I met a guy (long distance) few years ago through my parents. Religiously, people conduct a ritual before initiating conversation of this sort and if this ritual's outcome is 'positive' then it means this match is recommended. Mine was positive for this guy. Having respect for this ritual, I felt a bit of obligation to make this match work out. We started communication via email/chats. I didn't like this guy from the very beginning. He was arrogant, boastful, disrespectful and ill-mannered. His mother had similar characteristics. Normally, I would not bear this and end the possibility, but due to this ritual's outcome being positive I kept 'bearing' it. Eventually, his mother did something which was very disrespectful to my father and she passed rude comments about me. That is where I drew the line. I stopped contact with him. I can't recall but somehow we started speaking again (over email/chat). I didn't feel comfortable with him. He would try to show me up and win me up all the time. At that time, I either didn't realize I was uncomfortable and should pull away or just ignored my feelings and misunderstood them. He was 'good' for me on paper, so at some point, we again started discussing the possibility of us being together. I told him my feelings about his mother and her disrespect. He said he would take care of it, but that never happened. I was not able to let that go. He mentioned to me that he would need another year to 'take any big steps' (towards marriage). I told him that I am not ok with moving on this way without any parents' involvement. We should talk again once our parents talk and give us positive signals. We decreased our talking and he said he would ask his mother to contact my parents. I kept waiting. After many weeks, his mother had written to my father. It was a weird email, almost like she was forced into it and was expecting us to carry the conversation, when she was the one contacting us. I also didn't like the tone in which this guy spoke to my parents. It was rude and too authoritative. Since I didn't have much contact with the guy, I didn't know the situation and I felt stuck on what to do. Several months had passed this way. I didn't expect it would be taking this long. Then we had some contact. We didn't directly address the parents' issue. That still seemed up in the air. He was looking for some jobs at the time, so I spent a lot of time searching for suitable job offers for him to apply. He was ungrateful in his response to that, and tried to do something for me 'in return.' One valentine's day, he sent me a simple greeting, and I responded and had a present for him. He never responded to me on that. That confused me a lot. We had very little contact after this. Then after a few months, I told him I don't want to leave things up in the air and I no longer interested in pursuing you further. He didn't respond. Several months passed, I asked him if he was able to find a job since I had suggested many options for him. He didn't respond to that either. He had a possibility of leaving the country if he couldn't find a job here, so I wrote him that you seem to have gone back. He immediately responded to that rudely and arrogantly that he got job and he also got into a relationship with someone. I felt weird about it, but I just congratulated him. After this, he would send me occasional emails to 'catch up' or just giving me an 'update' on his career. I didn't like it at all, but I kept responding to his emails, and kept feeding 'his ego' because I didn't seem to understand that I don't need to respond to him (I wish I had done this back then). Many months later, I wrote to him asking for his advice on something. His response was rude. This is where I understood and finally realized how ridiculous being in touch with this person really has been for me. I ended up telling him harshly that I don't have any interest in your life, how rude he was to my family, and arrogant. In addition, his mother was quite ill-mannered too. He sent me some messages but I never read them. Just didn't want his negativity anymore. So my questions are: 1. Why would this person not respond to me when I told him I don't want to pursue you anymore? Had he already 'moved on' and didn't care? 2. Since he told me that he didn't want to take any big steps until he got a job, is this part of the reason why he kept updating me on his career? 3. In the last email I read from him, he said that 'he had moved on, and he is sure I have too, and hopefully I'll find the same love his life is filled with now.' This seemed that he was trying to tell me how great his life is and I may or may not have reached it. Is that accurate? 4. I still think about all this and struggle. I second guess myself. I thought I should be 'done' by now? What should I do for all this to not bother me anymore? Thank you for your patience. I really need some perspective/help. I promise to leave a good rating/tip :)
This might be some miscommunication here:
1. I didn't speak ill of his mother. Rather his mother did that for us, and he made those comments from his mother known to me in the beginning. Maybe because he wanted me to 'address them' and 'please his mother,' but honestly, if she doesn't accept me/my family the way we are, then what can I do about it? When we tried to give it another shot, I expressed my these concerns to him and he said he would take care of it and convince his mother. That never happened. Like you rightly said, imagine how someone would feel if they hear such things about their family and/or them.
2. Can you recommend any books I can read? Maybe on cognitive behavioral thinking?
3. I didn't try to find a job for him, just suggested several links to suitable jobs that he could apply to. He would constantly express how desperate he is to look for something, and he's so busy in school that he can't find time to do it. He almost wanted me to do it. I didn't think that much about it and went ahead with the search. However, his response was quite ungrateful.
4. I have heard that you should write a letter but not send it. I however wrote my thoughts/feelings and sent it. He sent me responses, but I didn't read them. In this last letter, I mentioned that his mother was ill-mannered towards me and my family. I thought it's just my expressing how she behaved with us, but would you qualify this as speaking ill of somebody's family?
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I respect your thoughts and opinion, and my intention is not to challenge it, but I seem to have a disagreement with you. I understand the point you are trying to make about the loved ones, and I already have that in my principles. This principle/rule is right, but how you apply the principle/rule and in what situation should also be right. This is where I have a disagreement with you. He and his mother said everything they wanted to about me and my family. It's their opinion, but they seemed to forget that just like they love each other within the family (mother-son) so do others (father-daughter). They have too much respect for their own feelings, but not feelings of others'. For example, his mother will think her son is too special. Thats not hurting anyone. However, if she doesn't respect the same thing about someone else's daughter and doesn't respect that other parents also feel their children are special and goes as far as hurting/disrespecting them and their bond with their children, then that is ill-mannered. This is a type of injustice. I could have done the same thing that his mother did but I only chose to point out what they did. And it's not wrong to point out somebody's injustice. I could have even let this go and done a favor on him by not pointing out her injustice, but it was my decision to not in this particular situation.
My father knows and understand how ill-mannered it is to speaks badly about somebody's child. So nobody would ever have the opportunity to call him ill-mannered. However, if I were in his position, and my mother acted this way with somebody, I would address that person's feelings (either talking with my mother or clearing any misunderstanding) way before he has opportunity to characterize my mother as ill-mannered. This way I have done a favor on my mother, which is part of love.
I also don't agree with you on the job. I did not do it without his consent. In fact, he wanted me to do it. Not once, but several times. There's no reason to ask for something if you are going to be ungrateful about it later, and pretend that it's no big deal. If you don't appreciate it, then don't ask me for it.
It seems from your messages that you want me to realize his (and others') feelings that imagine how they feel when I say something negative to them about their loved ones, but ignore my own. It's this exact rule: "we can say what we want about our loved ones, but it's all kinds of wrong when others do it" which they violated, and I believe I am allowed to point it out to them what they did, at the very least. I did it once, and instead of repeating it I chose to not read his messages from now that could prompt another such response from me.
I am getting married in a few months. And I thought it was a good idea for me to look deep down and resolve any unhealed feelings so I can start a fresh life. It'll also keep me very engaged in so many activities and I do feel that will help me put this behind. And I am happy to say that it has not been hard for me to genuinely appreciate my mother-in-law (not just say it to make my husband happy) because she is a remarkable woman and I have deep, sincere respect for her from within.
The positives I found:
1. Don't assume. Have clear and direct communication with others, so I can avoid these situations.
2. Try to resolve the situation earlier and not let feelings get to this point.
3. If somebody makes me uncomfortable, keep my distance.