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jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience:  Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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I seperated form my husband in July. He currently has our children

Resolved Question:

I seperated form my husband in July. He currently has our children living with him. He does not want to get back together but I do. How can we resolve our issues?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.

jadt65 :

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your situation. In order to assit you, I need a few more details.

jadt65 :

What was the reason for your separation?

jadt65 :

How are the two of you doing in your co-parenting relationship?

jadt65 :

What are your reasons for wanting to reunite and what are his objections?

jadt65 :

I apoligize for responding with all these questions, I just need to have a better pciture of the sitatuion to provide some suggestions.

Customer:

We were living with his parents and I did not get along well with them. There were constant disagreements and tension. I was having trouble at work and lost my job. Alex refused to go back to work to help financially. He has not worked since 2009. He is also an alcoholic. I left because I could not support my family financially and got no support from anybody.

jadt65 :

It sounds like you have been thorugh a great deal. Is he still living with his parents? is he working on sobriety?

jadt65 :

Are you doing better financially?

Customer:

Our coparenting is working out okay. He lets me see the children whenever I want to. I want to reunite because I want to be with my children and husband again. Alex does not want to reunite because I have had health issues in the past and he does not trust me.

Customer:

He still lives with his parents and he is still an alcoholic. I am still struggling financially.

jadt65 :

Well, it is a good sign that the co-parenting relationship is going well. What is the reason for the lack of trust?

Customer:

I have had addiction issues, but I have asked for and received treatment. I am recovered and clean.

jadt65 :

That is great that you are in recovery. It is common for relationships to suffer when one person is in recovery, but hte other one is not, which might be the reason for his resistance to reconcilation. It is also challenging to work on a relationship when one person is still living with parents.

jadt65 :

I think a good starting point for you is to continue to work on your financial stability so you are confident that you can support your children

jadt65 :

Once you have the confidence that you can be independent, it might serve as a motivation for your husband to work toward his own recovery so that he can live independently

jadt65 :

Hoe do you get along with his parents?

jadt65 :

sp how (I apologize about the typos)

Customer:

Things are better I no longer live with them I make an effort to be nice to them, and I try to avoid confrontations. It is an uneasy truce at the monent.

jadt65 :

Well, it says a lot that you are willing to make the effort to be nice to them.

jadt65 :

In a family, when one person changes, other people in the family have to change. You appear to be doing your part. It might take a bit for your husband to do things differently.

jadt65 :

Based on what you are telling me, it is going to take some kind of crisis for him to work on sobriety and recovery. What are his parents attitude toward you husband living with them?

Customer:

It works for them, because his mother has cancer and his father has first stages of dementia. Alex helps them and they help him with the kids. His mother enables his drinking and makes excuses for him.

jadt65 :

That is a difficult situation becuase it seems like Alex abnd his parents have something to gain.

jadt65 :

It seems liek your best option at this point is to focus on your relatiosnhip with your children. How old are they? Waht do they think about the situation?

Customer:

My boy is 6 and my girl is 5. They are confused and they miss me.

jadt65 :

I am sure it confusing for them and I can understand that it must be terribly difficult for you to be separated from them. What do you think it would take to have them come live with you?

jadt65 :

Also, are you still involved in treatment? So you have a counselor or therapist to guide you during this time?

Customer:

I dont know. I have read that the parent that has stayed home with the kids for most of their lives usually get custody of them. I worked and Alex stayed at home with the children. I dont know if the court would grant me custody. Alex would not give up the children to have them live with me.

Customer:

I am attending ongoing counselling with a psychiatrist.

jadt65 :

Since I live in the States, I do not know how the family court system works in Australia. I know that here, there are such things as shared custody arrangements. Plus, if you are clean and sober as well as financially independent, that will owrk in your favor. Your psychaitrist might be able to provide some insight as to how the family court situation work in situations like this.

jadt65 :

My thought is that if your husband sees that you have healed and are maintianing your recovery so that you can care and support your children, it might motivate him to confront his own issues rather than focusing on your past.

Customer:

I hope so.

jadt65 :

To help your children, it might help to exchange drawings and pictures since they are a bit young for letter writing. It helps maitian ans strengthen to bond. It provides a way fro them to communicate what they have been doing and feeling during the week.

Customer:

Thata a good idea

jadt65 :

Teh relatiosnhip that you have with your children is forever and it seems that is where you have some level of influence. Given that your husband is still enmeshed with hsi parents and is still drinking, I am finding it hard to see how you can change his mind other than acting as a role mdel for recovery and self-sufficiency. I appreciate that mioght not be the answer that you want, but I respect you enough to tell you what I honestly think.

jadt65 :

I admire people who are willing to take on the challenge of recovering from addiction and it sounds like you really what to be present for your children

Customer:

I reespect honesty more than anyhting , and I appreciate your candidness.

jadt65 :

Have I answered your question to your satisfaction? I wish I had a differnt solution for you.

jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience: Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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