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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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My friend has a issue and I would like to help him, so if someone

Customer Question

My friend has a issue and I would like to help him, so if someone can look at this question that would be nice.

So, he and this girl have been talking for about 2 months now. they were bf/gf for like 3 days and broke up and then they started talking. I think she felt that they rushed into it.

so lately, she has been hinting other couples to him as if she wanted to be a couple again. He asked her last tuesday if she would be his girlfriend and she said wow, umm thats super sweet and idk what to say. he asked her to think about it and she said yeah of course.

then last friday, she started to wear the necklace that he bought her over christmas. she used to wear it when they were talking but after they broke up near the end of january, she only had it on on her birthday and that was it. she used to wear it everyday.

so, later that night he asked her if wearing the necklace ment that the answer is yes to the question he asked her.

She told him, I mean I want to say yes, but still yet you dont talk to me. and he asked what do you mean, and she said when i get in the car you dont say anything, then i try to make convos and all you say is ok, and oh or just giggle, idk if your still shy but i need someone thats go talk to me and i can have a conversation with.

he said that he could change that and she said well then talk, thats the only thing i dont like.

so then he asked her again later that night if they could try it out and she said idk, you got prove your willing to change.

So, she is wanting him to open up and comunicate with her more. Its not like he doesnt say anything to her, its only a few times where he does that most of the time they are have a conversation. So how can he do that? How can he open up to her the next time he sees her which is tomorrow, what can he do to prove to her that he can change it?

She wants him to prove that he can change it so what can he do? But there is one thing he wants to know as well, how many times a day do you talk to your girlfriend? he thinks that might be a issue that they talk for a long time on the phone at night but dont really text during the day, they used to text all the time and just about every day .
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for your friend. You are clearly a really good friend and he's lucky to have you there trying to help. Good for you.

It sounds as though your friend is shy in a masculine kind of way. What I mean is that it sounds as though she likes to talk as a way to feel close and he tends to talk as a way to communicate about issues that might need to be discussed and resolved. Or to just make sure everyone is okay. So he has good patience it seems for her but her need to talk may seem excessive to him. Again, this is because she needs to talk to feel close, not to actually discuss things that might need resolving or to inform about something he needs to know.

This is very important for him to keep in mind. If he remembers that she needs this contact with him to feel close, it may help him to have patience with her and to support her. Thus, tomorrow when they talk, for example, he might practice this by asking questions. If he's not right there with her, he can even write down questions that he thinks of while she's talking because he may forget by the time she stops.

Every time he asks her a question he is showing interest in her and that's important. Here's an important clue also: the best questions to ask a woman are not always factual questions (who, what, when, where types of questions). The best questions are often feelings questions. For example, How did you feel about it when she said that to you? How would you want her to answer you about that? These are the type of questions that make women feel like they're being listened to and that makes them feel cared for and like they're connecting with their man.

His insight that he may be exhausting his patience by talking so long at night is a good one. Spending more time in little chunks during the day may be more worthwhile. He'll have to experiment and see how she feels about that. But certainly following those points above will help.

Here's a book that will help him as well and you might suggest it. I'll link the Amazon page so you can send it to him, The 5 Love Languages. It's a really good way to look at the situation and you'll see that over a thousand people have liked it on Amazon. So it's quite a good resource for him:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363546691&sr=1-1&keywords=languages+of+love

Okay, I wish you and him the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yeah it does seem like that because she does want to be his girlfriend she has already told him yes but she wants him to prove to her that he changes talking to her.

 

It seems to me she likes consistant contact with him. Not be like wondering what hes doing, just to talk to him.

 

So, its like shes waiting for him to talk to her more then they will be in a relationship.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Your impression would be consistent with how she's behaving: she wants continual, consistent content to feel secure.


If that's okay with him, then he should apply the principles I discussed. He needs to know that this is what she's like and it will not change, most likely, as they are together for longer. She is the type of woman who needs to feel connected with her partner to feel good.


This is not necessarily a negative. It often is part of her being loving and caring and the person he likes. So if he's prepared for it, it can work out fine.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

one more question that he wanted me to ask you. She told him you got prove your willing to change. Do you think that will prove to her that he changed with more contact?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
He has to be patient. Again, men tend to think "prove" means I do something and that one thing shows that I've changed. Women tend to think "prove" means a pattern of behavior over time.


So the main thing he should do is to not feel like once he has done what she wants that means he's proven it to her. No, that's not how it works for most women, and she seems like one of them.


Rather, when he does what she likes and she reacts well, that means he needs to do it often and over again. It's when he repeats the behavior over time that she'll feel like he's changed. The key here, again, is to keep doing it over and over so that she sees a pattern. Then she'll relax.


Again, all the best to you!
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi again. Hope your doing good, he wanted me to ask you when would a good time be to ask her again? He told me that last week they were communicating better but they havent been on the phone because now her phone is dead. he doesnt know where to start if he should just ask her again. he wants to ask her again but in a way to reassure her that the same issues wont happen again but he doesnt know what to say and tell her at this point.


 


The reason why he wanted to know if he should ask again is because when they were bf/gf for like 3 days, he asked her 3 times and the first time was idk when she told him that she wanted to date him, the second time she didnt want to ruin their friendship and the 3rd time she said yes to.


 


 


But then he asked 2 more times after that, over christmas, she said she didnt want to rush things and the second time she wasnt ready for one. then a few days later she told him that they could after basketball. Thats why he wants to know if he should ask her again maybe later this week.

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