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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now.

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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. To summarize things, he is almost 26. I just turned 21. I'm still in college, he has his masters in structural engineering and has a good job. he lives with his parents and is in the process of looking to buy a house. his top priorities are his future and he only sees HIMSELF and not me. he told me he loves me really fast about a month into dating and on our 1 year anniversary wrote to me in the card that he is relieved that the search is over and that he has found the one. well sometimes i get in these funks where i question if he cares about me and the relationship and he expressed to me last night that that pushes him away but he wants to be with me and loves me. i asked if hes in love with me and he seems hesitant. then i asked if he can see a future with me and he says he doesnt know. and that he only thinks about himself and can see himself dating me but basically without saying it isnt sure that im the one for him. i want to be with a guy who KNOWS and isnt afraid of commitment. its tearing me apart and im miserable. i am seeing him friday and ive already expressed that maybe we arent right for eachother and he told me he doesnt want it to end while he was looking at photos of us. (so he says) im not sure what to do. i want to be in a relationship for the long haul.. even though i dont plan on getting married until after i graduate and get a job i still want the guy to be able to potentially see me and i dont think he does. so i ask him whats the point of dating me and he says he doesnt see or think about himself with other girls and only wants me and enjoys time with me. i feel like we view life on different levels.. not sure what to do. i want someone to give me their all. i feel empty and i dont want to feel like this.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for your question.

It sounds like you are correct that you may each be viewing life on different levels right now. He may care about you very much, however he may also not be at a point in his life where he is thinking past the present moment in terms of a relationship. Right now you have identified that he is mostly concerned with himself and his own future. It is possible that once he feels content with all of that, that he will be more open to sharing his life and priorities with someone else. However, there's also no telling if/when that is going to happen, and if he is only concerned about himself now, it is possible that is in his nature and will continue to frustrate you.

If you need more commitment or assurance that he is in it for the long haul, there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't assume that he doesn't care about you if he can't promise that to you now, but it is important that you are both on the same page in terms of the direction of this relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting a more solid commitment. He may be a great guy in many ways, but if he can't give you what you're looking for, it may be both of your best interests to consider other options. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
why do you think he's so afraid of commitment? i feel almost as if he's only with me because i'm good company and he likes the physical aspect that goes along with it... i dont want to be some girl he cares about. i want to be the girl he's crazy about. he said that in time his feelings could grow but he cant promise anything. how can i be in a relationship where im constantly in fear or worrying? it's been a year. he doesnt need to propose or promise marriage but he should still have some idea if im the girl for him.
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 3 years ago.
It's hard to be in a relationship without worrying, especially if you know that he is not on the same page that you are. The unfortunate answer is that if you are looking for more than he is willing to give you, then it may not be possible to stop worrying, because you are looking for something stable and he is not willing to look that far ahead.

Sometimes it's not a fear of commitment, it's just a disinterest in making a long term commitment. He may not be at the point in his life where he wants to think about marriage or long term commitment. He could just be more focused on himself, and he is ok with that. That may not have anything to do with you or how he feels about you, and this might be as 'crazy' he would get about any girl at this point in his life, because a long term relationship is not his priority. Perhaps his feelings will grow over time, but he is obviously not making any promises, and in that case you have to do what is best for you. Good luck with everything and hang in there,

Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Professional therapist
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