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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now.

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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. To summarize things, he is almost 26. I just turned 21. I'm still in college, he has his masters in structural engineering and has a good job. he lives with his parents and is in the process of looking to buy a house. his top priorities are his future and he only sees HIMSELF and not me. he told me he loves me really fast about a month into dating and on our 1 year anniversary wrote to me in the card that he is relieved that the search is over and that he has found the one. well sometimes i get in these funks where i question if he cares about me and the relationship and he expressed to me last night that that pushes him away but he wants to be with me and loves me. i asked if hes in love with me and he seems hesitant. then i asked if he can see a future with me and he says he doesnt know. and that he only thinks about himself and can see himself dating me but basically without saying it isnt sure that im the one for him. i want to be with a guy who KNOWS and isnt afraid of commitment. its tearing me apart and im miserable. i am seeing him friday and ive already expressed that maybe we arent right for eachother and he told me he doesnt want it to end while he was looking at photos of us. (so he says) im not sure what to do. i want to be in a relationship for the long haul.. even though i dont plan on getting married until after i graduate and get a job i still want the guy to be able to potentially see me and i dont think he does. so i ask him whats the point of dating me and he says he doesnt see or think about himself with other girls and only wants me and enjoys time with me. i feel like we view life on different levels.. not sure what to do. i want someone to give me their all. i feel empty and i dont want to feel like this.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
yes that is true
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
yes that is very true.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
can we do a live chat so its easier
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
The system did change from chat to posting by itself. I do always prefer and keep chat with customers, but when it doesn't work, there is no option but postings. This time the chat closed itself and redirected your question to postings. The only way to get chat again, would be by posting a new question. You could totally disregard this one, I will request it to be blocked, for you to post it again, ok?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ok i will post it now
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Perfect, thanks!
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.



Since you did not post your request again, I decided to reply from here. I hope it helps.

I was saying that when this is the case, most people in your shoes would feel
neglected, sad and very frustrated, since for healthy and fulfilling
relationships to develop, everything involved needs to be "mutual",
from respect, to affection, caring, understanding and support. Adult
relationships are not about one person denying her individuality while the
other person fuels his personal ambitions totally disregarding his partner's
happiness and well-being. If it is not reciprocal, the person would feel used,
neglected and even abused in more or less subtle ways, once healthy
relationships require a basic level of commitment.

Many people believe that commitment equals manipulation, control and pushing the
other person, but it does not. Healthy commitment means each of you
spontaneously feel the need and wish to make of the other person's happiness
and well-being, number one priorities in your lives. If this is not the case,
then even when there is passion, attachment, and enjoyment from what is
shared,, the very core of the relationship is missing and it could not
magically evolved into a truly meaningful and mutually fulfilling life partnership - experience.

Nobody knows how a relationship would evolve with time, after months and years, but we all literally build and promote such development -reality by everything we do
about it, from feelings, to words, actions and effort. Again, it cannot be
pushed, since that way it never works, it needs to be spontaneous, and for that
both need to share same core value and belief system, and mutual expectations
in life as a couple, being empathetic and supportive about those personal needs
each of you have that need to be validates, and supported too, but never
neglecting the other person's individuality, her needs and longings.


I use to say that healthy relationships are about departing from an absolute selfish
life, to an experience where that other very special person shares with you and
is always taking into account as a top priority, that is never left behind nor
disregarded at all, but always supported and promoted through all the possible
means available. It's about mutual caring, respect, understanding, compassion
and support. It seems that's what you need and long for, and that's what has
been missing a lot in your relationship.


I hope it makes sense. Please reflect on it, on what you truly need and expect from a mature life partnership, and then dialogue with him about it, from there you would know how healthy it is for you to continue or not, based on the similarities and differences you find between you, and what each of you truly want and were willing to work on and improve.



Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thank you. that helped a lot. i did repost my question again but someone else took it.. i know its not good for a person to decide another's life for them, but based upon what i told you, do you think it is worth it?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
he enjoys the bachelor life and doesnt really want to share much of his life with me.. hes even expressed his fiannces and how he cant spend as much on me since hes saving for a house. i just feel so neglected and unvalued.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry I was not able to reply, I was waiting here for it to appear posted, but it seems obvious the system did not allow me to see it and another expert was able to see and reply.

My response to your question is this: Each person is unique, some people feel they can and want to remain into relationships even when not feeling truly fulfilled and supported at several levels. Attachment, passion, far of loneliness.., there are many reasons people could have to start, stay or leave unfulfilling relationships, that's only you can know how you feel about it, how healthy and positive it impacts your mind, heart and body, your life as a whole in the present, and how you would feel a month or a year from now if things continue the same.


I do believe that if a person truly wants a fulfilling, healthy, mature and worthy relationship, it is essential to work on finding a partner who shares core values and beliefs, having real compatibility between personalities and life styles, and being not only willing but absolutely happy and needing to be there for each other, to support each other, from sharing domestic things, to coping with difficulties and challenges, to learn and grow together, always as a couple, with equal reciprocity, otherwise, it would not work as a healthy partnership. Unhappily most relationships are not based on what truly matters, but on property, families, finances, physical passion only, attachment, fears of loneliness, and many other reasons that should never justify starting nor staying in relationships - marriages.


Think about that, be absolutely truthful with yourself and honest towards him, and based on what you find, make your choices taking full responsibility for them, and feel fine with yourself for taking good care of yourself, since this is your first need, right and responsibility. Those willing and able to share with you at that level, good for them, welcome them and share something worthy, meaningful and fulfilling, but always with healthy boundaries and limits, as much as you happen to find yourself experiencing something healthy, something real at core levels.

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