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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Relationships
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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Ok, heres the situation, Im madly in love with my fiance

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Ok, here's the situation, I'm madly in love with my fiance and we've been together 22 months. We are getting married a year from now, and I'm hoping this is just my problem and I have trust issues. My fiancé tells me everyday how much he loves me and makes up cute little love songs for me, and notices little things. Here's where the trust issues come in, lately he's been mentioning a female co-worker a lot, and I finally met her a week ago, she seemed nice. I know my fiancé has a few platonic female friends, but they are either married, or he was like friends with them forever with no romantic history. He doesn't talk about this co-worker affectionately, but I hate hearing about her and how she works. I'm worried because my fiancé met as co-workers and our relationship developed after being together a lot and spending a lot of time together at lunch and outside of work. This friend he says he never sees outside of work environments but there are times that they are alone together when driving to lunch locations, but meet up with other co-workers. I hate the fact that I can't prove anything and I don't know whether I should worry. This morning just to be sure, I did some snooping on his phone, fb, and email and found nothing suspicious phew, but when I saw his history, about a month back, I found 1 porn site, and several more of the same porn site from over 6 months ago. We have talked about porn, since I've done my share of looking at it, and we both agreed that neither of us have a problem with it since we use it as a visual aid for masterabatory material. Now that we live together I have no need for it, and as far as I know with his sex history, he probubly masterbates a lot more when I'm on my period. But I still found it kind of disconcerting that he was also googling how to delete his browsing history. Should I be worried?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question.

From what you described it doesn't sound like there is any reason to be overly concerned unless you start seeing some troubling signs in his behavior around this coworker of his. I do understand why this would remind you of how your relationship started and how that would be a bit alarming. But, if everything seems fine in your relationship it is important to have that level of trust with each other as long as both of you are on the same page and committed to each other. He chose to be with you because he wants to be with you, and although it's only natural be a little uncomfortable in a situation like this, it sounds like he has proven himself to be pretty trustworthy.

The same idea likely applies to the porn situation. Most likely he is self conscious about using it which is why he was looking into how to delete his browsing history. As long as you've discuss this and have agreed that neither of you have a problem with it, there probably isn't any reason to be overly concerned unless you get the impression that he is devoting an extensive amount of time to it or that it is starting to cause problems in your relationship. This could be a warning sign for some people that there are larger problems at hand, but if your relationship has been good all of this time and there aren't any other signs of problems, it may be ok too.

Otherwise it sounds like you have a guy who is very devoted to you. Caring about him as much as you do is enough to make anyone nervous about there being problems in the relationship that would eventually cause this to fail. However, as long as he is a trustworthy guy and he continues to seem devoted to you, it sounds like he is capable of having female friends and occasionally looking at porn while still maintaining his love for you and a healthy relationship.

I hope I've been able to answer your question and definitely wish you the best with all of this. If there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a follow up question - although I do feel a lot better, I know a lot of this comes from my own insecurities about whether I"m pleasing him enough sexually, or whether I should do more of the things he fantasizes about online, from what I could see, all the women looked average at best, XXXXX XXXXX all seemed to be doing the same type of thing. I know he's asked me to do that before and he liked it a lot.

 

Also do you think it be wise that I voice my concerns about this woman? I don't want him to feel cornered and then really hide things from me... I guess it's a good sign that at least he mentions her and doesn't hide her from me... I primarily don't trust single women that I don't know. That's where my trust issues lie. I don't trust other women to not try to seduce my man, especially when I asked the girl if she was seeing anybody, she said that she just got out of a 8 year relationship and is taking a break from that scene, but that doesn't mean she may not be looking for f---buddies and an attached man means that it can't ever get serious.

 

BTW, thanks for getting back quickly! I honestly do feel better having a reality check!

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.

No problem, I don't mind the follow up at all. If this has been helpful and you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive review when we're done I'd really appreciate it. The use of porn is commonly mistaken as a sign of someone being sexually unsatisfied, but that is not always the case. If you get the impression that he is not satisfied sexually, or even if he is satisfied, it can never hurt to discuss the different ways you can please each other and have that be a continual work in progress as you grow closer and closer in your relationship. However, just because he has seen something in porn doesn't mean that he expects or needs you to replicate it in order to be happy, so while your sex life is always an area that you can work on, there isn't anything from what you described that would make it seem like there is a problem that needs to be addressed.


You do have a right to voice your concerns about this other woman, and I do understand what you mean about not trusting other single women around him. However, that is where your trust in your partner comes in. If you have managed to find a great guy, he is going to have to be able to deal with women attempting to seduce him from time to time, but he made the decision to be with you because he is not interested in that. I agree with you that it is a good sign that he mentions her and doesn't hide her from you, and while I understand your nervousness, that's generally a sign that he has nothing to hide and is a trustworthy guy. If that's the impression you get too, it may be better in the long run if you don't say anything about it so that he continues to feel comfortable being open with you about his friendships like he has been.


I'm glad I can help and I hope things continue to go well for you. Let me know if I can be of any more help,


Ryan

Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yes, you greatly helped me! I had a discussion with my fiancé after work and I asked him if he felt satisfied by me sexually, put out enough, was experimental enough and puzzled by the question, he told me our sex life was great and he hoped I felt the same way about him, and I said, I just sometimes feel like there's more that I could do and I know there's things he likes me to do that aren't particularly my favorites. I finally confessed that I accidentally snooped through his history when he had loaned me his lap top to print out a document and then I also noticed that he tried to delete his history. (My lap tops not connected to the printer) He was super embarrassed lol! He was like, I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you in any way, and it was pretty much what I had thought, that he uses the sites as a visual aid, and we talked more about porn in general, and he was all, "I don't care if you look at it too, I think there'd only be a problem if one of us chose that over actually being physically intimate. He told me that he prefers me to a computer screen. He also told me that he knows the difference between fantasy and reality, and he doesn't expect me change unless I want to, becaus he thinks I'm perfect." So bottom line, I was glad that he was at least honest with me, didn't lie about it and I actually kinda felt bad for him because he was super embarrassed, not as embarrassed as the time his mom caught him, but I didn't blame him, I'd be embarrassed too if he saw some of the sites I've looked at in the past. We even talked about how would spice things up even more, and he wanted to know what my fantasies were. So yea, I think we're good. He hasn't really talked about that girl lately, but I notice when he does, it's usually work related stuff or when they all go to lunch together. He works contract, and lately he's voiced to me that he's kinda over that place, because he want's something permanent, and lately we've been talking more and more about our goals for after we get married, stuff like that. I used to have class on Tues nights but this quarter I don't, so it surprised me that he was going to have dinner at his mom's that's what he usually did when I had school. He didn't know my schedule changed, so just to be sure he was going to go where he said he was, I was going to call him after he got off of work, but he beat me to it, and then I made up a reason to call him as he was supposed to be done with dinner, and he answered, I did have a legitimate question for him, and he couldn't talk long because he was talking with his mom, so I was all, "Oh tell her I said hi!" And he relayed the message back to her, and I could here her voice, so yea, I feel like I can trust him. He usually is where he says he's going to be and I even have proof that he was.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks!

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