How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7328
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rev.Dr. August Abbott is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am 63 year old man with insecure anxious preoccupied attatchment.

Customer Question

I am 63 year old man with insecure anxious preoccupied attatchment. I have been in hot and cold relationship for 4 years with a woman who is avoidant, and has a long history of failed relationships. We started dating while I was going thru divorce from wife of 40 years. I have severe doubts ( and so does my therapist ) that this relationship has a reasonable chance of survival. I am working on my issues, while she is comfortable with hers, though she recognizes she has bagage going back to early childhood when she was severely abused by her mother and not protected by her father. We do not fight. I am more doubtful as time goes on that she can become the affectionate, fully engaged woman I fell in love with. How do I know when it is time to leave ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.
-- When is it time to leave? Yesterday.

The moment you are convinced that this isn't going to go the distance and yet you let it continue, you become the 'user'. Whether you're using it for convenience or for lack of anything better to do right now, the fact that you know in your heart it's not what you want or need would indicate that the healthiest next step is to end it.

That's what is fair to you; to the woman and to any potential future mates for both of you who stand no chance or opportunity while you are both involved with each other.

It's a sad and tragic thing that this woman has baggage she won't put down and walk away from with help from counseling and therapy, but her life isn't yours to live anymore than yours is hers.

When it's clear inside of yourself that helping her carry this baggage for the rest of her days isn't what you want to sign up for in a relationship (and I don't blame you by the way) then the right thing is let her go. Or at least let yourself go.

The longer it continues, the harder the ending will be and the more resentment she'll feel about you wasting her time and getting her hopes up.

----------------

And the botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you aren't truly moving forward with your life at all while holding onto an anchor like this. Best to let it go and pick up a balloon. Find a lady who is at this stage of life with the same insights and adjustments you've found for yourself.

Not a human on planet earth has had a perfect life - what we do with the imperfections, even when they are horrible, terrible, criminal things ... makes us either stronger or pigeonholes us as victims forever. It's our choice. And very often we need support and professional guidance to teach us how to get past it.

You've done all the right things. Now it's time to do this one more right thing.


To eliminate all doubt though, tell her that you want her to get counseling, therapy and find her heart and her voice again. Be honest with her that if she doesn't, you can't stay and invest more days into a relationship that is not all you want and deserve.

Her answer, her next move, will make your future clear.


Good luck and good life,

Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7328
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Abbott, "Yesterday" that was good, and to the point ! You gave good support for the advice. Your advice was not unlike the advice I got from my therapist and so it did not surprise me. The fact that I was married for 40 years demonstrates the degree to which I am willing to work on a relationship before giving up but I am running out of gas ! I want more than anything to enjoy a healthy relationship just once in my life and I am running out of time. Thanks.

Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency