Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, and I'm here to help if no one else is already helping you.
via email thank you.
I've had no response yet except for you to ask me if I want online help or emails.
How long am I expected to wait for a reply to my question?
Sorry if I have appeared rude, but I was not aware that online experts are home based. I understand the juggling act. I appreciate any advice you can offer me.
When I weigh it up in my mind, I know I'm not satisfied and in fact am not getting all that I want from this relationship but I continually come back to the belief that it's my fault and if I just do what makes him happy then it will all work out. Even though at 53 and many relationships down the track I know that is not the way to happiness. I will put pen to paper tomorrow and do a cost/benefits analysis from an objective rather than emotional point of view and ponder on your advice and observations. I'll get back to you after that.
Thank you for your inciteful reply.
Firstly, let me say that the behaviour where he abandoned me in the car park is not at all typical. He prides himself on being a good man, and he is. He would be totally humiliated if his mates or family knew he has done such a thing. But he has too much pride to apologise to me for it.
Well, I have been hard at work actually getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper to analyse.
From my perspective I put into the relationship more than I get out of it. I believe he sees it as the same for him - puts more in than he gets out.
I also made a list of what I want from the relationship that I am not getting (long list) and did same from his perspective (another long list).
So on paper it appears that it's not a satisfying relationship for either of us. However, there is a real biggy on the plus side for me that I want to believe outweighs all the other stuff. I am physically scarred very badly from burn injuries when I was very young that have stopped me from being totally physically open with any past relationships, including marriage (father or my children). This man genuinely loves me physically despite this and is the first person that I have allowed to touch me in those places. I feel that he has freed me from a life time of feeling and looking damaged and has enabled me to accept my own body and accept that he is not disgusted by my physical scars (in fact in a funny sort of way makes me feel that he loves those scars as they are part of me and what makes me who I am).
So I have that absolutely wonderful gift he has given me, but I am not certain that it is enough to accept all the wrongs in the relationship. Maybe I am expecting too much in any relationship because of this need to be accepted physically. But that's a whole other issue!
But from his perspective I don't know if there is any wonderful thing that he sees in me that makes all the negatives worthwhile. There's nothing obvious that stands out to me and he has never expressed anything to me.
I guess I want him to feel that I am giving him something he has always longed for, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think it exists.
Just in response to some other points you made. Regarding my personality, he always says he is attracted to my personality, but that seems to be as long as it is not in public. The car analogy is a very good one and actually says a lot about him. He doesn't look after his car, he doesn't look after his house, he doesn't look after his pets (all the things that are of value to him). He lets it all just take care of itself, which of course it doesn't. He lives in chaos. He is not an acquisitive person, has not accumulated anything of value over his 47 years (he likes to drive a bomb, and the house is his parents). He works hard, pays his bills, and never asks or takes help from others, but has no ambitions or aspirations to achieve more or attain more. He just accepts things the way they are. So that's probably his perspective on relationships as well.
When I try to rate you this time I am asked to pay further money, so I think I will have to end this off now. Excellent advice thankyou. I will reflect more on it all and give myself a deadline to make a decision and act on it..
I am disappointed that the Just Answers process is so lacking in ease of use. You have truly been very helpful to me, but I will seek the assistance of a 'real life' counsellor next time.
All the best to you.