO YOUR FAMILY SYSTEM”
EXAMPLE (MODELLING FOR THE CHILDREN)
BONDING WITH YOUNG CHILDREN (A LENGHTY EXERCISE)
SPECIAL OUTINGS (INCLUSING OF CHILDREN)
RESPITE (MY HOME FOR ALL OF YOUR FAMILY)
HARD WORK (LABOUR)
RESPECT FOR YOUR MOTHER
RESPECT FOR YOU EX HUSBAND
FLEXIBILITY WITHIN YOUR FAMILIY “SYSTEM”
ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR SCHEDULE
RESPECT FOR YOUR WORK COMMITMENTS
MY AVAILABILITY AS MUCH AS I CAN AFFORD
GOOD AND TIDY WORK
I don’t know what else I could add to the list but would say that the list in and of itself encompasses all my endeavours. Albeit imperfectly I believe that I could not have invested any more than I have for you for which all has come from my own love of you.
Having listed these same attributes I have a few more things of importance to add.
My question regarding departure for home on Sunday was entirely related to your over tiredness given your lack of sleep over several nights. Not just Friday and Saturday night but also the latter part of the same week (1:30am / 2:30am??) and any other night previously. However you weren’t prepared to leave it at that. Sex had to be my motive for which it was not and I have every right to be very angry.
ü Your history is being unconsciously projected onto that which is good which constantly devalues the person who is enacting it. This has brought upon great silent sadness and hurt to me now for quite some time as I cannot unconsciously be compared to your former partners or any other men in your life.
ü Your outer hard core shell as maintained by the biological energy of anger is depleting your energy resources beyond all reasonable sustainability. This may contribute to a result in substantial over tiredness, disrupted sleep and lack of energy for which you supplement by eating sugar. Medically this is a road to Type 2 Diabetes. A substantial genetic disposition already exits.
ü The energy of anger manifest itself as a rigorous and volatile expression when triggered else you remain silent. These same elements deflect anyone (including me) for seeing the beautiful you that is on the inside. Therefore I very often cannot determine how I can relate to you. Any matter beyond the core is inaccessible and detracts from the development of a deeper intimacy.
ü Your Employer referenced this Personality Schema within the first two weeks of you work with BIGW. Your colleagues find it difficult which you think is OK as it is just who you are you. I feel that this is not OK. The lady who arrived at my front door on the 17th April 2012 and introduced herself as Darlene seems to have disappeared or is hidden and I have tried to rediscover her from time to time. I attribute this primarily to the fact that you now have to work and as such had and continue to have an influence that detracts from your most wonderful nature.
ü Your mother has observed and commented on this overt behaviour and to that end of the Sunday in question your mother was extraordinarily affable towards me because she herself could see the impact upon me as a guest.
ü Your anger has not been dealt with at all. Rather your Personality Schemas are conclusive by the unfortunate history you have had to live and I don’t blame you for this. Conclusive? This means that one is not open to personal growth or the evolution of life and will remain stagnate for their current chronological age. Anyone who could contribute or assist you or just discuss the matter (me) is perhaps inadvertently discounted.
ü Your inner life remains absolutely silent. For example, you came into my kitchen at Moss Vale one evening crying. I asked as to why for which you could not bring forth any articulation whatsoever. So how was I to relate to you in the situation? This is a predominant pattern with both your emotion and thinking all throughout our relationship so I don’t know just what steps to take.
ü Wanting to maintain control completely depends on that which you wish to control. Won’t be me because I won’t sit under it. It is an equal partnership. Most men are highly suspicious of women in this respect and very few really good men (and I happen to be one of them) are very savvy and can make up their minds 30 minutes on a first date unless all they want is to get their pants off.
So in it’s entirely this is an exposition of my genitalia and courage…………all of which we should have been talking about along the way instead of what has happened. You promised to never hurt me and were once genuinely concerned about my happiness. Now I have hurt you and I am sorry. I felt very unwanted on Sunday, a feeling I had not experienced before in the relationship. The lovely lady I met on the 17th April 2012 has disappeared somehow and you should know that. You should also try and regain that in all walks of life including your family. I should never have let our relationship get to this point. I am as much to blame as I haven’t spoken up at the right time.
However, there is a man (AND I MEAN A MAN) down here in Moss Vale who still loves you despite our history. It just doesn’t “go away” I am afraid to say. You can have it if you want but my guess it’s not for you. Too complex to sort out on your own yet I would have helped you save others keeping away from what was our sacramental promise. Only discussion or a third party can help resolve matters now……..but I think I know you better than that given such a suggestion. Please just know that I love and care for you and dearly wish I could “get inside”.
A VERY HAPPY PICTURE OF OUR PAST
ONE THAT I HAPPEN TO LOVE
ONE THAT I HAD INVESTED A GREAT DEAL OF MYSELF FOR US
OK. I really need some help here as you will see that the issues are complex but I am quite a tenacious guy and firmly believe that the issues can be discussed. After all, Darlene was the one who stated that she needed help with her anger / temper issues which are somewhat core to the letter. How will I know when you have replied?
Thank you so much
No, I do not as Personality Disorders are quite comprehensive in their symptomology. Perhaps Borderline Personality Disorder given her fear of abandonment and the swings of love (idealisation ) and anger/ disdain / hate?
What do you think?
ps: I cannot achieve intimacy with this lady as her inner life is so well protected she has great difficulty in articulating questions I ask of her of just what is going on inside of her when say, she is crying? Else, If I make an enquiry as to just what is going on it is met with silence. She believes that revealing her heart to be a great weakness and must always remain strong.
It is interesting in that Darlene has tried to commit suicide on two previous occasions.
I sent this SMS text to Darlene last night:
"Hi Again. Just to let you know that there will be no letter to collect as I will be retracting my letter via AUSPOST first thing on Tuesday morning & see no point in taking any further initiative in bothering you. This only breeds more disrespect I feel. Words & gestures will change nothing. If you were really interested you would be happy to talk but I gather you are not. I deeply regret what I have done, a very stupid mistake. I am also deeply sorry for hurting you. I'd like to undo it but it's too late now and my heart remains unchanged and will remain so for a long time. There are MANY wonderful memories. We should have been talking all along the way. Shame you will miss BRIGADOON on Saturday for which I thought about an invitation. I also had some furniture for you. Call me if your time and space change your mind.. My promise was genuine and real but anger / temper on Sunday affected me greatly. I know that I am a good man and treated you well. Paul.
Do you think I should send my letter via email and also what we have written here. I feel I need to let here know the origin of her anger / temper and its affect on other people. I do love her dearly and am shattered by the realities that exist. Maybe she will seek help although I know she has a huge aversion to doing so.
I was also going to have a friend call her to see if he could convince her to "get together" but there is an aversion to this as well.
Dear Bonnie, Yes I am ready to rate you as excellent although I do appreciate your patience here. I have been reconciling my relationship with Darlene and she is coming down to my residence of Friday of this week. However, I am seeking two books / workbooks that I might purchase for both of us to work through. Should Darlene decline the work then I cannot continue with the relationship as nothing will change. The evidence of one personality schema does not necessarily imply the whole of a Personality Disorder in my mind although I am observing transference onto her two children aged 7 and 9. This will be Darlene's motivation rather than just my idea. What I ask of you (this is my final question) is can you recommend (1) Any good work books on Personality Schemas with simply explanation on the meaning of schemas that are identified and (2) Any good work books and/or audio tapes on step family development/blending. Thanks, Paul