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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I am a 50 year old married woman with no children of my own

Customer Question

I am a 50 year old married woman with no children of my own (I was unable to have them). My life could read like a horribly written soap opera...sad but true. However, with that being said, I was able to find a wonderful counselor almost 2 years ago and she and I have done quite a bit of work to overcome some of the things that I have needed to work on and we continue to do so. Something that we are working with now is the relationship that I have with The Mom (formerly my mother) and the Golden Child (my mother's favored sister). The Golden Child is 6 years older than me and was always The Mom's favorite. When I came along I became not only the baby of hte family for Daddy's girl. This scenario has played out throughout my life with The Mom providing surprise birthday sweet sixteen parties for the GC, special parties for the GC, special clubs, etc. and with Daddy doing his best to provide special gifts for me. The Mom and the GC were always quick to let me know whenever anything went wrong or for that matter didn't go wrong that I had ruined everything. I was never skinny enough, etc., etc., etc. When Daddy passed away about 12 years ago the bottom fell out of my world and I literally felt orphaned. My support in my immeidate family was gone and within just a few short years it became apparent that The Mom's narcissism was even more rampant and that unless I only wanted to talk about her there was no need for her to speak to me at all. Christmas found me getting regifted things I had given her years before or things that she had already worn or that were way too small and could not be returned/exchanged. The GC would purchase gifts or so I was told but could never find the time to mail them to my husband and I....for a year or more. I have always tried very hard to put special thought into my gifts to them not only for birthdays and Christmas but for other little holidays but they have never reciprocated. Now I feel like I am just trying to buy affection from people who seem unable to give it to me. I moved out of state almost 15 years ago and the GC has never visited me once not even to attend my wedding and now it has been several years since The Mom has visited. Yet we are expected to make the effort to travel to see them.
Through my work with my counselor I have come to learn that these relationships will never be what I need or wnt them to be. That my real family, the ones that really love me and care about me are my Aunt and Cousins (Daddy's side) and the friends that I have in my life now. I have begun to set boundaries...really huge boundaries in my life. I have made adjustments in how my 40K and life insurance funds will be distributed if something were to happen to me and my husband. I have changed who is the executor of my will in case my husband does not survive me.
I am not calling the GC any longer feeling that I have put forth much effort over the years to try to have this relationship and I am not willing to put it forth any longer. I am slowing the contact down with The Mom and moving towards very little to no contact with her as well. My issue is feeling guilt and shame over what people will think about me. I know this must stem from always being told how I ruin everything and my self worth already being so low but I want to make these steps with confidence...not fear or trepidation. Thanks for any insight you can give.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

All I can say is wow, you have survived such abusive relationships from those that are meant to care and love you - unconditionally. You come across as a very strong and resilient woman and child back then. You have NOTHING to feel guilt over nor shame, although I see where this stems from. As a counselor myself, I believe your counselor and you have worked very hard to explore and get you to set some fab boundaries and I commend you, you are worth SO much more and it truly is their loss that they have led and continue to not realize how shallow and hurtful and brutal this has been for you. The GC was unable to respond and interact any other way than what she has learnt from The Mom, but surely as an adult she must have been aware of this not being okay? You need to put aside any feelings of guilt and shame - it will be hard but you need to keep telling yourself that you have nothing, nothing at all to be ashamed of. You have also put some great things in place legally and I think you are indeed a very intelligent woman for doing so and thinking so far ahead.

The insight I can give you is: move on, be free, let go of the negativity that holds you, that still tries its best to maintain you in this place of low self worth and low self esteem. If you automatically get thoughts that are negative, challenge them by asking yourself what evidence you have for believing you need to feel guilty or ashamed. You will have a straightforward answer that you don't have any evidence to say you should feel such negative thoughts. Continue as you are - moving forward with people that love you, care for you and truly want you in their lives.
Part of this is also about loss. Loss in terms of you letting go of The Mom and the GC and grieving over them. Perhaps talk to your counselor (if you're still seeing her/him), about grieving and letting go of them both and finding ways to say goodbye.

My last thought if I may share with you, is perhaps its time to let go of the phrase/adjective "Golden Child" she clearly isn't a child that is golden, certainly not in my eyes - not when her values and beliefs are about demeaning and devaluing others - in this case her own sister. She was only the golden child in your mother's eyes - and her opinion leaves a lot to be desired, would you not say? I am not trying to be disrespectful, but I believe their treatment of you was very emotionally and psychologically abusive and part of that may well have been alcohol fuelled, but still no excuse.

I really do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kim, thank you so very much! I'm printing and posting by my computer screen and making a copy for me to keep at home.


 


 

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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