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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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A girl ive been seeing for 3 months decided best we just be

Customer Question

A girl i've been seeing for 3 months decided best we just be friends. We still do things together and she always answered my phone calls and texts till two weeks ago. I took her to a hockey game which we both enjoyed. As we were leaving the game we were holding hands and everything seemed perfect. On the way home I asked her if she minded that we stop at a friends house which I agreed to take care of their dog while they're away. We arrived and she seemed happy playing with the dog etc. Shortly after I asked her if she is ready to go. She asked me if I am going to put the dog back in his cage. I told her that I'm leaving the dog out because I am coming back to stay with the dog for the night. As we were leaving the house I noticed she was walking far ahead of me back to the car. As I was dropping her off at her car which was parked at my house she seemed short with me. I told her I had a great time and love spending time with her. As I gave her a hug she turned her head and said " no you cant kiss me". I was shocked because I didn't try to kiss her. She then proceeded to tell me we are only friends and nothing more. She also said she feels like she lead me on again and that is the reason she hesitated in going to the hockey game with me. She seemed so cold towards me after a great night together holding hands after the game and having fun conversations. She then left for the night to go home. She then sent me a short text saying " HOME'. That was the only text I got from her. It's been 2 weeks now and she refuses to take my calls or answer my text messages! Totally ignoring me! I like this girl a lot. Can you tell me why she acted this way at the end of the night and how can I get her to talk to me again. I had awesome vibes from her throughout the whole night until the end when she got cold on me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me a little more about these three months you were seeing each other? Was it just as friends, what did you share? Also, what's her age and for how long have you known each other?

Customer:

We started out perfectly fine. We were seeing each other every weekend, she baked me a cake the second time I saw her and she was texting me every day. I tend to take things slow by not trying to kiss her etc. But I was calling her asking her to do things. She really hasn't dated all that much being her longest relationship is two months and both of the guys she recently dated weren't over their ex girlfriends she told me. She is 23 years old. Also, I noticed she was very willing and excited when we first started to date.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Our past does always shape present behaviors, the approach we take with new relationships, as long as we do not resolve the issues created by them. The fact she has never been in a long term relationship and experienced these frustrating experiences with previous boyfriends could explain her reaction. From your words I could say she is afraid of further frustration if getting closer, and that she could have expected further sharing that night after the game, and impulsively reacted when knew you were going back to take care of the dog instead.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No way to know for sure, unless she happens to be more open and honest towards you, about what she feels, thinks and what triggered her reaction and decision to end communication. I do not see you did anything wrong, it's obvious about her personal issues and not about you what has led things to the present point.

Customer:

Do you think it's best to not contact her at all? I feel as though I'll never hear from her again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best approach could be to continue to try to get in touch without pushing her, for her to know you are still interested and caring about her, in that way she would have concrete proof you have been truly interested and are willing to be patient, understanding and supportive, because you feel it's worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not recommend ending contact nor to push her with continuous messages, but at least to send her a message once a week , and depending on her reaction-response, you would adjust your initiative, always respecting her boundaries.

Customer:

I'm still confused as why she's says we are only friends and nothing more yet the night we were together we were holding hands. Do you think she does not feel for me the way I do her?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No person could feel the exactly the same as other, and you have only been sharing a little more for three months, so you just started to know about each other, and it was enough for her to react this way, which doesn't show you did something wrong, but how tough it is for her to engage and work on developing more intimacy in relationships. She could be feeling afraid of it. Why? You know about her previous experiences, what would make sense, further than that, only time would show if she happens to share with you about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe she did feel good that night, and because of that, she reacted the way she did, defensive, using avoidance as a way not to cope with what it triggered in her.

Customer:

Thanks so much, been very helpful putting my mind at ease!

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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