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Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question

Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I moved countries to be with my boyfriend and havent felt

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I moved countries to be with my boyfriend and haven't felt happy since I moved. Before I moved, we were in a long distance relationship in separate countries. I was happy in my job, I had great friends and social life and the only thing missing was my boyfriend. He wouldn't move to the country I was in so I made the move to be with him. But since I moved, I have struggled to settle in the country, I couldn't find a job so now I work from home which makes me feel isolated a bit. I have learnt the local language a bit but often can't find the enthusiasm to make more effort. I have been here 3.5 years now and I still don't feel as happy as I did before I moved. When I made the decision to move, I hoped I would be happy, we would get married and have a family but none of that has happened. I am 36 and worry that if I break-up with my boyfriend now, I might miss my chance to have a family as it gets more difficult the older you get. I do love my boyfriend but I am so unhappy in my situation. We talk about it all the time and he knows how I feel, but I often feel confused between staying here and trying harder to make it work, or leaving to move elsewhere, knowing that it might end my relationship. It drives me crazy and sometimes I can't sleep at night thinking it all over!!
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so disconnected from everything and you miss your friends and support network. It's good that you're both talking regularly and trying to find a way to work things out, however it is hard when you have one set of goals and aims and he, perhaps has another set and when you don't or cannot meet each other in the middle it can become so much harder.

You sound very unhappy, this is not good for you. You have only one life to live and if you're honest with yourself, or try and think about what you would want most at this point in time - what might it be? Would it be to get married and start a family where you are not feeling settled? I think perhaps not, but this is a decision only you can make.

I want to help you to think through such options:

If you leave and return or perhaps, start over somewhere else you will need to make new friendships etc..

If you could encourage him to go with you - this may be an easier decision - however he doesn't seem so keen to do this - I wonder if he isn't willing to make these decisions after you've tried to settle in over 3.5 years then when would he compromise and sacrifice for you?

I am wondering whether you could talk to a counselor locally in France and talk through your options? They will know and be far more familiar with the area and offer you ideas of how better to settle in, make friends and maybe even a support network for yourself? You could use the counseling support to work out ways to decide even what it is you would prefer to do. These decisions are never easy but it seems like its time for you to decide what you want/need to do now. Other options might be for you to both write out what your hopes are for the future and how you cold make them happen - and thereafter compare notes - this will help clarify whether this relationship is going in the right direction for you both or maybe not.

On the point of marriage and kids - I want to reassure you as I'm aware of many women clients who have ended long term relationships at this stage in their life and although a very scary concept and future ahead - some women are much happier, and manage perfectly well to find new partners and settle down. I'm not saying this is what you want to do - leave your partner and find new love - I'm simply saying it is possible to have all those things you so desperately want - and it could be with your partner or it may not - this depends on HIS choices, don't you think?

I truly believe you will come to a decision and will not turn back - once you make that decision, you need to have faith in whatever decision you've made and work towards the greater long term goal. It is great that you have already begun applying for jobs as it tells me that you've not ruled this out. I'm a true believer of what is meant to be will be - it may not be your philosophy but I do believe in trying to understand what is most important to you - and it seems your happiness is this - it feels most neglected - the search for that happiness may not necessarily lie in France... Only my best to you, I truly hope you find happiness no matter how hard it might be - it will be worth it in the end.

I can't and wouldn't try to tell you what to do as I believe that this can be unhelpful. I hope though that this is helping in terms of offering you some new perspective and to understand that you CAN choose and make a decision - no matter how hard that decision might be right now, it will be the RIGHT decision for you. Please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi,

Can I be of any further help? If so, please let me know.

Karin
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for your advice, yes I think you say what I feel inside. And I do need to prioritise my happiness more. I also believe that sometimes, things are meant to be and to allow fate to take its course. I guess I just need to trust that things will work out in the end, no matter how scary it all seems now!


 


Thanks so much again :)

Hi L,

You're very welcome and I'm so pleased to have been able to help you.

Please do let me know if I can help you in the future, just put "For Karin" at the start of any new questions and I will pick it up and do my very best to support you.

Only my best to you L, good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Karin :)

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