I am so sorry for the way you are feeling.
Sometimes we feel we want our partners when they now want to leave us regardless if it was our wrong doing or not. People as humans in general tend to want more what they can not have. It sometimes it is due to the fact we took the person for granted. However, other times it is due just based on the fact that we now want it due to it not being within reach any longer as well as comfort. I would try and remind yourself of how you felt before this happened and what caused you to the affair. What of the affair never happened. Do you think you would still be miserable or happily married?
It seems as the relationship was not working out. He even refused counseling and now yoiu are blaming yourself for ruining everything
The fact is that it is not your fault. This does not make the affair right, but you should not be blaming yourself for the break up. This was just pretty much the "straw that broke the camels back"
How would you feel if he were to stay?
Think about it. Would that really ,make you happy or would you be left in the same,e situation as you were when you couldn't wait for Monday to go back to work?
We can not change others and you have tried to make it work and he was unwilling so now he is divorcing due to the affair and disregarding everything else that happened in the relationship.
It is a scary situation because he is what you have known and you find comfort in that, but you can definitely get passed him and be happier than you ever were.
He did come back for about a month...but basically all i did was take a 'beating' every day - describing me as a monster and then breaking down crying and telling me I destroyed him. He feels he did nothing wrong all this time...today he told me he regretted marrying me and that I am a monster...
It will take time, but I suggest keeping busy focusing on your children and what is important to you.
I am so sorry he said that.
Are you believing what he said?
Did he give reasons?
No I don't believe I am a monster. But I do believe that just because someone isn't the husband I wanted that I should have been so bitchy. He is such a sweet guy and loved me so much. He says, "okay I wasn't perfect either, but you just took a match and set everything on fire..." I am buying into this guilt. I keep trying to keep my head above water but every moment I feel like I am just going to break down and cry.....for being so mean...
It is good that you are not believing that you are a monster, but that you are aware of your mistakes as well. The fact is no one is perfect and we all need to learn from our mistakes, but it does take two to make a marriage work.
You both were at fault and you asked him to go to counselling and he refused. You could not force him to do that.
He is blaming you for everything. Maybe you both took matches because he argued back as well. The first step in healing is to stop the blame and work together on making things right
Blaming will not help
I told him that many times... I told him he had to stop dismissing me whenever I spoke, that I was feeling invalidated. I told him that I needed him to spend more time with me, make me feel wanted....he didn't listen to any of it. Is there a way to get him back now? What do you think?
Do you feel that if you were not "bitchy" then things would have been different?
Think about what caused you to become like this? And why were you wanting so bad for Monday to come if it was just due to your attitude?
It seems that he pushed you to become " bitchy" by his actions. This does not make it right and yes you could have handled it differently, but this does not change the fact that the problem would have still been there.
Even if you handled it nicer this does not mean he would have changed. He still would need to admit his faults and want to change
This may or may not have happened and based on the fact you have expressed your feelings and he disregarded them the chances of him admitting may have been slim
The best way to get him back if you truly want to
And I would be true to yourself about that answer
Would be to tell him you will change your attitude and I would start counseling, so he sees you are serious
Then give him some time to see that change
Ask if things can be taken slowly and if you can still try
Explain to him in a non judgmental way the things you were not happy about, but tell him rather than blame you want to work as a team
Tell him you want to react different when there is a problem rather than make things worse
Ask him if he is willing to start from scratch
Tell him you are willing to work as a team. You want to know your faults as well as state his, so you both can come up with a plan together in order to do team work
That way you are working together rather than against
A letter would be good for because that will help you to perfect what you want to say as well as give him time to dwell on it rather than make a hasty decision.
From there all you can do is give him space and time to cool down
I am still here. If I can be of further help let me know. If I do not hear back from you I do wish you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX am still here if you need
I have done all that. That was him on the phone. He is so depressed he wants to disappear
's him again... so sorry
I am so sorry. You have done all that you could, but please do not blame yourself
It sounds like he needs a shoulder to lean on
Be that shoulder for him
Tell him all the good in him a and how much you appreciate him
Sometimes giving the person time makes a huge difference
Then you are doing all of the right things
There really is no quick fix, but you are on the right track
we're on the phone...
thank you so much...
It is my pleasure. Anytime please do come back even after rating me you can always follow up with me here