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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2178
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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I foolishly ended my engagement to a lady I dearly love last

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I foolishly ended my engagement to a lady I dearly love last Monday morning. Such was based on a myriad of issues but in particular her behaviour on the Sunday was abusive in argument/s and I consider I was neglected in the evening. This lady has a very co-dependent relationship with her mother who lives with her and instead of attending to my presence she asked her mother to watch more DVD material with her. I stayed but really wanted to leave earlier in the day. I have completely lost her trust in asking for the ring back and offered no explanation to avoid another abusive argument. I cannot keep my promise of marriage whilst she dishes up whatever is inappropriate. She does need help with anger and temper (and has been sexually abused when she was 10....she is now 46). How do I regain her trust as she has shifted from "sorry its over" to" I haven't picked up your letter yet and need time and space to think". The issues are cumulative for which we should have been discussing all along the way but she averts away from such discussions. I want to keep in contact and wonder whether such is wise or not. I need her to know that I still love her and want her. My letter contains all the issues thus far and also states that given last Sunday I thought she was no longer interested. Paul
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Hello and thank you for using out service,

I am sorry to hear of this situation which is obviously causing you much agony. I picked out this sentence for us to center our discussion....

"I want to keep in contact and wonder if such is wise or not."

It sounds like this situation is beyond the point whereby you and she can handle it alone. Of most concern is her coping strategy to avoid the conversation that needs to take place. Your avoidance is related to fear of her reaction. This needs a mediator....couples counseling. That would be the way to regain her trust. She will see how important the relationship is to you and the therapist will encourage all issues to be brought out into the open. One of these issue may be that she (or you) should also get individual therapy and treatment for her anger. As I think you know, history of abuse can cause these behaviors but needs to be address head on.

So, while she is asking for space...you should give it to her. But let her know that you want to discuss the issues in the letter with a therapist present. Remember that without this level of intervention, her behavior will not change much and then, it would not be wise to stay in the relationship and subject yourself to something that feels abusive and neglectful.

As far as accessing therapy, in Australia, I believe you need to ask a GP for a referral.

I hope this is helpful...
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Would you like to read the letter I have written to Darlene (the lady's name). This will give you a more detailed appraisal of the issues concerned. I have decided to text Darlene later today without fear and send the letter via email even though it awaits at the post office. I need to let her know of my continued interest and love even though she resents my break of my promise to marry. Gee, relational issues break marriages up and given that she has averted important and reasonable planning discussions she scores me as a 10/10 guy. Why would you want to let that go? How do I get the letter to you?

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Hi Paul,

I would be glad to look at the letter. Can you cut and paste it here?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

XXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXX

XXXXXX

XXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXX

Email: XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX

Dear Darlene,

 

In the first instance I need to inform you that I will not be returning whatever is important to you for which you will need to make a time , if you so wish, to collect such items of importance at a time that is convenient for both of us. I feel it to be inappropriate to call into your home at Marayong with your family present as I have expended great effort in trying to build relationships with all of your family and with success I feel. I won’t be their favourite “man” I suspect.

 

In the second instance I recall your desire for a firm hand particularly with regard to your temper and it is this same element that I have found to be too difficult, even frightening at times. Such hits my heart and hurts me greatly and I have always endeavoured to not exercise anger towards you……..no reason to and in any case would never raise my voice. Like you I don’t like raised voices from those whom I love and it is in this respect that nothing within me has changed. Such makes me shudder within and I regret not talking to you about this along the way.

 

I do have a very sensitive heart that is very accessible and is expressed overtly. That is who I am and I cannot necessarily change this. I thought that is what you wanted however for you it appears to be too sensitive and yes, I try very hard to share it with others. For you I try too hard however I am not prepared to embrace an outer shell to protect myself. It has taken me 10 years to soften after my divorce and 12 months to present my heart to you. In any case I do not want to expend the absolutely unnecessary energy in avoiding matters of the heart through defence mechanisms of any kind..

 

Before I say anything else in this letter, of very significant importance to me I need to convey to you that there have been two incidents of deference made to “grooming” for the purposes of sexual abuse made by you over time for which I consider to be most inappropriate for me. I am not a Paedophile and have raised my own children with great vigilance in this respect to ensure their protection.

 

I acknowledge your trust in me although have also found the suggestions to be quite frightening in terms of my own safety and protection. I well understand their origin and am accepting of this. Accordingly I did set my own personal boundaries to ensure the safety of your own children. However, as much as I would have liked to I could never bond with the children in the effective way I consider appropriate as a step parent given this matter’s historic ethos.

 

As follows:

 

  • The grooming of yourself for the purposes of having a further sexual relationship with your mother (quite some time ago now in the early stages).

 

  • The grooming of Angus aged 9 years, in relation to trampoline coaching, for the sole purpose of sexual abuse (more recent and as I understand it a “Gary” issue).

 

I have spoken anonymously to the NSW Police regarding this matter and as such they have been apprised of my concern without offering any names. Such is a very serious suggestion and has been taken seriously by them, historic or otherwise, Advice was also given by XXXXXX, Clinical Psychologist, at the Saint John of God Hospital who was, upon both occasions, very concerned about my own safety from her point of view. Such data has been included as valid documentation within my own medical record. According to Yvette any such suggestion is highly dangerous for any outside man, Fiancé or otherwise. Yvette also agrees that the mater negates the bonding with your children in the way I would have liked to.

 

In any case I felt last Sunday was a culmination of your own issues or perhaps my ongoing and regular presence at Marayong which has become too common place for the family system and its ensuing responsibilities and operation thereof. On Sunday I was unsure of what seemed to be a perceived degree of disrespect of me. Else your own tiredness perhaps detracted from the day’s activities. I had been yelled at in anger that same morning and was unsure as to whether or not I should have stayed for the day or whether you would have preferred a day on your own with your mum which would have been fine by me. .In any case your raised voice for who I am or what I have done on a number of occasions has progressively detracted from my connection with you.

Letting such “through to the keeper” (something you say you don’t do) I had two choices. A choice to do just that with “the keeper” or retort to the interaction and end up in a pattern of argumentative behaviour likened to that of Gary in years gone by. I don’t want that with anyone and least of all you with your difficult history.

 

On another note I not only remember your original profile but also your words throughout the tenure of our relationship so I want to keep a more emphatic ethos throughout this letter. Why? Because I feel haven’t done anything really wrong and “through to the keeper” has been specifically adopted to avoid argument on some occasions. My actions this morning were of great courage considering that I love you so much. Did you think it was easy? I would appreciate your thinking on it again although perhaps you don’t even care all that much anymore. I don’t know but what I do know it took substantial genitalia……….a quantum that you consider I lack. I am unable and unwilling to sit “under” other people’s projections, especially anger given my own experiences.

 

My lovely two daughters have helped me with this letter, both of whom are qualified to do so…….I have spoken to them both directly as I have with a few other folk. I have done so because I care so much but felt that there was an element of disrespect or gross annoyance with me last Sunday. I am human and get it wrong a considerable amount of the time.

 

Returning to original profile and that which we had discussed along the way my understanding was that of all the men you have been involved with you scored them 1 or 2 out of 10. Me? I was 10/10 so what are you doing with that? Losing it is the contemporary outcome for which I gave my best endeavour to build an embryonic blended family unit as best I could for the many complexities involved.

 

The following is or was your wish list to the best of my understanding:

 

  • A companion, friend and lover for yourself. Have I not been so despite my mistakes along the way?

 

  • Absence of argument and domestic violence which means in and of itself “letting non important things through to the keeper”. Even then important matters need to be discussed in an even tempered way from my way of thinking. I felt that we never really discussed matters of importance as two prospective persons wishing to form a partnership. There were many things that I would have like to have discussed along the way although I let them accumulate far too long as I do. You also had an aversion whenever I tried to raise an important matter and I don’t understand this as I thought you wanted to talk things through rather than endure silence or a never ending discounting from the other party.

 

  • To be treated with dignity; care; thoughtfulness; love; respect; care; sensitivity; communication; overt feelings, gentleness, a sexual lover, a person who could talk about his feelings to name a few. My own heart’s sensitivity I have revealed………I cannot see yours. One never knows where you are really “at” internally so a relationship of nurture is impossible. Why would I and your children need constant reassurance? Gee, it takes a lot of Quantum Biological Energy to maintain an outer hard core with the key emotion behind that energy being a high degree of anger in order that you can deflect any possible intrusion into your heart with great veracity or just silence. I suspect that this may be one reason you are always tired and need sugar for energy.

 

  • An alternative model for your children for which my bonding to date has achieved significant milestones and therefore you may have possibly made the mistake to have let this happen. Given last Sunday I felt that the interaction with Chelsea and Angus whilst viewing over 11.5 hours of DVD material was a little over the top for little children. From my standpoint the children have only ever asked valuable questions to enhance their own understanding for which I was have always paused to answer. I know that you don’t agree necessarily and with me not knowing the children well in this context I remained silent.

 

  • A remarriage scenario in order to cement your dream once I obtained work, which I will do. I have the possibility to purchase acreage at Gerringong provided I earn $1000 per day. We could have done this together.

 

  • To provide what is called a “hinge” for your children’s decision making and as such this takes years of exposure to an alternate male model and your own modelling to boot. Short term relationships to meet you own needs won’t achieve this at all and I presume that you want this change to occur for your children in order for them to make healthy and appropriate decisions for their life. I am more than well versed in this as you have seen.

 

  • I need to tell you in this same context that Chelsea is now seemingly modelling behaviours of wilfulness; anger; backchat; assertion; violent acts (moderate); , unrelenting, repeated requests to obtain that which she seeks (in terms of control).

 

  • Angus affords a better demeanour although anger is prevalent with more graphic violent acts most probably modelled by his father. Again, Angus holds within himself a great deal of personal distress I feel which emanates from perhaps his own observations occasionally hitting Chelsea.

 

  • Rory is a 22 year old adult male whom I sadly understand to be somewhere on the Autism Spectrum and possibly a degree of Asperger’s syndrome as you had previously stated. From my own observations the scale is higher than you might consider.

 

  • Technically the manifestation of these same personality traits are known as “Personality Schemas” and can be linked to traumatic distortions should a child have ever been exposed to them. Personality Schemas are derivatives of Personality Disorders (in part) including Asperger’s Syndrome. Outside help is an option else you find an ongoing stabilising model. Rory I feel may benefit from a psychiatric diagnosis and an award of a Disability Support Pension for financial reasons alone which happens to be more (non-taxable) than you would earn doing 60 hours at BIGW.

 

  • The “Walter” affair has destroyed so many relationships seemingly beyond repair although I am pleased for you with your recent reconciliation with Antoinette. I wish you well in this new development.

 

  • Notwithstanding they are all great children as I have said many times over.

 

For my part I would consider the words of from Scripture (no I AM NOT REGIOUS) and specifically Chapter 1 verses Corinthians 1 – 8, 13:

 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angles, but do not have love. I have become a noisy gong or a clanging symbol. And if I have the gift of prophecy and I now all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

 

Love is patient and kind, and is not jealous, love does not brag nor is arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things. Believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. But now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest is love”.

 

I have had a real good think today about the characteristics, albeit most imperfectly, that I have invested into our relationship over time. I am sure that these might apply to you also. They are:

 

RESPECT

TRUST

FIDELITY

GENTLENESS

HONOUR

GENEROSITY (THRIFTY)

TRUTH

HONESTY

LOVE

FORGIVENESS

ACCEPTANCE

TOLERANCE

COMPROMISE

COMPANIONSHIP

AFFECTION

SERVING YOUR NEEDS

DEPENDABILITY

TIMELINESS

ALWAYS VIGILANT WITH WHAT IT IS YOU NEED

ABSENCE OF ARGUMENT

ABSENCE OF VIOLENCE

NON DRINKER

NON SMOKER

“FITTING”INTO YOUR FAMILY SYSTEM”

EXAMPLE (MODELLING FOR THE CHILDREN)

BONDING WITH YOUNG CHILDREN (A LENGHTY EXERCISE)

SPECIAL OUTINGS (INCLUSING OF CHILDREN)

RESPITE (MY HOME FOR ALL OF YOUR FAMILY)

HARD WORK (LABOUR)

FINANCIAL INPUT

SEXUAL PLEASURE

RESPECT FOR YOUR MOTHER

RESPECT FOR YOU EX HUSBAND

FLEXIBILITY WITHIN YOUR FAMILIY “SYSTEM”

ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR SCHEDULE

RESPECT FOR YOUR WORK COMMITMENTS

MY AVAILABILITY AS MUCH AS I CAN AFFORD

GOOD AND TIDY WORK

 

I don’t know what else I could add to the list but would say that the list in and of itself encompasses all my endeavours. Albeit imperfectly I believe that I could not have invested any more than I have for you for which all has come from my own love of you.

 

Having listed these same attributes I have a few more things of importance to add.

 

My question regarding departure for home on Sunday was entirely related to your over tiredness given your lack of sleep over several nights. Not just Friday and Saturday night but also the latter part of the same week (1:30am / 2:30am??) and any other night previously. However you weren’t prepared to leave it at that. Sex had to be my motive for which it was not and I have every right to be very angry.

 

  • I had been considering for quite a number of weeks, although never espoused, that week night (or work / school nights) were not the greatest of ideas for me to stay overnight. This was inclusive of both Sunday and Wednesday night. It seems to me that given the variety of hours you awaken it is always difficult to know whether or not you wish to talk. Sometimes yes with a bit of a cuddle and sometimes no. If no then I am usually subject to anger with a raised voice in which the entire family can hear inclusive of your mother on Sunday last. I refuse to sit under such demeanour for which I was very embarrassed. It seems to me that my presence overnight on these same “work” days proves to be too disruptive for the sleep that you obviously need. I seem to stuff that up with great regularity.

 

  • The sex thing in and of itself was a stark reminder of my matrimonial days for which you allege that my former wife had every good reason to not “put up with me”. Would you like a copy of the matrimonial journal especially with the Criminal Assault of a knife in the throat in front of my children? Else the hard implements (used in the TV series “BONES”) thrown directly at my head scrapping my head and going through the plasterboard wall. All three incidents could have killed me hence the charge would have been “Attempted Murder” Any wonder I ended up in a trauma ward and it’s no wonder Mandy is not gaoled as NSW Police wanted charges to be applied. My children did not fare much better so you need to know all the facts rather than berate my genitalia.

 

  • More specifically, your refusal to accept what I said regarding your need to sleep (an act of consideration and care) plus your ensuing denial of sex (I wouldn’t have proceeded anyway due to your obvious tiredness and mood ……but no…….you wouldn’t allow adult discretion on this matter). Such left me in a state of haunting and trauma all night long. I got no sleep and wondered whatever happened to your promise of never hurting me. That’s appears to be absent on this occasion along with your respect. I could only assume (and I did) that you did not want the relationship any longer. If this happens once then it would happen again with a risk of increasing frequency.

 

  • In any case I always said that if such ever happened again in a future relationship whereby sex was used as a means of deprivation; punishment; vindication; retribution; control or power that would be the end of it. And so it was. I cannot sit under such deprivation given its emotional impact upon me. You obviously omitted to factor that in.

 

  • I was absolutely gob smacked after 10 hours DVD viewing and your “mood” at the kitchen table despite my offers of a massage, shower, early night etc. I was very hurt that you remained at that table and left me……..your Fiancé and guest……..alone on a couch whereby you proceeded to ask your mother??????? if she wanted to view more DVD material? I can’t think of any occasion whatsoever when you visit my home whereby I leave you unattended and uncared for at any time save your puzzles and bath. I always shopped with you very much in mind to ensure your pleasure in coming. I could only deduce that you had had enough of me and my ways.

 

  • It is in this same context that I refer to our agreement to hire a cabin at Gerringong although I accept that your mother new nothing about this venture. However, and even if you do not agree, a promise of engagement to marry is a sacrament before God. So I don’t act lightly given the seriousness of the promise. I have not asked of you to change any rankings of your family life although there are now 10 family members involved. Such doesn’t phase me and I was willing to accommodate your visitations even if that meant I arrived after your ongoing and regular visits. I do respect your family commitments.

 

  • There exist a very close relationship between you and your mother that does contain relational elements in many ways whereby I feel as your Fiancé at the time excluded such that I couldn’t seem to achieve a fair “look in”. Three close adults is a potential difficultly and I fear that if I lived with you there may be significant adult clashes especially with regard to the children. Different styles, values and views are inevitable which would require the negotiation of three adults and not just you and me as a married couple. No fault here necessarily of anyone in particular however my ranking as a step parent has its limitations behind family members. Such is the reality that it is.

 

  • You fell first remember? I followed and had to work hard at that. My proposal of marriage was most genuine and so was my promise. Hence may I ask you to review the data on page 3 and have a really god think.ly good think as to what it is you want for your family. You had someone 10/10 by your line of measure and so I now presume 0/10 in your eyes. As a score of 10/10 my understanding is that you have never had such a score and have admitted that you don’t quite know what to do with that. There are so many things I could offer in this context for everyone.

 

  • The only researched conclusion that I can make as confirmed Dr Yvette Vardy (I discuss our relationship a lot with her) is that your history has mostly been with men whereby you have perhaps had no real father model and have had to endure the added pressure of having to make Matriarchal decisions at an absolutely absurd age. So what does this all mean? The Psychological view as confirmed by Yvette:

 

ü Your history is being unconsciously projected onto that which is good which constantly devalues the person who is enacting it. This has brought upon great silent sadness and hurt to me now for quite some time as I cannot unconsciously be compared to your former partners or any other men in your life.

 

ü Your outer hard core shell as maintained by the biological energy of anger is depleting your energy resources beyond all reasonable sustainability. This may contribute to a result in substantial over tiredness, disrupted sleep and lack of energy for which you supplement by eating sugar. Medically this is a road to Type 2 Diabetes. A substantial genetic disposition already exits.

 

ü The energy of anger manifest itself as a rigorous and volatile expression when triggered else you remain silent. These same elements deflect anyone (including me) for seeing the beautiful you that is on the inside. Therefore I very often cannot determine how I can relate to you. Any matter beyond the core is inaccessible and detracts from the development of a deeper intimacy.

 

ü Your Employer referenced this Personality Schema within the first two weeks of you work with BIGW. Your colleagues find it difficult which you think is OK as it is just who you are you. I feel that this is not OK. The lady who arrived at my front door on the 17th April 2012 and introduced herself as Darlene seems to have disappeared or is hidden and I have tried to rediscover her from time to time. I attribute this primarily to the fact that you now have to work and as such had and continue to have an influence that detracts from your most wonderful nature.

 

ü Your mother has observed and commented on this overt behaviour and to that end of the Sunday in question your mother was extraordinarily affable towards me because she herself could see the impact upon me as a guest.

 

ü Your anger has not been dealt with at all. Rather your Personality Schemas are conclusive by the unfortunate history you have had to live and I don’t blame you for this. Conclusive? This means that one is not open to personal growth or the evolution of life and will remain stagnate for their current chronological age. Anyone who could contribute or assist you or just discuss the matter (me) is perhaps inadvertently discounted.

ü Your inner life remains absolutely silent. For example, you came into my kitchen at Moss Vale one evening crying. I asked as to why for which you could not bring forth any articulation whatsoever. So how was I to relate to you in the situation? This is a predominant pattern with both your emotion and thinking all throughout our relationship so I don’t know just what steps to take.

 

ü Wanting to maintain control completely depends on that which you wish to control. Won’t be me because I won’t sit under it. It is an equal partnership. Most men are highly suspicious of women in this respect and very few really good men (and I happen to be one of them) are very savvy and can make up their minds 30 minutes on a first date unless all they want is to get their pants off.

 

So in it’s entirely this is an exposition of my genitalia and courage…………all of which we should have been talking about along the way instead of what has happened. You promised to never hurt me and were once genuinely concerned about my happiness. Now I have hurt you and I am sorry. I felt very unwanted on Sunday, a feeling I had not experienced before in the relationship. The lovely lady I met on the 17th April 2012 has disappeared somehow and you should know that. You should also try and regain that in all walks of life including your family. I should never have let our relationship get to this point. I am as much to blame as I haven’t spoken up at the right time.

 

However, there is a man (AND I MEAN A MAN) down here in Moss Vale who still loves you despite our history. It just doesn’t “go away” I am afraid to say. You can have it if you want but my guess it’s not for you. Too complex to sort out on your own yet I would have helped you save others keeping away from what was our sacramental promise. Only discussion or a third party can help resolve matters now……..but I think I know you better than that given such a suggestion. Please just know that I love and care for you and dearly wish I could “get inside”.

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

XXXXXXX

 

 

 

A VERY HAPPY PICTURE OF OUR PAST

ONE THAT I HAPPEN TO LOVE

ONE THAT I HAD INVESTED A GREAT DEAL OF MYSELF FOR US

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Hi again Paul,

I will need some time for this and may not be back until tomottow with comments. I hope that is okay. I have asked JA to remove all personal identification because these posts are viewable through a google search so that is for your protection.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

OK. I really need some help here as you will see that the issues are complex but I am quite a tenacious guy and firmly believe that the issues can be discussed. After all, Darlene was the one who stated that she needed help with her anger / temper issues which are somewhat core to the letter. How will I know when you have replied?

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
The same way you knew about this reply.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Hi Paul,

I read it all. You speak often about the Personality Schema and Disorder. Do you have a specific one in mind that may apply to Darlene?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

No, I do not as Personality Disorders are quite comprehensive in their symptomology. Perhaps Borderline Personality Disorder given her fear of abandonment and the swings of love (idealisation ) and anger/ disdain / hate?

What do you think?

ps: I cannot achieve intimacy with this lady as her inner life is so well protected she has great difficulty in articulating questions I ask of her of just what is going on inside of her when say, she is crying? Else, If I make an enquiry as to just what is going on it is met with silence. She believes that revealing her heart to be a great weakness and must always remain strong.

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Good morning Paul (at least it is in the States)

You really have a good understanding of PD and the dynamics such as projection. When I was in training, I was taught to use myself and my emotional reactions to people to hone in on a diagnosis. When I first read of the agony Darlene's behavior is causing you, I thought of Borderline immediately. Then, reading the letter confirms the suspicions. The only factor you have not mentioned is thought of self harm which often is present with this phenomenon.

Anyway, there are many books written about being in a relationship with a person with borderline PD, This is testimony to how difficult these relationships are ("I hate you; Don't leave me"). (When they are good, they are very, very good; and when they are bad they are horrid).

So botXXXXX XXXXXne is, it is unlikely that her behavior will change without intensive psychoanalysis (4 days per week on the couch). So if you stay in the relationship it would need to be with this knowledge and tolerance for the projections that would be directed at you.

Your letter is very complete but do not expect it to be received well. She will need to have that hard shell on to read it. She may not be able to absorb it or accept it. Many persons with PD refuse to recognize or try to understand it. They often reject the diagnosis. You need to be clear with yourself about what you are hoping for (? an apology, to reunited?), ask yourself if it is realistic and shore yourself up for not getting it and move on.

I am sorry you found yourself caught in this web with so much agony. It may be time to cut the tentacles that have grabbed you and release yourself from the blame.

I wish you the best
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dear Bonnie,


It is interesting in that Darlene has tried to commit suicide on two previous occasions.


 


I sent this SMS text to Darlene last night:


 


"Hi Again. Just to let you know that there will be no letter to collect as I will be retracting my letter via AUSPOST first thing on Tuesday morning & see no point in taking any further initiative in bothering you. This only breeds more disrespect I feel. Words & gestures will change nothing. If you were really interested you would be happy to talk but I gather you are not. I deeply regret what I have done, a very stupid mistake. I am also deeply sorry for hurting you. I'd like to undo it but it's too late now and my heart remains unchanged and will remain so for a long time. There are MANY wonderful memories. We should have been talking all along the way. Shame you will miss BRIGADOON on Saturday for which I thought about an invitation. I also had some furniture for you. Call me if your time and space change your mind.. My promise was genuine and real but anger / temper on Sunday affected me greatly. I know that I am a good man and treated you well. Paul.


 


Do you think I should send my letter via email and also what we have written here. I feel I need to let here know the origin of her anger / temper and its affect on other people. I do love her dearly and am shattered by the realities that exist. Maybe she will seek help although I know she has a huge aversion to doing so.


 


I was also going to have a friend call her to see if he could convince her to "get together" but there is an aversion to this as well.


 


Paul

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Hi Paul,
Sorry this response is so delayed. I believe the short email communicates your position well. (I thought she already had the longer letter but had not read it). As I stated earlier, the long letter may be discounted by her. If she has a change of heart and wants to hear your analysis of her behavior, then, send it. Otherwise it may be a waste of time and energy.

If you meet with her or even if you get back with her, it must be with the acceptance that she suffers from problems with emotional regulation and this is not likely to change. Shore yourself up for this encounter and do not blame yourself if the interchange deteriorates again.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dear Bonnie, Yes I am ready to rate you as excellent although I do appreciate your patience here. I have been reconciling my relationship with Darlene and she is coming down to my residence of Friday of this week. However, I am seeking two books / workbooks that I might purchase for both of us to work through. Should Darlene decline the work then I cannot continue with the relationship as nothing will change. The evidence of one personality schema does not necessarily imply the whole of a Personality Disorder in my mind although I am observing transference onto her two children aged 7 and 9. This will be Darlene's motivation rather than just my idea. What I ask of you (this is my final question) is can you recommend (1) Any good work books on Personality Schemas with simply explanation on the meaning of schemas that are identified and (2) Any good work books and/or audio tapes on step family development/blending. Thanks, Paul


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Okay I will work on this.
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 1 year ago.
Hi Paul,

I did a search and chose these for your situation. If they are not exactly what you want, I would recommend that you browsw through Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Everything-Guide-Stepparenting-relationships/dp/B006TQX3JE/ref=pd_sim_b_4

Here is my favorite website related to PD:
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html

and here is a book which can be ordered:
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Healing/dp/0195379586/ref=sr_1_44?ie=UTF8&qid=1365009419&sr=8-44&keywords=personality+disorder

Just be careful.....she may resist and resent the idea of a PD.

I wish you all the best....

Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
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