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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7532
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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My husband of 20 years has a single female ex-coworker friend

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My husband of 20 years has a single female ex-coworker friend who for the past 1 1/2 has been unknowing driving a wedge in our relationship. They are "plutonic friends" and she admitted that if my husband wasn't married, she would date him. I have never met her, but my husband pointed her out one time when we were out. About a 1 1/2 year ago I innocently looked at my husband's text messages, wondering how he was texting on such an old phone. Well, to my surprise he had some suggestive texts between he and his ex-coworker. I questioned him about it and he said it was just there friendly bantering...nothing sexual, but it just made me extremely uncomfortable and I let him know that. I call it flirting. He told the woman I read the texts. She was defensive but sorry and offered to talk to me to tell me they were just friends, but I was too upset. She later sent him a text asking was he ok, she hadn't heard from him which was odd because she had talked to him 3 days prior. This was sent to the family email account, so I read it and was pissed and had an emotional breakdown. He had also been helping her with homework for her masters program which pissed me off even more because he didn't even help with his children's homework. Then she needed a job and came to him for support with that and so on. So over the course of 1 1/2 my husband and I have these "discussions" about her and they lead to an argument. So we agreed that if she contacted him he would tell me, well she did and he hasn't. So this is a huge breach of trust. In his defense I'm sure he is trying to keep the peace, but I am still angry and hurt and trying not to stir the pot. I just want him to not be friends with her, but he is an adult. How do I handle meeting her in person if that happens?

He is an adult; however, he's also a husband. If you feel uncomfortable with his friendship with this woman, that should be all he needs to tell her the relationship they have is over, best wishes, goodbye.

If you were getting cozy with a gentleman who made it clear he had designs on you that he'd act on if you weren't married, your husband would no doubt be very concerned and unhappy every time you texted, talked or 'helped out'

If your husband asked you to stop the relationship, I'm sure you would.

Remind your husband that he married you for better and for worse; through ups and downs, good and bad. He owes you respect and consideration not just as he sees fit, but as you request. It's that simple. It is not up to him to decide how you feel. It's up to him to respect how you feel, no questions asked, no discussions.

It's up to him to give love unconditionally; not only when it's convenient to him

So feel free to tell him 'no more friendship' with this woman and he has got to trust your womanly instincts and take it on faith that you know what you're talking about.


If/when you meet this woman? Be polite, extend a proper greeting and then stick to your husband like a siamese twin.


Your husband might be having a mid life crises or feel an ego boost with this lady's attentions, but playing with fire could burn the marriage down and he needs to find another way to get that ego stroking.

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