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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1137
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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For the past year, my boss has arrived at work beaten down,

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For the past year, my boss has arrived at work beaten down, tired, sick, and even injured. Of course, I, like my teammates, have been concerned. The cause of this concern is that his wife of two years--a real estate agent--desperately wants a fixer-upper home in a prestigious area of town. Over the course of this past year, he's made a point to tell me how she wasn't helping with the house at all--how he had to shoulder it all himself. Some time after that he starts sending me flirtatious mail. I am attracted to him--we did make out in my car a few years before he was married (he was completely single then). So there's this attraction between us---and now he's leaning on me for comfort. Last week he propositioned me--wanted us to have an affair (I said no). Now that he's my manager and married, I was disturbed by this; I was also concerned for his mental well being. Such risk taking could cost him his job, the house he's working on, and his marriage. At any rate, I told him that I could only admire him from afar. This week I posted a comment about feminism and equality between the sexes--who should show up on my thread but his wife! She begins pontificating about equal rights and I see my opportunity. I say "If you're such a proponent of equal rights, you surely aren't shy of doing a man's work. You must be a pro with a hammer by now; Rosie the Riveter would be proud." Her response was feeble and I hoped that she would learn something from my post--maybe help organize efforts with the house. Today my boss returns from lunch--his wife is driving. He sees me and makes a big point to give her a huge kiss. After all of the terrible things she's shared about their relationship, it was jarring and painful to see that maybe all of that was a lie. But then, his showing up beaten down all year couldn't have been faked. At any rate, I'm hurt and confused -- did he lie just to get sex on the side (which I never gave him) or did he just change his behavior out of fear? How should I handle this odd situation?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

It doesn't sound to me that he lied to you. It sounds as if he was going through problems, but could have gotten his ego knocked down when you did not take him up on his proposal. Therefore I think by giving her a huge kiss in front of you was his way of getting you back.

You made it clear you want nothing and are happily married. From here I would continue work as normal. It is up to you if you allow him to go to you for comfort or not, but I think that he may not do that any longer or it will be a lot less if he still does now since he knows you do not want anything romantically at this point.

Continue on with your life as normal. He was not happy with his wife and wanted to be with you. Whether it was true or not he still wanted to have an affair with you. He never said he was going to leave her, so it shouldn't even matter if they were having problems or not. He could have said that to make it easier for you to have an affair with him, but like I said I highly doubt that. You have seen his behaviors. He was going through issues and wanted to be with you. Now that he kissed her not only could have been cause he was trying to rub it in your face, but maybe he is trying to now work on his marriage or maybe he even hides his sadness from his wife. I really don't think he lied to you, but either way I think you did the right thing by staying away. Best to be faithful to your husband. That way you have piece of mind and can go on with your life from here.

I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1137
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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